A Different Road

I think it's time to interrupt this long blog hiatus to write a post I've been stewing and thinking on for quite a long time.

I think that there are a few different reasons why I've had a hard time sticking with blogging.  Some of it has to do with using different social media platforms to share bits of my life.  Some of it has to do with being distracted by other things.  But I think one of the biggest reasons that I don't really blog anymore is because this blog has always been a place where I come and share my life in a very open and honest way.  Writing honestly was always the most rewarding aspect of blogging for me.  I knew that this was a place where I could come and tell my truth.

But the truth is that there have been some big changes in my life and our life as a family that I just haven't felt safe sharing here.  I have been scared, not because they are bad changes...they are good changes for me/us...but because I know MANY of my friends and some family will see it as bad.  However, lately I've been feeling this bone deep desire to live my life as authentically as I can.  And for me that means not allowing the fear of what others will think about me and my decisions to dictate the choices I make, or how I live my life.  It means not hiding, or pretending that I am something that I'm not.

So, the big thing I am referring to is...that we have left the LDS church (or Mormon church for my few non-LDS readers).  When I say "left", I don't mean that we have removed our names from the records of the church, or that we have been excommunicated.  I simply mean that we are no longer believing members, and we no longer attend.  I have not attended for well over a year.  It has been almost a year for Matt.

I'm not going to get into all of the details or specific reasons why we left the church.  But, because Mormons tend to make a lot of assumptions about those who leave the church (I know...because I used to do it too!) I will clarify a few things.  We did not leave the church because we were offended by someone.  We did not leave the church because we didn't have enough faith/didn't read scriptures/didn't pray/didn't try hard enough.  We did not leave the church because we just wanted to "sin".

The most honest and simple thing I can say is that we left because we don't believe it anymore.  Over time and because of some experiences we've gone through, we really began to question certain doctrine and church policies.  So we studied and we prayed, and we kept going.  And we studied more, and prayed more, and kept going.  And then we came to a point where belief in much of what is taught was gone entirely.  But we kept going, holding out hope that we could find a middle way.

But the middle way isn't easy to come by.  Especially here is Utah.  The time when we were really trying to find a middle way...to make it work and stick it out despite our change in beliefs, was a really difficult time.  It was just painful.  But Matt and I have both been members for our entire lives.  Our parents are.  Many of our siblings are.  And when it's all you've ever known, you fight for it.  And we did.

But the fight stopped being worth it for us.  And after I heard a General Conference talk that was given in 2013...a talk that made me weep (not tears from feeling the spirit, but of feeling my heart be broken) I decided it was time to stop trying to make this square peg fit into a round hole.  Especially when it was making me so profoundly unhappy.

So it has been a while now.  It hasn't always been easy.  We have lost some friends.  It has been tricky for our families.  There have been a lot of times where we have either felt like outcasts or "projects".  If we lived in Michigan or some other place when we made this decision, it likely wouldn't be as big of a deal.  But not being an active/believing Mormon in Utah...well.

But for anyone out there who is worried about us, here is some good news.  We are doing really well! We're happy.  We're spending more time together as a family.  I feel really lucky that Matt and I have been together on this journey.  I'm so thankful for him and his ability to not just tolerate my questioning...but to encourage it.  All along the way we have given each other all the time and space needed to figure out where we stand and what we want from life spiritually and otherwise.  Going through this together really encouraged communication and openness, and brought us closer together in many ways.  And, it has been a really beautiful experience to learn new things about myself...especially my spiritual self.

I also want to go on record and say a few important things.  First, we are not anti-Mormon.  We love our Mormon families and friends.  We are thankful for our Mormon upbringing, we acknowledge the good parts of Mormonism, and we know that so much of it has shaped who we are today.  Second, we made a choice that was right for us, and our family...and just because we have made this choice doesn't mean that we think other people who choose differently are somehow wrong.  We believe in following your happiness wherever it takes you.

It feels good to write this.  I hope it will feel good to publish it, too.

Lots of Love,

Megan

I Should Be In Bed

What is it about being up late at night, all alone in the quiet house?  I just love it.  I swear I can never get to bed at a decent hour.  And every morning as I'm dragging myself out of bed, I kick myself for staying up late, and swear that tonight I'll go to bed nice and early.

I have too much on my mind tonight.  I load the dishwasher, wipe the counters, and pause for long periods of time...staring at a wall.  Thinking, thinking, thinking.

