I have always been really proud of the fact that I am honest in what I write on this blog. I've said from the beginning that this blog is a form of therapy for me, and that when I wrote I would never sugar coat things. Not that there is anything wrong with blogs that are full of happiness and good times. I think people have every right to record whatever they want to record. But for me, being able to write about the good and the bad has really been a blessing. I've written about our difficulties with raising a child with special needs, and I've written about the challenges of secondary fertility...as honestly as I could.
And this is another one of those times where I just need a few minutes to share some honest truths. So here it is.
I am barely getting by. I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water most days. Like I am constantly trying not to drown. I've dealt with some hard times in my life before...but I can't recall a time that felt so difficult.
For a while I blamed it on hormones. A case of the "baby blues" that would eventually fade, and leave me feeling content and in control. Then after a while I thought, maybe this is something more. Maybe I have post-partum depression. Maybe I need medication? But then after thinking about it for a while, that didn't feel right either.
Because the truth is, that medication can't change the fact the my baby is colicky. That he screams all the time and seems to hate me. That he hates nursing, never naps, and is still waking up every 2 hours at night. And medication can't change the fact that I am raising a child with severe intellectual disabilities. That my five year old cannot speak to me, use the potty, or feed herself a bowl of cereal. That she has never called me "Mommy". Medication cannot help the crippling fear I feel when I think about her future. And how hard that all is. It is SO HARD.
And medication can't help that we are stuck in this tiny house with no yard, because we can't sell it without taking a HUGE loss. Or that Aubrey was sick, and then Charlie was super sick, and now I am sick.
And can medication help the fact that at the end of every day I feel like a complete failure? Because Aubrey watched too much t.v., and Charlie never slept for longer than 20 minutes, and I didn't have dinner on the table or take a shower, or even eat lunch.
I have never heard of a pill that can help with all of that.
And I know that comparrison is a dangerous and toxic road to go down. But it is so hard to see all these beautiful women all around me who seem to have it all together and then some. For instance...Matt's sisters. Joy, especially. (Joy if you are reading this...I have a mom crush on you!) Even with her 7 children, she still manages to teach zumba, keep a gorgeous house, get her children to wherever they need to be...and look gorgeous in the process. And yet, with just my two I am barely hanging on for dear life.
Tonight, I passed off a screaming Charlie to Matt so I could go upstairs and take a bath. As I was walking up the stairs I tearfully apologized for all my failings. I felt like such a disappointment. He said "Megan, it's ok! I love you! You are just having a hard time right now." Then I spent the next 30 minutes wondering if it is just "a hard time right now", or if it would always be so hard. Will I always be this big of a mess? And why aren't I turning into the kind of mother that I always envisioned myself being?
I guess what it all boils down to, is that I never thought motherhood would be so hard. I thought that I was made of stronger stuff. The kind of stuff that helps you get through things with grace, and dignity, and a little lipstick to boot. But I guess I just have to hope that wading through all of this muck will eventually turn me into that woman.
But until then, I will get through my days one hour at a time. And this song will be on repeat.**Skip to the 0:33 mark to avoid the expletive in the voicemail recording.
16 comments:
Oh Megan I am sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. P was very colicky for a few months and I thought I was going to go nuts. She also didn't sleep through the night and continued waking up every 3 hours until about 10.5 months. I can't imagine dealing with two children while dealing with that.
I am sure you are doing wonderful given your circumstances and you are a great mom. Don't be so hard on yourself. :(
Have you tried colic calm? It's all natural and sold at cvs. It helped P sometimes. It's worth a shot. Our pedi told us about it after I took her in for like the 4th time to see if something was wrong with her because she cried constantly.
Good luck to you. I hope you have better days ahead.
