Plan of Action

Once upon a time, Summer used to be my all time favorite season.  I love the fourth of July, I have a summer birthday, and a summer anniversary.  Swimming, hiking, campfires in the mountains...so many of my favorite activities are summer activities.

But the thing is, that summers started to get really hard.  Once Aubrey started preschool and Kindergarten, having her at school became a much needed respite time for me.  She thrives so well in the structured setting of school.  And once she started school all day....well,  I started to feel like a person again.  And over the last couple of years summer has become a bit of a nightmare.

Because.  Because of so many things.  Because it is incredibly hard to take Aubs anywhere.  It literally takes a team just to go out and about with her.  Because she doesn't have friends to play with.  Because she doesn't know how to play with Charlie, or even entertain herself.  Because her short attention span means that she ends up following me around all day crying and being naughty.  Because she can be a destructive little (big) girl.  Because sometimes I feel like I literally might die if I have to change another diaper.  Because, because, because.  Because of too many things that no one could ever really understand unless they had their own Aubrey.

And here is the truth.  It's so very hard.

 I love Aubrey.  I love her with all of my heart.  I am, because she is.  You know?  But it takes a village to raise Aubs.  And during the summer, that village shrinks by a whole lot.

So this year when the snow melted, and the days started getting longer and warmer...panic started to set in.  This quiet dread began to bubble in my belly.  I tried to push away the thoughts, the memories of isolation and exhaustion.  But it's always in the back of my mind like a bad word that really wants to be said.  Summer.

Yesterday as I was driving home from my mom's house, with sleeping kids in the back seat, I had an hour of quiet to really think about all of this.  I decided that I am not powerless.  I am capable of making it better than it has been before.  So as I drove, I made a mental plan.  A list of goals that I hope will make the summer months better.

- I need to make sure I am taking care of myself.  Sometimes I feel like a shell of the person I once was.  Like I don't exist.  But I need to be at my best, so I can give the very best parts of myself to my children and my husband.  So I am going to start seeing a therapist.  I've been thinking that it would help for a long time now...but I think I'm finally ready.

-I am going to start going to bed early.  Because even though my kids have started waking up at 6:30 in the morning...I still have a nasty habit of crawling into bed at midnight.  Makes for a rough day...

-I'm going to ask for help.  It's a hard thing for me to do.  But I really need to get over that.  Maybe it means we'll drive to my moms house once a week.  Maybe I'll hire one of my teenage nieces to spend a couple hours a week with Aubrey.  We don't have to do this alone.

-I am going to increase my exercise from 3 times a week to daily.  It's vital for my metal and physical health.

-I refuse to be isolated.  That's all there is to it.  We are going to go out.  Even if Aubrey is going to cause a scene.  Even if I have to change her diapers in the back of my car because there is no where else to do it.  Even if it's hard.  Sometimes hard out of the house is better than hard in the house.  Sometimes :-)

Hopefully doing these things will help me to still feel human, and help us all have a better summer.  I'll be sure to let you all (all three of you?) know how it goes.  For now, spring break hasn't been so bad...and in a few days Matt and I are off to Mexico!

Adios

This Is Happening Right Now...

It's driving me nuts right now...but hopefully this will make it so our whole yard will be green this summer, instead of just the outer edges. :-) 

I am so thankful that Matt is so handy, and that his Dad is so helpful. I'm thankful for the things my kids will learn by watching big projects like this.

But I do solemnly swear that our next house will not be a fixer-upper!!!!!!!!

A Confession and an Invitation

So, remember how it took me a year and a half, fertility drugs, and a miscarriage to get pregnant with Charlie?  Yeah, me too.  

Anyway.  During that time I found it incredibly difficult to read other peoples blogs.  It was just so painful to watch other people get pregnant, show pictures of their cute pregnant bellies or talk about their big families.  It was also really hard for me to read blogs without feeling sad about the kinds of things people were doing with their kids that I have never been able to do with Aubrey.  (To be honest, sometimes that is still hard.  But I'm mostly over that.)

It was a hard time.  A tough place to be in.

So, basically I stopped reading blogs.  There were a select few, very close friends that I read occasionally because I wanted to stay connected.  But for the most part, I deleted my links.  It was really healthy for me.

Slowly over time I've started reading again.  Hi!  I'm back!

One thing that happened as a result of my blog reading hiatus, is that I stopped leaving comments on peoples blogs.  And now that I'm reading again...I'm out of the habit.  And if I haven't commented on someone's blog in like, a year, and I all of a sudden do...is that weird?  Do you think I'm a stalker?

Hey, and guess what else?  I don't get very many comments on my blog anymore either.  I totally get it.  But guys, I miss you!  Are you there?  Anyone?  Bueller?

Let's be friends again, blogging world.  Ok?

P.S.  If you have a private blog, can you send me another invite? 

Miss Understood

I'm all out of sorts.  Do you ever have days (weeks, months) like that?  Ugh.

Lately I've felt so misunderstood.  Everywhere I go I feel like I don't fit in.  Like the way I think and feel is so different than the way everyone else thinks and feels. 