Thinking about when we'll be able to afford to redo the kitchen.  Thinking about all the anxiety and anger I've been feeling.  Thinking about possibly seeing a therapist.  Thinking about Stella, and whether we should get a new dog, and when.

The lights are low, the dishwasher hums, and I get out the broom to sweep.

And I think about my upcoming trip, and how excited I am, and everything I need to do in preparation.  I think about the friends I don't see or talk to anymore, but miss terribly.  I think about how I would like more friends in my life.

Then I pause from sweeping because Aubrey wakes up and wants a drink.  Then I put her back in bed, and come downstairs to finish.

I sweep and I think about Aubrey.  And I cry.  And I think and I feel so much about that little girl.

I wipe down the stove, I throw away some old things in the refrigerator, and take out the trash.

I come inside, lean up against a counter, and stare.  I think about God.  I think about all the questions and doubts that plague me.  I think about my mom.  I think about my 30th birthday that is coming up.  I think I will pull out the mop, but decide to wait until after the kids have had breakfast in the morning.

I write a love note for Matt to see when he eats breakfast in the morning.

I look around the kitchen and think about how much a person can get done when they have too much on their mind.

Miss Understood

I'm all out of sorts.  Do you ever have days (weeks, months) like that?  Ugh.

Lately I've felt so misunderstood.  Everywhere I go I feel like I don't fit in.  Like the way I think and feel is so different than the way everyone else thinks and feels. 

Socially, I feel like I've lost my groove.  Once upon a time, I used to be the life of the party.  And these days I just feel like sitting in a corner and watching.  Why is it so hard to make new friends?

Not that it really matters.  Most days I would rather sit at home and watch Downton Abbey than go be around people.  Typing that was sad.

At church if I make a comment in Sunday school, it feels like it's going against the grain.  And then when I'm done I sit and wonder...did anyone understand what I was trying to say?

I'm just trying to be myself.  My honest to goodness, truest self.  It feels hard sometimes.

Matt likes me the way I am, is what he says.  He likes that I am a little sassy, a little contrary, a little liberal, and different.  Bless him.

A few weeks ago I sent him a text with this picture...

 Me:  What do we you think of this yellow coat?
Matt:  It's bold, but it's sassy

So naturally, I bought it.

"An island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea"

I have always been really proud of the fact that I am honest in what I write on this blog.  I've said from the beginning that this blog is a form of therapy for me, and that when I wrote I would never sugar coat things.  Not that there is anything wrong with blogs that are full of happiness and good times.  I think people have every right to record whatever they want to record.  But for me, being able to write about the good and the bad has really been a blessing.  I've written about our difficulties with raising a child with special needs, and I've written about the challenges of secondary fertility...as honestly as I could.

And this is another one of those times where I just need a few minutes to share some honest truths.  So here it is.

I am barely getting by.  I feel like I am just trying to keep my head above water most days.  Like I am constantly trying not to drown.  I've dealt with some hard times in my life before...but I can't recall a time that felt so difficult.

For a while I blamed it on hormones.  A case of the "baby blues" that would eventually fade, and leave me feeling content and in control.  Then after a while I thought, maybe this is something more.  Maybe I have post-partum depression.  Maybe I need medication?  But then after thinking about it for a while, that didn't feel right either.

Because the truth is, that medication can't change the fact the my baby is colicky.  That he screams all the time and seems to hate me.  That he hates nursing, never naps, and is still waking up every 2 hours at night.  And medication can't change the fact that I am raising a child with severe intellectual disabilities.  That my five year old cannot speak to me, use the potty, or feed herself a bowl of cereal.  That she has never called me "Mommy".  Medication cannot help the crippling fear I feel when I think about her future.  And how hard that all is.  It is SO HARD.

And medication can't help that we are stuck in this tiny house with no yard, because we can't sell it without taking a HUGE loss.  Or that Aubrey was sick, and then Charlie was super sick, and now I am sick.

And can medication help the fact that at the end of every day I feel like a complete failure?  Because Aubrey watched too much t.v., and Charlie never slept for longer than 20 minutes, and I didn't have dinner on the table or take a shower, or even eat lunch.

I have never heard of a pill that can help with all of that.