Ahh Meg, the life of a mommy is full of surprises, disappointments, joys, and all sorts of gooey substances in between! I think Kameron has only slept through the night a handful of times since he came home...and I am talking about a 6 hour stretch being "through the night" I had such a hard time with Spencer crying, and not nursing, or sleeping. He practically lived in my sling for the first 4-5 months...And dinner can always consist of a can of soup, or a bowl of cereal! There will be a time down the road when you are making gourmet meals in a nice big house, while your children play in the background...but for now, just remember that you are an amazingly strong woman, and mommy, and I completely look up to you. You are doing an amazing work, and pretty soon, this rough patch will all be a memory. In the meantime, let's plan a playdate/vent fest, and I'll hold a screaming Charlie while you relax! I am calling you this week to plan it, so no backing out!! Love you!
First and foremost, You are incredibly strong and a fabulous mother. Don't let anything or anyone tell you different. Like Jill, I too look up to you. You have been stronger with your trials than most people could be and you DO walk in grace and beauty. It is probably hard to see that because Charlie is giving you a run for your money right now. But it will end soon, I promise. Colic doesn't last very long, but when you are in it, it seems like an eternity!
Im so sorry Megan you are feeling like this. Just know that there are so many people who are out there that can and want to help! I have been on the receiving end of help and it's hard to Just ask, but know that you can and really should! I will come running! Loves to you!
For me there have been countless times I have looked at you as a mother and wondered if I could do and handle all you handle and do all you do. I think you are amazing. Thank you for being so open and honest. I had an interesting thought today at church. There are a lot of wives of dental & medical students in our ward who carry immense loads while their husbands are constantly occupied with school. Today at church I was looking at them all and I just wondered "why so much, and why are they being asked to do more?" The image/thought entered my mind of the wives of the Mormon battalion (I know, weird thought, right? I can honestly say it’s not one I’ve really entertained before), how they were already doing and sacrificing so much, but to then have their husband leave them and continue across the "wilderness" alone...but they were not alone. The Lord loved them and helped them...even with all they were asked to do. That experience helped me today. I just thought I'd share and I'll keep you in my prayers.
From the first day I met you in the bathroom at church and we bonded over morning sickness... I've had a mom crush on you! You inspire me in so many ways. Thank you for being honest- I think you speak to so many of us by telling it like it is! Hang in there. Matt's right- it is just a hard time, not a hard life.
Hang in there girl. You don't have an easy road for sure...it probably feels like this stage will never end, but it's got to be one of your hardest and it will pass! Charlie will grow out of it, and Aubrey will start communicating better and you'll look back on this time and think- wow, I am amazing for getting through that!! You are amazing, and keep your head high! That first 6-8 months of infancy seems like it's going to last forever and then when it comes you think- wow, that went fast and you start to come out of the clouds and really start to enjoy your babe (at least in my opinion:) Those early stages are ROUGH! (and I've never dealt with colick! I can ONLY imagine, and I feel for you)...I'll say a little prayer you can get through this and have some relief soon- you can, you are TOUGH!
First of all, I can totally relate, I just had my fourth and I feel like I'm barely making it through each day.
I would strongly suggest at least tying an antidepressant, it certainly will not fix all of your problems but you will be amazed at how it can help you cope with all that is going on. I have gone on Celexa or Zoloft after my last three babies and the results were life changing.
The best piece of advice I have is to take it hour by hour. The first few weeks after I had Hazel I felt overwhelmed with the thought of how I was ever going to keep things up and would get caught up in thinking that life would always be as difficult as it was in that moment. Reality is that eventually your baby will sleep, eventually he will be a sweet toddler that isn't colicky (although, then you'll have toddler problems), eventually you will get to shower each day, etc. It might not happen today, or next week, but things will change, and until then you have to tread water the best you can. Don't get caught up thinking too far ahead, focus on the next hour and getting through that.
Finally, you are an amazing mother, and it sounds like you have an amazing partner to help you, you can do this!
Megs- I Love you girl! Keep your chin up and try thinking of something you are grateful for everyday. You are amazing and I love your straight to it honest posts. I wish I was closer to you and we could get together. Soon hopefully:)
You might try pumping and feeding him with a bottle at times. Maybe Charlie would take to it better? Just a suggestion, you've probably already tried that:) Good luck you are amazing girl! Love ya!