Socially, I feel like I've lost my groove.  Once upon a time, I used to be the life of the party.  And these days I just feel like sitting in a corner and watching.  Why is it so hard to make new friends?

Not that it really matters.  Most days I would rather sit at home and watch Downton Abbey than go be around people.  Typing that was sad.

At church if I make a comment in Sunday school, it feels like it's going against the grain.  And then when I'm done I sit and wonder...did anyone understand what I was trying to say?

I'm just trying to be myself.  My honest to goodness, truest self.  It feels hard sometimes.

Matt likes me the way I am, is what he says.  He likes that I am a little sassy, a little contrary, a little liberal, and different.  Bless him.

A few weeks ago I sent him a text with this picture...

 Me:  What do we you think of this yellow coat?
Matt:  It's bold, but it's sassy

So naturally, I bought it.

Finding my happy.

 Normally summertime = fun time, but that has not been the case for us this year.  Between packing, moving, fixing up the new house (which really is NEVER ending), a case of shingles, and becoming weekend warriors with our new yard...there really hasn't been too much time for fun.  And Matt used a lot of his personal time to work on the house and move.

So here is a little update on our "new" house.  Before we moved in we (including Matt's whole family and my parents and several friends) tore out all the carpet, painted the whole house (including trim), sanded the stair railing and started painting it, replaced some of the stair rail, laid new carpet, fixed the fence, tore out a dead  tree, pulled out horrendously overgrown rose bushes, had the whole house sprayed for bugs, and cleaned the heck out of this place.  (P.S.  In case we haven't said it enough already...THANK YOU to all you awesome people who helped us with this stuff.  We literally could not have done it without you!)

But like I said...the work just never seems to end.  Since moving in we have fixed the roof, fixed the sprinklers, had new blinds put in, got a water softener, fixed the garage door, had the house sprayed for bugs AGAIN (don't get me started), yadda yadda yadda.  And the yard.  Let's just say that the people who owned this place before us let their huge dogs rule to yard, never sprayed for weeds, and never maintained their sprinkler system.

So anyway.  We're pooped.  We knew what we were getting into when we bought this house...and we got what we asked for.  More space, huge yard, etc.  It's just going to take a really long time to make it what we really want it to be.  But beggars can't be choosers.  We were limited in our options since we didn't sell our town home:)

Anyway, it all has been highly stressful, and overwhelming to say the least.  And for a few weeks I was really struggling.  I don't know how to explain it, except to say that I could not find my happy.  I think I was having an especially hard time because during all of this, Charlie was incredibly difficult.  He just screamed all the time, and was never happy unless I was holding him.  I just felt so stuck, because there was so much to do but I felt completely unproductive because between his need to be held, and inability to nap...I was lucky if I could take a shower and get dinner on the table everyday.

I found myself dissolving into a puddle of tears at the end of every day.  I was really hating the way I was feeling.  Finally I asked Matt for a blessing, because I couldn't go on like that any more.  It was the right thing to do, because I heard everything I needed to hear.  Especially when I was encouraged to see the beauty in every thing around me.  To see good in every one, and everything, and to recognize God's hand in my life.  Everything has changed for me since then.

I have really been enjoying my kids lately.  Charlie is changing so much right now.  And amazingly, now that he can crawl...he is so happy all the time!  I have been consciously making the effort the stop and sit with him, and soak in all of his "baby-ness".  I know it will be over soon...and I will miss it.  Aubrey has been a doll.  She loves to play with Charlie, hold him, hug him, give him toys, and generally be near him.  She is really enjoying the yard, and loves to come outside with us while we are working.

I have really been trying to go back to my social work training, and recall a lot of the parenting techniques that I learned in my old job.  It's amazing how things can change when you make the smallest adjustments in the way we communicate.

I have also started reading again, and now I can't get enough.  It's my favorite thing that I do for myself.  Do you have suggestions for me?  What have you been reading lately?  Leave me a comment!

Also...red lipstick.  It gives me super powers.  Or as Matt likes to say..."Super cute powers".

So, I am looking forward to fall.  Half day Kindergarten will be wonderful, and the cooler weather will be a welcome change for all of us.  But in the meantime, I am enjoying a lot of wonderful, beautiful things everyday.  I think I've found my happy again.

Someone Get Me A Doughnut

(experimenting with the idea of a redhead rocking red lips.  the jury is still out.)

I'm a mess of stress.  Let me explain.

We are moving.  We found renters for our town home (halleluja!), and bought another home about 10 minutes from here.  The new place is great!  More space, huge yard, awesome neighborhood.  We're so excited.  The only problem is that the house was a bank owned home.  And it's a bit of a fixer-upper.  Which is cool...because Matt loves projects, and it was a really good deal.

So the plan was to close at the end of May, spend all of June fixing the place up (while we still lived here), and then move in to the new house at the end of June, just in time for our renters to move in here on July 1st.  Perfect, right?  I know!

But (there's always a big but), it turns out that buying a bank owned home is complicated.  And it takes a long time.  And lender's are slow.  And here it is, June 11th...and we still haven't closed.  Because of stupid stuff.  Like, there's a broken window in the new house.  And the lender won't let us close until the window is fixed.  But the seller won't fix the window, because it's sold as is.  And the seller won't let us touch the house or do anything to it, until we close.  DO YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING?!