And I know that comparrison is a dangerous and toxic road to go down.  But it is so hard to see all these beautiful women all around me who seem to have it all together and then some.  For instance...Matt's sisters.  Joy, especially.  (Joy if you are reading this...I have a mom crush on you!)  Even with her 7 children, she still manages to teach zumba, keep a gorgeous house, get her children to wherever they need to be...and look gorgeous in the process.  And yet, with just my two I am barely hanging on for dear life.

Tonight, I passed off a screaming Charlie to Matt so I could go upstairs and take a bath.  As I was walking up the stairs I tearfully apologized for all my failings.  I felt like such a disappointment.  He said "Megan, it's ok!  I love you!  You are just having a hard time right now."  Then I spent the next 30 minutes wondering if it is just "a hard time right now", or if it would always be so hard.  Will I always be this big of a mess?  And why aren't I turning into the kind of mother that I always envisioned myself being?

I guess what it all boils down to, is that I never thought motherhood would be so hard.  I thought that I was made of stronger stuff.  The kind of stuff that helps you get through things with grace, and dignity, and a little lipstick to boot.  But I guess I just have to hope that wading through all of this muck will eventually turn me into that woman.

But until then, I will get through my days one hour at a time.  And this song will be on repeat.**Skip to the 0:33 mark to avoid the expletive in the voicemail recording.

Crazy Pregnant Lady Late at Night

 

It is 12:20 am and I can't sleep.  Part of it is because I took the most glorious nap this afternoon.  The other part of it is because I am a worrying machine late at night.  Especially lately.

Just now, I attempted to wake Matt up so he could help me clear my mind.  I shook him and shook him and shook him.  He is not easy to wake.  Finally he rolled over and asked what was wrong.  I told him I couldn't stop worrying and I couldn't sleep, and asked him if he could help me stop worrying by talking through some things with me.  He put his arm around me and said "Of course!".  Then he promptly started snoring again.  At least he had good intentions!

But for the past few weeks I have been having ridiculous stress dreams all night long.  Like I am in charge of Thanksgiving dinner, but I never thawed the turkey and I forgot to buy half of the food we would need.  Or, I am in college and it's finals, but I remember that there is a class I haven't been going to for weeks, and how am I gonna pass the final?  Or it's the first day of high school, and I don't know my locker combination or where my classes are.

I knew that if I didn't clear my mind of some of this nonsensical worry, I would have more crazy dreams.  So here is what's on my mind.

I am worrying about Aubrey.  Surprise, surprise.  I am worrying about school, and if she is getting enough attention, and if she is being challenged enough.  I am worrying about whether we should get her additional therapies and if so how are we going to afford it. 

I am worried about how I am ever going to get her fully potty trained, and what are we gonna do when she outgrows size 6 diapers.  I am worried because she is coming down with a cold, and should I take her to her horseback riding lesson tomorrow?  And will I ever feel like I am doing everything I should be doing for her?

I am worrying about being prepared for the baby.  Why can't I find bedding that I like?  When are we gonna get around to painting the nursery?  Should I be buying more stuff?  Where am I gonna put everything?  Should I buy the Hypnobabies cd's or try to borrow them from someone?  Who would I even ask?

I am worried about the pregnancy.  Why is everything happening so fast?  Should my pelvis really be hurting like this already?  And really...isn't it a little early for braxton hicks contractions?  And for the love of Pete...I KNOW my boobs should not already be leaking this much!  (Sorry for the tmi...but seriously. COME. ON.)

*deep breath* So now I think I will lay back down and throw these vibes out to the universe.

Aubrey will be fine.  We will keep working our way through things one day at a time, and she will learn what she needs to learn when she needs to learn it.  We are doing our best.  The baby is fine.  He will have everything he needs.  I will have a magnificent birth experience.  I will be prepared.  I will find someone who will lend me their Hypnobabies materials so I don't have to buy it.  There will be room for everything.  My body knows what it is doing, and I will trust it.  It is working hard, and doing what it should.  And I am so thankful for these things.

And thankfully...I am NOT in charge of Thanksgiving this year:)  Nighty night.

Finding My Way

For the most part, I feel that I (we?) have made peace with Aubrey's challenges/differences.  To us she is just Aubrey.  And we are so used to who she is, and find so much beauty in who she is that we aren't phased by the things that make her different from other children.  We know her, and love her as she is.  But some times, some days, it's as if my heart cracks wide open and out pours all the sadness, pain, and fear that often accompanies the heart of a mother with a special needs child.  And when that happens, it is powerful enough to knock me off my feet.