Megan, I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. I don't have much to add to the wise women who have already commented, but hang in there. Love you!
I've said before that I think you are quite an inspiration and a great example of love and just overall awesomeness. And I don't even know you personally! I know sometimes life seems unnecessarily hard. The bright point in that is that, one day, from the advantage of a different perspective, you will see how you've grown and what now looks hard will look like a piece of cake. And that's because you will have grown and become stronger and you will KNOW you could survive it -- and have more confidence in being able to survive the next big adventure :). And here's another song for you that I really love: SWIM by Jake's Mannequin. So love the message and it has kind of been my motto in recent weeks :). Best of luck and I hope things get better soon. I know the Lord knows your burdens and that He loves you and that He never gives you more than you can handle (even if that is cold comfort at the time). And thanks for your blog. I still really enjoy it.
Megan, I think you are incredible, and I thank you for your honesty. It's nice to know that other mothers struggle too. It is hard being a mother, it is fun, but it is also very hard, and as a mother you have definietly been thrown a difficult hand. This hard part with colick will end... doesn't mean there won't be more hard things down the road, but each little hard thing will make you stronger. Hang in there. ASK FOR HELP. SERIOUSLY! I'm always more than happy to help where I can. And pray for patience and understanding... you might not get it right away, but one day you will. I love you and always have you in my personal prayers!
Megan, I LOVE reading your blog! I too have been struggling with being "strong enough" to be a mom lately! Dallin is now 5 months old and still wakes up every 3 hours at night to eat and his naps are horrible. One book and DVD that I wish I would have known about when he was a little younger was "Happiest Baby on the Block." It at least made me feel a little better as a mom and gave some excellent tips along the way. You are definitely on the right track just taking things one hour at a time!
So many good comments already, and I just wanted to add my support--and to say that you shouldn't feel bad for feeling overwhelmed. A baby is more than a full-time occupation for one person, adding in another child--especially one who has special needs--makes it challenging for anyone, no matter how "together" they are otherwise.
With every single one of my babies, I feel like it has taken at least six months (and this gets longer with each child) before I feel normal again. Sleep does make such a huge difference, and when your baby isn't sleeping, it's hard to really take care of anything else.
One thing has helped me on these really awful days is to identify just one thing that I need or want to do--and it can be something that literally takes two minutes, like making a phone call that I've been putting off--and doing it. It helps me to feel like today was somehow different from the day before, and like I am making progress. And it doesn't even have to be "productive"--it can just be taking a five-minute walk around the block by myself. Just something different, and something that I can check off.
Megan, thank you for writing this. I love how honest you are in your blog posts. Because do you want to hear something crazy? I have actually been feeling like a bad mom and been super jealous of you (and a couple other specific new moms) because you seemed to be adjusting so easy while I have felt like I still can't figure it out! So thank you for writing this. I don't have any great words of advice for you other than you are not alone. And now I know that I am not alone either and that helps a lot. Someday it'll all come together.
Thanks for this! I wish I could write as honestly and open as you do, but I just don't have the talent for words like you do! We really all do have our different struggles and comparison is dangerous because we all have different purposes and missions on this earth as well! You are fabulous! I wish I wasn't so retarded back in the days that we knew each other, but I hope you don't hold it against me. I think about you a lot and pray for you when I do.
Megan,
You're right. Medication won't change all the things that are difficult to deal with in your life. It WILL, however, help you deal with them with a little more grace, love, and patience.
I speak from experience. Mommy-blues (post-partum depression) hit me hard. I HAD to be medicated or I might have taken my own life. No, the medication did not change the fact that my baby wouldn't nurse, cried day and night, and seemed to hate me anytime I held her. It did help me calm down long enough to sing to her, cradle her, and find a love I didn't think I had.
Do yourself a favor and try the medication. You'll thank yourself later.
Please...
Susan
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