In the meantime, here we are packing up and getting ready to move (because remember, we have renters coming in here), and we're not exactly sure where we are going!  Will we close in enough time for us to do the major work before we move into the new house?  Are we going to have to move, put everything in storage, move in with Matt's parents, then fix up the house, and then move AGAIN?!

And it turns out that June could not have been a worse month for moving.  Matt is running the Ragnar (gone for a whole weekend), and another race that will pretty much take up the whole Saturday after we have to be out of here.  And then it turns out we also have Avett Brother's tickets for a show that is taking place on what should probably be our moving day.  Which we totally can't give up...because it's the only thing I've had to look forward to all summer!

Meanwhile (deep breath)...Aubrey is out of school for the summer, and driving me absolutely insane.  She does nothing but whine and cry at me all day long, and does naughty stuff while I am trying to put Charlie down for a nap or take a shower.  There is no reasoning with her, or disciplining her.  She doesn't get it.  And if she does get it, she doesn't care.  And Charlie...despite being an absolute doll, is still a horrible napper, eater, and sleeper.  And he wants to be held ALL the live long day.  I can't put him down for a few minutes without him screaming and crying at me.  But as long as he is in my arms, he is a sweet little cupcake.  But that makes packing kind of impossible!  I love my children to death.  But right now I am feeling like I could not have more difficult, demanding kids.

So what does this all mean?  It means I am drinking a lot of Diet Dr. Pepper, and crying, and breaking out with zits, and asking for a lot of help from family.  And emotional eating.  And too much yelling, and having to say I'm sorry.

And I just can't wait for it all to be over.  I keep imagining our new house.  Opening up the back door, and sending Aubs out to play on the swing set.  Filling up a pool and spending the afternoon in our swim suits.  Laying out a blanket and having a picnic for dinner every night!  We need that.  And we need it now. 

Before I poke my eye out with a fork.

*Thanks for the vent, Blog.  Next time I promise to have something good to say

"An island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea"

I have always been really proud of the fact that I am honest in what I write on this blog.  I've said from the beginning that this blog is a form of therapy for me, and that when I wrote I would never sugar coat things.  Not that there is anything wrong with blogs that are full of happiness and good times.  I think people have every right to record whatever they want to record.  But for me, being able to write about the good and the bad has really been a blessing.  I've written about our difficulties with raising a child with special needs, and I've written about the challenges of secondary fertility...as honestly as I could.

And this is another one of those times where I just need a few minutes to share some honest truths.  So here it is.

I am barely getting by.  I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water most days.  Like I am constantly trying not to drown.  I've dealt with some hard times in my life before...but I can't recall a time that felt so difficult.

For a while I blamed it on hormones.  A case of the "baby blues" that would eventually fade, and leave me feeling content and in control.  Then after a while I thought, maybe this is something more.  Maybe I have post-partum depression.  Maybe I need medication?  But then after thinking about it for a while, that didn't feel right either.

Because the truth is, that medication can't change the fact the my baby is colicky.  That he screams all the time and seems to hate me.  That he hates nursing, never naps, and is still waking up every 2 hours at night.  And medication can't change the fact that I am raising a child with severe intellectual disabilities.  That my five year old cannot speak to me, use the potty, or feed herself a bowl of cereal.  That she has never called me "Mommy".  Medication cannot help the crippling fear I feel when I think about her future.  And how hard that all is.  It is SO HARD.

And medication can't help that we are stuck in this tiny house with no yard, because we can't sell it without taking a HUGE loss.  Or that Aubrey was sick, and then Charlie was super sick, and now I am sick.

And can medication help the fact that at the end of every day I feel like a complete failure?  Because Aubrey watched too much t.v., and Charlie never slept for longer than 20 minutes, and I didn't have dinner on the table or take a shower, or even eat lunch.

I have never heard of a pill that can help with all of that.

And I know that comparrison is a dangerous and toxic road to go down.  But it is so hard to see all these beautiful women all around me who seem to have it all together and then some.  For instance...Matt's sisters.  Joy, especially.  (Joy if you are reading this...I have a mom crush on you!)  Even with her 7 children, she still manages to teach zumba, keep a gorgeous house, get her children to wherever they need to be...and look gorgeous in the process.  And yet, with just my two I am barely hanging on for dear life.

Tonight, I passed off a screaming Charlie to Matt so I could go upstairs and take a bath.  As I was walking up the stairs I tearfully apologized for all my failings.  I felt like such a disappointment.  He said "Megan, it's ok!  I love you!  You are just having a hard time right now."  Then I spent the next 30 minutes wondering if it is just "a hard time right now", or if it would always be so hard.  Will I always be this big of a mess?  And why aren't I turning into the kind of mother that I always envisioned myself being?

I guess what it all boils down to, is that I never thought motherhood would be so hard.  I thought that I was made of stronger stuff.  The kind of stuff that helps you get through things with grace, and dignity, and a little lipstick to boot.  But I guess I just have to hope that wading through all of this muck will eventually turn me into that woman.