Sometimes I wonder if that will ever go away completely.  Will there ever come a time when I won't mourn for the opportunities that she misses, or feel pain for the lack of communication?  Will I ever be able to suppress the crippling anxiety I have when I think too hard about her future?  I don't want to have these days of intense pain.  Even though they don't happen often...I wish they would never happen at all.

But through it all, Aubrey remains the same bright beam of sunshine that she has always been.  That is how I always find my way out of the darkness.

Walking Shadows

Today, I had had enough.  Aubrey had been screeching at me all day.  It's her new "thing".  Whenever she dislikes something, doesn't want to do something, needs help with something, or is generally irritated by anything...she screeches.  I try to set a good example by quietly responding with "Please don't yell at me, Aubrey.  Say you are sorry."  So she will sign that she is sorry.  Then five minutes later she will screech at me about something else.  Eventually she will get a time out, because I can only respond pleasantly so many times before I get mad.

So, this afternoon I decided we had to get out of the house.  The sun was shining, so we got all bundled up and took Stella for a walk.  And from Aubrey's reaction you would think she had never set foot outside in her entire life.  Girl was in heaven.

So we walked and walked.  All the while Aubs was laughing and giggling and making all sorts of noises that didn't involve screeching.  Bliss.  Then after a while I decided we should turn to make the circle back home.  I figured if we walked too long and Aubrey got tired she would want to be carried all the way home...which is pretty impossible considering that she is ridiculously tall and I had Stella on a leash (who, by the way, also acted like she had never been outside before in her life.)

But as soon as I started turning, Aubrey thew the most epic tantrum of her life.  I'm talking, throw herself on the ground, screaming bloody murder, snot running down her face, sort of tantrum.  And, did I mention that we were out at the same time the elementary school was getting out?  So all the moms who were waiting outside to pick up their kids got to witness the joy of this horrific tantrum.

So I decided we would keep walking North for a while.  She clearly wasn't done with the walk.  But each time I tried to turn it was the same thing.  I couldn't figure out what she was so upset about.  I tried asking her if she wanted to walk to the park, to the church, etc.  But she was only happy when we were walking North.  Finally, I bit the bullet and said we had to turn around and go back home.  So I started heading South.  Again with the screaming.

(I promise this is going somewhere)

On the way back home we stopped momentarily so Stella could do her "business".  While we were stopped I watched Aubrey.  She turned to face North again.  I thought she would walk away, but she didn't.  She just faced North.  And then she lifted up her arms and started laughing.  Then she would bend down and touch the ground right in front of her, then hop up and start laughing.  Then I got it.

She was playing with her shadow.

So, all along she had been watching our shadows as we walked north.  But whenever we turned she couldn't see the shadows anymore, and it wasn't as fun to walk anymore!  So we stayed put for a while.  I sat down on a big rock, and watched her play with her shadow some more.  She waved at it, and bounced her arms up and down.  She tried to grab it, and laughed each time she couldn't get to it.  I tried to explain what a shadow is...but she didn't care.  To her, it was the coolest thing in the world.

I had so many wishes in that moment.  I wished that she could have told me all along that what she wanted was to see her shadow.  I wished that we could have avoided all the tantrums.  I wished that we could have a conversation about it.  I wished that I didn't have to live such a huge portion of my life in constant state of guessing.

But most of all, I wished that I could just learn how to listen to Aubrey the way that she needs me too.  To listen "Aubrey Style".  By taking a few moments to stop, and look, and pay attention to the details.  To observe, and fully open my heart and my mind to what I see, rather than what I perceive.  To take all the small pieces and put them together, forming the words that she can't speak physically...but still needs me to hear.

It is such a counter-intuitive way of communicating.  And it is just so dang hard.  That's all.

The Post I Tried Not to Write

When I got the results of my blood test that said I had ovulated this month...well, I knew I was pregnant.  How could I not be?  And when the day came to take a pregnancy test, I knew that this would be the month.  After all, my boobs were hurting like crazy, and is it just me or are they bigger?  I had broken out with a million zits, and I was peeing constantly.  This was it.  This month there would finally be two pink lines on that pregnancy test.  Two lines that would prove I'm not really broken after all.  Two lines that would end this dreadful secondary infertility and deliver the promise of new life.

But there was only one line.  And you know what they say.  One is the loneliest number.