But until then, I will get through my days one hour at a time.  And this song will be on repeat.**Skip to the 0:33 mark to avoid the expletive in the voicemail recording.

Yesterday

(Photo taken shortly after we brought Charlie home from the hospital.  Also, I don't know why Charlie was wearing grandpa pants pulled up to his armpits.)

Charlie had just woken up from a nap, so I went upstairs to get him.  Aubrey was downstairs.  I changed Charlie's diaper, and was talking to him and trying to coax some smiles out of him.  He was starting to get fussy...letting me know he was ready to eat.

All of a sudden, Aubrey walks into the room...naked.  I mean, naked as the day she was born.  She wasn't even wearing her socks!  Oh, and no diaper**.  I just started laughing, and thought to myself "someone needs some attention!"  So I was laughing and laughing, and she was laughing, and it was all just so funny until (I know you know whats coming) I smelled poop.  Then I stopped laughing.

Upon further investigation, I saw that Aubrey had poop on her hands.  So I ran downstairs real quick to see what she had done.  Now, at this point Charlie isn't just fussing anymore....he's crying.  Hard.  He had gone from "Hmm, I think I could use a snack" to "MOM!  FEED ME!  NOW!" real quick.  So I put him in his swing to try and keep him happy while I deal with the poop situation.

So, Aubrey had pooped in her diaper...decided she didn't like it, took off all her clothes, took off her diaper, and then spent some time (cringe!) investigating the contents of her diaper and spreading it around on the carpet!  I can't even begin...I just can't even...I just...EW!  So I look at Aubs and determine that she needs to be cleaned up (and punished!) immediately.  Meanwhile...King Charles is screaming so hard that he's stopped breathing and his face has gone from bright red to a purple-ish color, and he's like "WOMAN IF YOU DON"T FEED ME RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO DIE!"

So I hurry and wash Aubrey in the bathroom the best that I can, put a pull-up on her, and put her in her room.  I go downstairs and grab Charlie, who is in hysterics.  As I walk to the couch to nurse him, I realize there is still poop all over the carpet.  I look at Charlie, I look at the floor, I look back at Charlie...and I say words that I never imagined would come out of my mouth.

"The poop on the floor is just going to have to wait for a minute."

So I fed Charlie.  When he was through I cleaned up the mess, and went to check on Aubrey.  She was naked again.

Today we bought a carpet cleaner.

**Yes, Aubrey is still wearing diapers.  We have tried and tried and tried to get this girl toilet trained for more than a year....but she has been fighting us on it.  It's like one step forward, two steps back.  If anyone has any advice on how to potty train a very stubborn, non-verbal, developmentally delayed almost 5 year old...let me know.

Questions of the Post Partum Variety

 At what point will it no longer be acceptable to wear sweat pants everyday?  (Remember, I am not just contending with post-partum pounds.  I've also got post c-section pain to accommodate as well.)

My milk is letting down every 2.5 hours whether Mr. Charles is ready to eat or not.  This never happened with Aubrey.  Will it regulate?  Because, ow.

Why do I feel like shedding some tears every day when the sun goes down?  And isn't this the cruelest phenomenon to experience during the WINTER?!

I have a cracked nipple.  I die a little each time I nurse on that side.  Will this heal?  Please, please tell me it will heal.  (And yes, I use lanolin after each and every feeding)

Charlie is being circumcised in a few days.  What can I expect?  Should I watch?

Will I ever feel normal again?

35 weeks (Complaining in CAPS)

 

I am in trouble, y'all.  (Y'all?  Where did that come from?)

I have about a month left of pregnancy, but I am done.  So done.  I went grocery shopping today, and when I finally got the groceries loaded, and hauled my huge behind into the car, I called Matt and declared that I was not going grocery shopping EVER again until I have this baby. 

You see, the baby is sitting so low.  Like right on top of my bladder.  Like when I stand up he is gonna fall out of my who-ha.  And it makes me waddle.  There is no other way.  And it feels like my pelvic bones are separating.  And this baby is big.  SO big!  When I am upright for too long (i.e. walking through the isles of walmart) my back feels like it is going to give out.

By the time I got to the check out I realized that I had forgotten a few things, but OH WELL!  Because Walmart is extra huge when you are 8 months pregnant, and there was no way I was going back.  We'll just have to eat our pizza WITHOUT ANY DANG CHEESE!  Then the cashier took his sweet time ringing up my groceries, and I wanted to yell at him "I AM ABOUT TO TIP OVER/PEE ALL OVER MYSELF!"  But I didn't, because he was old...and because pregnant or not I generally try not to yell at strangers.

Then I waddled my cart to my car as fast as I could, and I could see people staring at me like "That lady is so pregnant she's gonna have her baby in the parking lot!"  NOPE!  Still a month to go, folks!

Then I got home, pulled into the garage, and almost started crying when I realized I still had to carry all the groceries into the house and put them all away.  I know, I know...FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.

Alright.  I'm done complaining now.  I just needed to get it out of my system.