And really, what else is there to say?  I know what people want me to say.  I should say, I know it's only the first round of clomid, it may take a little longer.  Don't worry, we'll try again next month.  Lots of people struggle with infertility.  It takes some people several years.  I know, I know, I know!

But maybe you don't know.  Maybe you don't know, that every time I see that single solitary line on that damn pregnancy test, my heart breaks a little.  And maybe you don't know what it's like to be so consumed by this desire that it is the first thing you think of in the morning and the last thing you think of when you close your eyes at night.  Maybe you don't know what it feels like when 5 of your friends announce their pregnancies the same week you start your period.  Maybe you don't know what it's like to be a salve to the calendar.  Or a slave to those little pink lines

But I know.  And I am just sad.

Rambling Through Writers Block

I have really been struggling to write anything lately.  I don't know what is wrong with me.  I want to write.  There are things to write about.  But every time I sit down at the computer to write something, I just can't.  Nothing comes.  Maybe I've grown disenchanted with blogging?  Maybe I need a boost in creativity?  I don't know.  But this is what happened tonight.  Matt is out of town, so I had a friend over to watch a movie and hang out for a while.  After she left I knew I wasn't going to sleep well anyway, so I thought "I'll just stay up late and write a blog post."

And I here I sit.  With nothing to write, other than the fact that there is nothing to write about.

Is this getting redundant?  Well, here are some random tidbits thrown together with no amount of creativity or cohesiveness.  You have been warned.

-I had a job interview a couple of weeks ago.  Not because I have to go back to work or necessarily want to go back to work.  But mostly because I miss being a social worker.  And I thought it would be fun.  So I went and it went really well.  But I didn't want to job.  Because there was no direct client interaction.  And that is the best part of being a social worker.  A person doesn't become a social worker so they can sit in an office all day talking on the phone and doing paperwork.  Lame.  But someday.  Someday I will go back, even if it's just part time.  Because I am passionate about social work.  But I kinda wanna get my Master's degree first.  How cool would that be?

-Aubrey is doing really well.  She loves preschool, and seems to be blossoming there.  Her new favorite thing to do is look at picture books, and point at every little picture while I tell her what it is.  She would do this for hours.  It may not seem like a big deal, but this is the first time that Aubrey has ever actually pointed at something consistently with only her pointer finger.  It is a really big cognitive step, as well as a fine motor step.  I am proud of her.  She has also been going #2 in the potty!  She is not anywhere near being completely potty trained, but progress is progress.  She still is not speaking any words or making any new sounds, but she has picked up a few new signs.  Her receptive language (what she understands) is growing by leaps and bounds every day.  It blows us away how much she understands of what we say.  And it makes life a little easier.

-I rarely get sad about Aubrey's challenges anymore.  And for the most part I am able to brush aside my worries and focus on the present.  But last Sunday was a really hard day for me.  We had our ward Primary Program in church, where all the kids get up during our service to sing songs and recite little things.  Aubrey was completely enthralled.  She responds so well to music and to other children.  She was paying very close attention.  I, on the other hand, was choking back tears throughout the whole meeting.  It was so beautiful.  But my heart broke a little.  I so badly want to see Aubrey up there someday, singing her heart out and speaking of Jesus in the microphone.  And I was jealous of all the parents and grand parents that got to watch with pride as their child(ren) took their turn.  It was just hard is all.

-I love my husband. A lot.  And he is good to me.

-I am loving fall.  We have started putting out our Autumn decorations, and it makes me happy.  Also, Aubrey is going to be a cat for Halloween.  A leopard to be exact.

-Just so you know...I just had to spell check leopard.

And that is my cue to go to bed. Nighty night.

Stagnant

 -adjective

1. not flowing or running, as water, air, etc.

2. stale or foul from standing, as a pool of water.

3. characterized by lack of development, advancement, or progressive movement: a stagnant economy.

4. inactive, sluggish, or dull.

If I could chose one word to describe life right now it would be stagnant.

For all the complaining people do about change and how difficult it is, there is something to be said for shaking up life a bit.  Sometimes change is good and welcome.  And we are craving that good kind of change in our house.  Like an addition to the family, or a talking Aubrey, or a job promotion, or a new favorite hobby, or a second degree.

And the craving for change is palpable.  Our mouths water for it.  We walk around our house with the smallest hint of change on our tongues, like the memory of a spice we once tasted.  We wait and we wonder what to do next.  Will change come?  When?  What form will it take?