Baby boy is still breech, from what I can tell.  I'm pretty sure I feel his head way up at the top of my belly.  He is still pretty active throughout the day.  Sometimes if I haven't felt him move a lot in the evening, I tell Matt to talk to my belly...and sure enough he will start wiggling.  He loves his daddy already!

I am pretty much done with all of my Christmas shopping, so it's time to start getting ready for this little guy.  A friend from church is throwing me a shower tomorrow night, which should be super fun...and help me figure out what is left (if anything) to buy.  This weekend we will be painting the nursery (and hopefully buying our Christmas tree).  Then most of my preparation will be washing clothes, blankets, bedding, car seat, bouncy chair, etc. and sterilizing pacifiers, breast pump parts, and bottles.  I also want to take a tour of the hospital and pre-register.  I am getting so excited!

Our baby has a name.  We call him by it all the time, and even use it when we pray for him.  Which is so different from Aubrey, who went for 2 whole days after she was born without a name.  Our families know, but other than that we are keeping it to ourselves until he is born.  Just to make it special.  And just in case we change our minds at the last second.

Despite all my discomfort and complaining, I am so happy that I can do this.  I think about baby brother all the time.  I wonder what he looks like, and what personality traits he will have.  I daydream about holding him in my arms and sniffing his head.  I imagine how Aubrey will love him.  And what friends they will be someday.  And it makes all the horribleness of pregnancy totally worth it!

An Update and Gratitude

Matt is at the BYU football game with his brother, Aubrey is fast asleep, Stella is snoring loudly in the corner, and baby brother is kicking so hard that it hurts.  What better time than this to sit down and blog, right?

Except when I started to think about what I could possibly write about the last two weeks, the only word I could come up with was "puke".  And who wants to read a blog post about that?  Not you!  Not even me!

Well, the last time I wrote, I chronicled the nasty stomach bug that made it's way through our house.  But it turns out that it never really went away.  Everything cleared up for Matt and I, thank goodness, but Aubrey was sick on and off for 17 days.  17 DAYS, Y'ALL!  Oh man, it has been rough.  It will last for a day or two, and then she will be completely fine for 3 or 4 days, and then all of a sudden...BAM.  Back again with a vengeance.  She even went for a stretch of 6 days where she was completely fine, went to school, etc.  Then it came back.  Again.  And I cried a lot.

Because, having a child with the stomach flu is super hard.  Having a completely non-verbal child with the stomach flu...while 8 months pregnant?  WAY HARDER!  And poor, poor Aubrey.  She has been through the ringer!  She missed her last two horse back riding lessons, has lost a lot of weight, and has spent way too much time drinking pedialyte in front of the t.v.  Not to mention that she could never tell us exactly how she was feeling.  We did finally take her to the doctor, because my mother heart kept telling me that something else had to be going on.  They've run some tests, but nothing has come back yet.  She hasn't been sick for a few days though, and we have made some serious restrictions to her diet for the time being, and started her on some pro-biotics.  So hopefully, it is over.

Please.  Please let it be over.

So, my grand plans to get all my Christmas shopping done by Thanksgiving so I could spend the rest of December getting ready for the baby?  Ha!  So funny.

So to combat the totally crap-tastic month that November has been, and the equally crap-tastic mood I've been in, I thought I should make a gratitude list.  You know, since it's almost Thanksgiving and all.  Here goes.

I am Thankful for:
-Matt and his willingness to help whenever and however he can.  He is the best man I know.
-My mom who calls and checks on us everyday, and let's me bawl my guts out on numerous occasions, even though she has serious stress of her own.
-Matt's Mom and Dad, who watched Aubrey so we could go on a date last night.  Man, we needed that.
-Aubrey's sweet disposition, despite her challenges and illness.
-Stella.  She is such a good girl, and so much a part of our family that I can't remember what life was like without her.
-Baby brother.  Despite all the hard things we've been going through lately, he is a constant source of joy to me.  I feel him kick and squirm and move all day long, and I never forget what a blessing he is.  We are SO excited for his arrival!
-A warm comfortable home, and reliable cars.
-Good Health Insurance!
-My washer and dryer.  I've used them so much lately that I'm surprised the Salt Lake valley hasn't sun out of water.
-Kind and thoughtful text messages from friends and neighbors.
-The beautiful snow we got last night.  It was so magical.
-Matt's sexy beard.
-My big bath tub, and hypnobirthing tracks.  Who knows if it will be helpful while I'm in labor...but it sure does help me relax now!
-Netflix and their endless supply of Sesame Street and Super Why episodes.
-Matt's nightly foot massages.  Did I mention that I don't know a better man?

Well, I feel better already.  There really is so so much to be thankful for.  And hopefully (knock on wood, cross your fingers, and pray like crazy) the sickness will be over for good, and we can get on with enjoying the holiday season and getting ready for this baby.  Have a happy Thanksgiving!

Crazy Pregnant Lady Late at Night

 

It is 12:20 am and I can't sleep.  Part of it is because I took the most glorious nap this afternoon.  The other part of it is because I am a worrying machine late at night.  Especially lately.