I think the answer lies within ourselves.  It is time to stop waiting for the change to come to us, and start making it happen.

Yes.  It's time.

Why Am I Not Blogging?

 (Stella likes to sit on Aubrey's lap when we are on car rides)

I don't know, really.

Probably because we got Netflix instant streaming, so I have been spending Aubrey's nap time and my evenings watching things like Whuthering Heights, Jane Eyre, North & South, The Way We Were, and a documentary about the Russian Ballet.

We haven't had cable for two years...so all of this instant access to fabulous movies has been quite exciting.  Hopefully the excitement will die down soon and I can stop wasting so much time watching Masterpiece Classics and old Barbara Streisand films.

Otherwise things are fine.  Aubrey is still doing well with her potty training.  She got all caught up on her immunizations today, so now all we need to do to get ready to go back to preschool is shop for clothes.  My favorite.  Maybe we will take a trip up to the outlet mall in Park City!

On Saturday we spent the day up American Fork Canyon, and it made me really excited for autumn.  That canyon is never more beautiful than it is mid-september or early October.  Matt and I also went to a Real game, and to the movie Salt.  I have a girl crush on Angelina.

In other news, my love/hate relationship with Stella is in a cycle of love right now.  Two weeks ago when she was crapping all over my kitchen, it was in the hate cycle.  But now she is better, and so cute and so much calmer (FINALLY) than she has been.  Tonight I kissed her before I went to bed, and told her how much I love her.  Just as long as she doesn't have diarrhea on my tile floor.

Also, Matt has decided that in an effort to save money on groceries he is going to start using Dave Ramsey's e-mealz thingy.  So, he is pretty much taking over all of the meal planning and grocery shopping...and all I have to do is make the meals.  Seriously.  And it was his idea.  Am I a kept woman or what?

Also, what if I decided I wanted to go back to school?  Would that be crazy?

Because What Else Can I Do?

Dear Momma,

I heard you were trying to work on your patience.  That's why I decided to wake up for good at 4 am.  Just trying to help...have a great day!

Sloppy Kisses,

Aubs


Dear Aubrey,

Don't do this ever again.  I don't need any more help working on my patience.

Love,
Momma

P.S.  Daddy is coming to take out your lightbulbs, books, and fan.  I will see you at 7:30 and no sooner.


Dear Prison Warden,

You suck, and I want my books back.  I will see you at 7:30 with one gigantic poop.

Your Best Inmate,
Aubs

Dear Internets,

It was a good day.  Emphasis on "was".

Aubrey went to school, and had a great time.  I fixed the kitchen faucet, by myself.  I cleaned and mopped.  Matt got home early and we rode our bikes around the lake and played for a long time at the park.  I fixed a fabulous meal that was enjoyed by all.

But.

But now it is 10:23 and Aubrey is still awake.  We have been at this since 8:00.  She won't go to sleep.  She won't stay in her bed.  She won't quit pulling the shades back to look outside (even though it is completely dark).  She has been a rotten stinker at bedtime for weeks.  We are at our wits end.

So then Matt and I argue because we have different ideas about what needs to be done.  Let me tell you something, Internet.  Arguing with your partner when tensions are already high?  Not a good idea.  Because it turns out that you both are already mad about something that has nothing to do with each other.

Also, you are partners.  Use your power for good and not evil.  I'm just saying.

Also, Stella is driving us crazy.  I love her and all...but is it time for her to stop being a puppy already?  Please?  She is being naughty, and spoiled, and we have no clue what we are doing.  We are fools.

Somebody please tell me something good.  Like, Aubrey won't sleep because she is about to start talking and she's just too excited.  Or, you want to adopt Stella from us.  Oh, you are a dog whisperer and you want to train our dog for free?  MARVELOUS!  What?  We just won a brand new laptop?  EVEN BETTER!

Thanks, Internets.  You always come through for us.

Dream

You know, there are a lot of things said about "Motherhood".  Heaven knows I've said it all.  How hard it is, how tiring it is, how the work never ends.  But maybe one thing that isn't said (or felt) enough, is just how fun it is.  But I have been feeling it lately.  Boy have I.

For a few weeks I was in a real "funk".  For whatever reason I was just feeling like the world was conspiring against me.  Our car broke down, then our washing machine flooded our laundry room, our brand new lap-top (still in the box) was stolen from our car before we even got it home from Best Buy, the car that was broken into had to be repaired, and the week ended with the monthly reminder that I am still not pregnant.  Nope, just chubby.  Most of all, I just felt like an isolated stay at home mom without a life, or any dreams to speak of.

Matt, being the kind man that he is, helped me get out of my funk.  Helped me remember just how blessed I am as a woman, and how collectively blessed we are as a family.  I swear he has a sixth sense.  A "my wife is starting to spiral into a black hole of self-pity" sense.  That's when he swoops in and saves the day, so to speak.  Thank goodness.

So, you could say that I started the weekend with fresh eyes.  And that is when the fun began.  We laughed and played with Aubrey.  We watched (really watched) her, and marveled at all that she does and understands.  We visited Ikea for meatballs and chocolate cake.  We had dear friends over for dinner, we visited family, we kept Aubrey up SO late because she was just so happy and "Who cares about bedtime!"

And so the week has carried on with fun.  Fun in the little things.  Like sidewalk chalk, and library books, and playing ring around the rosie.  Fun like doing a blanket toss every night after dinner, or watching Aubrey feed herself applesauce, or giggle at something silly Daddy does.

And, more than once the spirit has born witness to me that my dreams are coming true.  Maybe not the fancy dreams I dream for myself when it's been a long day and I can't go to sleep.  But the real dream.  That dream deep down in my soul...the substance.  This sacred little home, and this precious little family.  The slobbery kisses, the dinner time giggles, and the loving embrace of my soul mate.  That dream is appointed.

And it's coming true.

2:21 am

Aubrey is awake.  She has been awake since 11:30 pm. When I turned my lamp off and closed my eyes she woke up.  Why?  No one knows.  She has been incapable of going back to sleep.  She won't stay in her bed.  Why?  She didn't poop, she doesn't have a fever, her cold is gone, she isn't cold and she isn't hot.  I wish she could just tell me why.  I am at the end of my rope.  When your child is 3 they should be able to say they had a bad dream, or they don't feel good, or they're scared, or ANYTHING which would make a parent a little more understanding at 2:21 in the morning when they haven't been to sleep yet.

I would give my left foot to know what goes on in that head of hers.

Breakthrough

(Photo taken the day we brought Stella home)

-We have only lived in this house for a little over a year...and we really like it. Yet I find myself looking for houses online almost every day.

-In May we bought a puppy with only one days consideration.

-I check for part-time jobs on craigslist at least weekly.

-I have been considering coloring my hair for the first time in my life...

Why do I do these things? Today I had a breakthrough.

My life, for the most part, is the same day in and day out...with slight variations. But I keep looking for change. The real change I am looking for is in the form of a child who stops screeching and starts speaking. A child who learns to go potty on the toilet, enjoys playing with toys, and stops drooling through three shirts a day, for crying out loud. The change I seek is for the ability to take my daughter to the children's museum and watch her play and explore and learn. Or for play dates where the other kids aren't scared of Aubrey. To hear my child call me Momma.

But I can't change those things. I just can't. So instead I call realtors about houses we have no intention of buying, I write resumes for jobs I will never really apply for, I plan vacations we won't take for ten years, and I dream of being a brunette.

Because sometimes it's nice to feel like I have control over something. Even if it's just an illusion.

In Between

(an old photo, but so so delicious)

We're kind of in an awkward phase with Aubrey these days. You see, so much has changed since this little girl started walking. She is more independent, curious, feisty, and confident. But there are still some things that she isn't good at. For instance, paying attention to where she is going. Walking is all about exploration for Aubrey right now. She just wants to get from one interesting thing to another, without paying too much attention to the path she takes. And even though she is more and more steady on her feet everyday, she still needs a close eye on her.

It's hard because even though Aubrey is 2 and a half, her overall developmental age is right around 12 months. What makes it even more challenging is the fact that Aubrey is big for her age, so she looks like she is about 3.

I'm having trouble making decisions like having her sit at the table in a booster seat rather than her high chair (which she is outgrowing), even though she still hasn't figured out how to feed herself with a spoon. Or switching her from her crib , which she has pulled herself out of a few times (with very scary landings), and into a toddler bed even though she still rolls around like crazy while she sleeps. What about picking out clothes to wear for pictures, knowing they will be soaked with drool five minutes after she gets them on. And really, when will potty training even be an option?