Just now, I attempted to wake Matt up so he could help me clear my mind.  I shook him and shook him and shook him.  He is not easy to wake.  Finally he rolled over and asked what was wrong.  I told him I couldn't stop worrying and I couldn't sleep, and asked him if he could help me stop worrying by talking through some things with me.  He put his arm around me and said "Of course!".  Then he promptly started snoring again.  At least he had good intentions!

But for the past few weeks I have been having ridiculous stress dreams all night long.  Like I am in charge of Thanksgiving dinner, but I never thawed the turkey and I forgot to buy half of the food we would need.  Or, I am in college and it's finals, but I remember that there is a class I haven't been going to for weeks, and how am I gonna pass the final?  Or it's the first day of high school, and I don't know my locker combination or where my classes are.

I knew that if I didn't clear my mind of some of this nonsensical worry, I would have more crazy dreams.  So here is what's on my mind.

I am worrying about Aubrey.  Surprise, surprise.  I am worrying about school, and if she is getting enough attention, and if she is being challenged enough.  I am worrying about whether we should get her additional therapies and if so how are we going to afford it. 

I am worried about how I am ever going to get her fully potty trained, and what are we gonna do when she outgrows size 6 diapers.  I am worried because she is coming down with a cold, and should I take her to her horseback riding lesson tomorrow?  And will I ever feel like I am doing everything I should be doing for her?

I am worrying about being prepared for the baby.  Why can't I find bedding that I like?  When are we gonna get around to painting the nursery?  Should I be buying more stuff?  Where am I gonna put everything?  Should I buy the Hypnobabies cd's or try to borrow them from someone?  Who would I even ask?

I am worried about the pregnancy.  Why is everything happening so fast?  Should my pelvis really be hurting like this already?  And really...isn't it a little early for braxton hicks contractions?  And for the love of Pete...I KNOW my boobs should not already be leaking this much!  (Sorry for the tmi...but seriously. COME. ON.)

*deep breath* So now I think I will lay back down and throw these vibes out to the universe.

Aubrey will be fine.  We will keep working our way through things one day at a time, and she will learn what she needs to learn when she needs to learn it.  We are doing our best.  The baby is fine.  He will have everything he needs.  I will have a magnificent birth experience.  I will be prepared.  I will find someone who will lend me their Hypnobabies materials so I don't have to buy it.  There will be room for everything.  My body knows what it is doing, and I will trust it.  It is working hard, and doing what it should.  And I am so thankful for these things.

And thankfully...I am NOT in charge of Thanksgiving this year:)  Nighty night.

Walking Shadows

Today, I had had enough.  Aubrey had been screeching at me all day.  It's her new "thing".  Whenever she dislikes something, doesn't want to do something, needs help with something, or is generally irritated by anything...she screeches.  I try to set a good example by quietly responding with "Please don't yell at me, Aubrey.  Say you are sorry."  So she will sign that she is sorry.  Then five minutes later she will screech at me about something else.  Eventually she will get a time out, because I can only respond pleasantly so many times before I get mad.

So, this afternoon I decided we had to get out of the house.  The sun was shining, so we got all bundled up and took Stella for a walk.  And from Aubrey's reaction you would think she had never set foot outside in her entire life.  Girl was in heaven.

So we walked and walked.  All the while Aubs was laughing and giggling and making all sorts of noises that didn't involve screeching.  Bliss.  Then after a while I decided we should turn to make the circle back home.  I figured if we walked too long and Aubrey got tired she would want to be carried all the way home...which is pretty impossible considering that she is ridiculously tall and I had Stella on a leash (who, by the way, also acted like she had never been outside before in her life.)

But as soon as I started turning, Aubrey thew the most epic tantrum of her life.  I'm talking, throw herself on the ground, screaming bloody murder, snot running down her face, sort of tantrum.  And, did I mention that we were out at the same time the elementary school was getting out?  So all the moms who were waiting outside to pick up their kids got to witness the joy of this horrific tantrum.

So I decided we would keep walking North for a while.  She clearly wasn't done with the walk.  But each time I tried to turn it was the same thing.  I couldn't figure out what she was so upset about.  I tried asking her if she wanted to walk to the park, to the church, etc.  But she was only happy when we were walking North.  Finally, I bit the bullet and said we had to turn around and go back home.  So I started heading South.  Again with the screaming.

(I promise this is going somewhere)

On the way back home we stopped momentarily so Stella could do her "business".  While we were stopped I watched Aubrey.  She turned to face North again.  I thought she would walk away, but she didn't.  She just faced North.  And then she lifted up her arms and started laughing.  Then she would bend down and touch the ground right in front of her, then hop up and start laughing.  Then I got it.

She was playing with her shadow.

So, all along she had been watching our shadows as we walked north.  But whenever we turned she couldn't see the shadows anymore, and it wasn't as fun to walk anymore!  So we stayed put for a while.  I sat down on a big rock, and watched her play with her shadow some more.  She waved at it, and bounced her arms up and down.  She tried to grab it, and laughed each time she couldn't get to it.  I tried to explain what a shadow is...but she didn't care.  To her, it was the coolest thing in the world.