This is all very tricky...figuring out how to teach Aubrey more age appropriate behavior when she still has so much to figure out. We are so thankful that she is walking, and has gained so much Independence. But is had also made us eager to move on to the next stage. She is a toddler now, and we want to start treating her like one. We have to walk a fine line between pushing her to try harder and do new things, while still respecting the fact that she has a long way to go developmentally before she will be caught up with her peers. We want to challenge her, but we also don't want her to feel too much pressure.

Sometimes I can't believe that I'm the mom. I'm expected to figure this all out? When did that happen?

Too Late For A Title

So, I went to a movie with my girlfriend tonight (by the way, you should see The Proposal...it is hilarious!). I drank too much Diet Coke too late in the day (I vaguely recall giving up soda a week ago, oops) and now I cannot sleep (or write without using parenthesis, apparently). So I was just looking through our photos and decided to edit a few of them just for fun. In the above photo I edited myself right out and made it black and white. Then I stared at it for 5 minutes because I love it so much. Beauties, I tell you what.

Do They Make Pills For This?

Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

Do you think Einstein knew any mothers?

Well, I think that I must be insane. Today Aubrey had therapy...yet again. Right now we are really trying to work on her attention span. Aubrey moves from one thing to another after about 30 seconds...unless it is something she is fixated on like a cell phone, the door knobs, or some other really random but interesting (to her) object. Her short attention span really makes therapy impossible. How can she learn anything if she won't stick with it for longer than a few seconds? How will she ever go to school? Ugh...I can't even go down the path that those questions lead me.

So back to today. We've been working for about 30 minutes or so, Aubrey is throwing another tantrum. The therapist is manipulating her hands for her...forcing her to use a toy hammer and pound a block through a hole. "Come on, just three more Aubrey! You can do it!" Aubrey is fighting. Wiggling out of her arms, crying, not even trying in the slightest, and not even looking at the toy.

And I went out of my mind a little bit. I completely stopped paying attention to what was going on, and I retreated into my thoughts. It went something like this. "This is just stupid. Why am I doing this. We do the same things over and over again and nothing changes. Then we try new things and nothing changes. I have therapists in my house all the time, and it is making my life and Aubrey's life hell. And those new signs she learned? She learned them from a damn video. I can't do this anymore."

Of course I didn't say any of this to the therapist, but I think she caught on when I left the room for a few minutes.

I know that Aubrey needs these therapies, and in the long run we both benefit from it. But I am tired. Tired of these people coming into my home and making my child cry. Tired of them giving us homework all the time. I'm tired of the guilt I feel when I can't do an hour of PT, OT, and ST with my child everyday because I want to do the dishes, fold the laundry, go grocery shopping, or I don't know...play!

And it sucks knowing that we will never take a break from these therapies. Because when you're a mom you do hard things, and you don't give up. No matter how insane you feel.

**********
I hesitated posting this, because I realize how negative it sounds. And Aubrey is doing really well right now, and making some good progress. We are thankful for the therapists and other specialists who have been such a help to us. It's just that sometimes we wish we could ignore the reality and just let Aubrey be Aubrey.

Looking For My Cheese

Recently Matt attended a training seminar for work where they were required to read the book "Who Moved My Cheese", a book commonly used in companies to teach their employees how to deal with change. Basically it is an allegory about some mice who are in a maze looking for their cheese, which has been moved. It shows the different ways the mice deal with the cheese being gone. One just complains about the cheese being gone, one gets angry because it feels entitled to it's cheese, etc. It's a pretty cheesy book (pun intended), but in the context of the business world it makes a lot of sense...especially when you replace the cheese with money.

It is relevant on so many levels. We all have cheese (something we want in life), and at some point or another our cheese moves, or disappears, or is lost for a while. Tonight as I was conversing with Matt about our challenges with Aubrey and how hard it is to let go of my vision of what I thought our family would look like, he reminded me that my cheese has moved and I need to figure out what I want to do about it. Do I wait for my cheese to just magically reappear? Do I whine because I feel entitled to my cheese? Do I just expect to never have my cheese? Do I go out and search for new cheese...better cheese?

I love my life, and I love my family. But I am constantly reconciling myself to the unexpected challenges that we have faced over the years, and the challenges I know lie ahead. Sometimes it feels as if my cheese is continually being moved, and I am having a hard time finding it. So if you see me and I am looking a little lost, it's just because I am looking for some new cheese.

Ugh. I'm suddenly feeling lactose intolerant.