I had so many wishes in that moment.  I wished that she could have told me all along that what she wanted was to see her shadow.  I wished that we could have avoided all the tantrums.  I wished that we could have a conversation about it.  I wished that I didn't have to live such a huge portion of my life in constant state of guessing.

But most of all, I wished that I could just learn how to listen to Aubrey the way that she needs me too.  To listen "Aubrey Style".  By taking a few moments to stop, and look, and pay attention to the details.  To observe, and fully open my heart and my mind to what I see, rather than what I perceive.  To take all the small pieces and put them together, forming the words that she can't speak physically...but still needs me to hear.

It is such a counter-intuitive way of communicating.  And it is just so dang hard.  That's all.

Whatevs...

 (winter inversion...photo by Dan Pope)

Aubs went to bed at 6:45 tonight.  She was so crazy hysterical at dinner that she just laid her head down on the table and cried while we tried to pry her mouth open and put food in it.  I SO hope that this is not a sign of oncoming sickness.  Please don't get sick.  Please don't get sick.  Please don't get sick.  Am I the only parent that chants this to themselves while dunking their children in a vat of anti-bacterial hand soap?  Just wondering...

I just got back from my first spinning class of the new year.  My who-ha is gonna be hurtin' tomorrow, but it's worth it.  I love spinning.  We did a freaking 10 minute hill at the very end, and I almost swore out loud.  But instead I closed my eyes and went to my happy place.  The instructor was saying things like "Don't cheat yourself out of doing hard things.  What do you want for yourself?  Why are you here?  Think about what you want for your life in 2011!"  It was a great workout, and I feel awesome.

Last week I started painting our dresser.  Matt made it when he was in high school.  It's an awesome piece of furniture, but it is light oak, and the rest of our bedroom furniture is black.  So I took it apart, sanded the crap out of it, and have been painting a little every night after Aubrey goes to bed.  It looks awesome, and I am kinda a little proud of myself for spending $45 (we got new hardware for it too...) making something old look new, instead of spending a whole lot more on something brand new.  I will post pictures when it's finished.  I just have two more drawers to do and then I'll be done.  Then it's time to move on to the entertainment center.

Is it just me, or is January like the crappiest month of the whole year?  Seriously.  The holidays are over, there isn't really anything to look forward to, it's flipping cold outside, and we've been dealing with some pretty nasty air in the valley.  Just yuck.  I told Matt that I want to get in bed and hibernate until spring.  Don't get me wrong, I'm totally jazzed about working on my goals, and I'm feeling good about the changes I'm making in my life...but life is always happier when you can spend time outside.  And I don't wanna be outside for more than about 2 minutes right now.  Blah.

Matt's birthday is coming up soon, so I guess that is one thing we can look forward to this month!  He wants the usual...a day of skiing, and a round chocolate cake.  It's hard to believe he will be 28.  And then six months later I will be 28 too.  For some reason that age seems A LOT different than 27.  I mean, 28 is almost 30.  Can we really be there already?  It seems like just yesterday we were giddy 21 year old college students making out in Matt's pickup truck.  Ahem... sorry Dad.

The end.

Things That Must Go

-Glenn Beck

-Stella barking like a maniac at 6:00 am when she hears the neighbor pulling out her garbage bins, and thinks that someone in going to come and murder us all.

-Aubrey being sick basically every other week from October to April.

-Aubrey sucking on her fingers and putting everything in her mouth, thus being sick every other week from October to April.

-Taylor Swift.  Look, I know she is tall, and skinny, and beautiful, and writes songs about her famous boyfriends, and it's all just so scandalous...but have you heard her sing live?  Girlfriend cannot sing.  If there was no such thing as auto tune, no one would know who she is.  And now she is everywhere promoting her new album, and there is no escaping her tone deaf live performances.

-The $#@*$&! economy.

-Glee being so raunchy this season.  Way to take a really great show and totally ruin it, Fox.

-The neighborhood kids leaving their crap out in the alley ALL THE TIME.  So help me, if I have to get out of my car to move your bike/scooter/skateboard/tonka truck one more time, I'm just going to start stealing it.  That will teach you.

-Insurance companies.

-Glenn Beck.  Wait, did I already say that?

What are some of the things YOU think must go?

Whining and Formspring #2

Shoot.  I think this is the longest I have gone between posts.  Probably the two biggest reasons I haven't been posting are that we have been quite busy, and I have also been feeling like complete crap.  And I didn't really feel like writing about how crappy I feel, because no one likes a whiner.  But the truth is that taking Clomid has been a lot harder on me than I was expecting.  So I basically have not felt well for a really long time.  I have had just about every side effect under the sun, and today I nearly drove myself to the emergency room because I was in such awful pain.  And I am just going to say right now, that if this doesn't work someone is going to have hell to pay.  *end of rant*

So in an effort to write anything something...here is another formspring question.  This one ended up being a little longer than I was planning on.  But next time I will try to knock out a few questions in one post.

What are your top 3 fears?

Well, of course my greatest fears involve losing my family.  But those are everyone's greatest fears, so they don't count.  Aside from those, I think I would have to go with these three.

-The Dark
-Car accidents
-Spiders/rodents

I am afraid of the dark, and that is the honest truth.  To tell the truth, I blame my dad and my brothers for this.  When I was growing up it was a common occurance for my dad to go upstairs and hide somewhere while we were getting ready for bed...and then as soon as the lights went out he would jump out and scare us.  My brothers were just as bad.  And being that I am the youngest, and only girl...I often fell victim to their scares.  It was all fun and games back then, but I think my psyche never fully recovered, because to this day when the lights go out I fully expect something or someone to jump out and get me.  Sometimes Matt thinks it's funny to turn out all the lights downstairs when we are heading up to bed, and then make scary noises and start chasing me...and it usually ends with me getting violent because I just can't handle it:)  He had to learn the hard way!  Oh, and if I am ever walking home from the gym or a friends house in the dark I am constantly looking over my shoulder to make sure a bad guy isn't gonna get me.  And when Matt is out of town I sleep with the lights on.  cause I'm a freak.

Car accidents are something that I've only grown fearful of since I was in my first one.  When I was about 14 weeks pregnant with Aubrey I was in a really bad car accident on my way to work.  I was driving on I15.  I will spare you the details and just say that before the accident I was driving in the far right lane headed north.  When the accident was over I was in the far left shoulder, facing south.  Thankfully other than some major muscle pain/back spasms I was fine.  Our car, which we had owned for less than a month, was just a few hundred dollars shy of being totaled.  It was a ridiculously scary event, and it has totally changed the way I drive, and the kind of passenger I am.  I do not ever sleep in the car anymore as a passenger, I rarely speed by more than 5 miles per hour, and I always take back roads whenever possible.

Spiders/rodents are pretty self explanitory.  No one really likes those things...but they petrify me.  I had a really bad spider bite when I was a camp counselor in Michigan.  It was SO painful and required a trip to the E.R., a shot, and a round of steroids.  Also, one time a momma spider hatched her egg sack in our apartment in Provo, and I STILL have nightmares about the millions of tiny spiders that covered our bathroom ceiling.  Same goes for all rodents...mice, bugs, anything like that.  It makes me want to pee my pants and scream like a little girl.

That's all for now.  I am going to try to start writing more frequently again...and there are a few things weighing on my mind, so hopefully I will have something worthwhile to write about.  Good night.

Because What Else Can I Do?

Dear Momma,

I heard you were trying to work on your patience.  That's why I decided to wake up for good at 4 am.  Just trying to help...have a great day!

Sloppy Kisses,

Aubs


Dear Aubrey,

Don't do this ever again.  I don't need any more help working on my patience.

Love,
Momma

P.S.  Daddy is coming to take out your lightbulbs, books, and fan.  I will see you at 7:30 and no sooner.


Dear Prison Warden,

You suck, and I want my books back.  I will see you at 7:30 with one gigantic poop.

Your Best Inmate,
Aubs

Dear Internets,

It was a good day.  Emphasis on "was".

Aubrey went to school, and had a great time.  I fixed the kitchen faucet, by myself.  I cleaned and mopped.  Matt got home early and we rode our bikes around the lake and played for a long time at the park.  I fixed a fabulous meal that was enjoyed by all.

But.

But now it is 10:23 and Aubrey is still awake.  We have been at this since 8:00.  She won't go to sleep.  She won't stay in her bed.  She won't quit pulling the shades back to look outside (even though it is completely dark).  She has been a rotten stinker at bedtime for weeks.  We are at our wits end.

So then Matt and I argue because we have different ideas about what needs to be done.  Let me tell you something, Internet.  Arguing with your partner when tensions are already high?  Not a good idea.  Because it turns out that you both are already mad about something that has nothing to do with each other.

Also, you are partners.  Use your power for good and not evil.  I'm just saying.

Also, Stella is driving us crazy.  I love her and all...but is it time for her to stop being a puppy already?  Please?  She is being naughty, and spoiled, and we have no clue what we are doing.  We are fools.

Somebody please tell me something good.  Like, Aubrey won't sleep because she is about to start talking and she's just too excited.  Or, you want to adopt Stella from us.  Oh, you are a dog whisperer and you want to train our dog for free?  MARVELOUS!  What?  We just won a brand new laptop?  EVEN BETTER!

Thanks, Internets.  You always come through for us.

This Sums It Up

I will write again soon.  I promise.  As soon as I can find my confidence, nerve, ambition, determination, drive, energy, creativity, and bra.  If you need me I'll be in the bathtub.

Wah Wah Woe Woe and Other Patheticness

Aubrey is still sick.  Croup that keeps us up all night, an ear infection, and now goopey eyes.

Matt came home from work yesterday saying he wasn't feeling well.  He was up all night...in and out of the bath tub.  He is home today with a raging fever and lots of pain.  He hasn't left our room in 15 hours.

I am exhausted.  And I have that tell tale tingly feeling in the back of my throat accompanied by that ache in my neck...and wondering who is going to take care of everyone if I get sick too.

Sometimes being the mom sucks.  I'm just saying...