A Different Road

I think it's time to interrupt this long blog hiatus to write a post I've been stewing and thinking on for quite a long time.

I think that there are a few different reasons why I've had a hard time sticking with blogging.  Some of it has to do with using different social media platforms to share bits of my life.  Some of it has to do with being distracted by other things.  But I think one of the biggest reasons that I don't really blog anymore is because this blog has always been a place where I come and share my life in a very open and honest way.  Writing honestly was always the most rewarding aspect of blogging for me.  I knew that this was a place where I could come and tell my truth.

But the truth is that there have been some big changes in my life and our life as a family that I just haven't felt safe sharing here.  I have been scared, not because they are bad changes...they are good changes for me/us...but because I know MANY of my friends and some family will see it as bad.  However, lately I've been feeling this bone deep desire to live my life as authentically as I can.  And for me that means not allowing the fear of what others will think about me and my decisions to dictate the choices I make, or how I live my life.  It means not hiding, or pretending that I am something that I'm not.

So, the big thing I am referring to is...that we have left the LDS church (or Mormon church for my few non-LDS readers).  When I say "left", I don't mean that we have removed our names from the records of the church, or that we have been excommunicated.  I simply mean that we are no longer believing members, and we no longer attend.  I have not attended for well over a year.  It has been almost a year for Matt.

I'm not going to get into all of the details or specific reasons why we left the church.  But, because Mormons tend to make a lot of assumptions about those who leave the church (I know...because I used to do it too!) I will clarify a few things.  We did not leave the church because we were offended by someone.  We did not leave the church because we didn't have enough faith/didn't read scriptures/didn't pray/didn't try hard enough.  We did not leave the church because we just wanted to "sin".

The most honest and simple thing I can say is that we left because we don't believe it anymore.  Over time and because of some experiences we've gone through, we really began to question certain doctrine and church policies.  So we studied and we prayed, and we kept going.  And we studied more, and prayed more, and kept going.  And then we came to a point where belief in much of what is taught was gone entirely.  But we kept going, holding out hope that we could find a middle way.

But the middle way isn't easy to come by.  Especially here is Utah.  The time when we were really trying to find a middle way...to make it work and stick it out despite our change in beliefs, was a really difficult time.  It was just painful.  But Matt and I have both been members for our entire lives.  Our parents are.  Many of our siblings are.  And when it's all you've ever known, you fight for it.  And we did.

But the fight stopped being worth it for us.  And after I heard a General Conference talk that was given in 2013...a talk that made me weep (not tears from feeling the spirit, but of feeling my heart be broken) I decided it was time to stop trying to make this square peg fit into a round hole.  Especially when it was making me so profoundly unhappy.

So it has been a while now.  It hasn't always been easy.  We have lost some friends.  It has been tricky for our families.  There have been a lot of times where we have either felt like outcasts or "projects".  If we lived in Michigan or some other place when we made this decision, it likely wouldn't be as big of a deal.  But not being an active/believing Mormon in Utah...well.

But for anyone out there who is worried about us, here is some good news.  We are doing really well! We're happy.  We're spending more time together as a family.  I feel really lucky that Matt and I have been together on this journey.  I'm so thankful for him and his ability to not just tolerate my questioning...but to encourage it.  All along the way we have given each other all the time and space needed to figure out where we stand and what we want from life spiritually and otherwise.  Going through this together really encouraged communication and openness, and brought us closer together in many ways.  And, it has been a really beautiful experience to learn new things about myself...especially my spiritual self.

I also want to go on record and say a few important things.  First, we are not anti-Mormon.  We love our Mormon families and friends.  We are thankful for our Mormon upbringing, we acknowledge the good parts of Mormonism, and we know that so much of it has shaped who we are today.  Second, we made a choice that was right for us, and our family...and just because we have made this choice doesn't mean that we think other people who choose differently are somehow wrong.  We believe in following your happiness wherever it takes you.

It feels good to write this.  I hope it will feel good to publish it, too.

Lots of Love,

Megan

Mothers and Daughters

I know, I know.  I haven't blogged in FOREVER.  I just wasn't in the mood for a while.  And then it became one of those things.  You know.  Like, the longer you wait to do it, the harder it becomes.  But I'm here!

Well, one of the things that has brought me back to the blogging scene, is a recent trip I took to Ohio.  It was really special, and I know if I don't write about it now while it's fresh on my mind...I will regret it.

Ohio might seem like a kind of random place to go on a trip, but that is where both of my parents are from, and where some of my Grandparents live.  Back in December, after talking to my Grandma (my mom's mom) on the phone at Christmas, I had this really strong feeling/desire to go and visit her.  My mom had a trip planned to see her in April, so I decided to go with her.  And I am so glad I did.

I am ashamed to admit how long it had been since I last saw my grandma...but needless to say, it was too long.  I was there Thursday through Sunday, but my mom stayed a few days longer.  Mostly we spent our time visiting, and helping Grandma with some things.  We ran errands to the grocery store, did some cleaning that is too hard for my Grandma to get to, and my mom spent some time helping Grandma get some things in order for the future.  And we ate way too much.

But most of all, we talked.  And talked and talked.  My Grandma is getting old, and is having a harder and harder time getting around.  But her mind is as sharp as a nail.  She told me stories about my late Grandpa, and my aunt (who passed away when I was 10 or 11).  We talked a lot about her childhood, adolescence, and early years of marriage.  She told me so many stories.  And we laughed.  Oh boy did we laugh.  We cried a little too.

One of the most special aspects of this visit, was being with my mother...and watching her be with her mother.  I watched how my mother cared for my Grandma, with complete devotion and patience.  My mother is my Grandma's only living child, and she bares a great responsibility.  And she bares it with grace and fortitude.  She is pretty much my hero.

More than once during our visit, my thoughts were turned to "the circle" of life.  I thought about how, as mothers...we give so much of ourselves to our children.  We devote our lives to caring for them, teaching them, helping them to be healthy and happy.  And it is hard.  So hard.  But we do it, because we want to do it.  Because our Mother hearts tell us to do it.  But someday, the children will return the favor.  The children will make the sacrifices, make hard decisions, and give back a portion of what they were given.  Our mothers bring us into this world, and we help ease the pain as their time in this world comes to an end.

My Grandma did it for her mother.  My mother is doing it for my Grandma.  Someday, I will do it for my mother.  And if I am lucky, someday one of my children will do it for me.

I am so very thankful for the strong women in my life.

Words For 2011

 I have had so many thoughts and feelings come to me as I have contemplated all that I want to work on for the new year.  I sat down and wrote some specific goals in my journal that I want to work towards over the next year, and I have already started working on them.  It feels good.  What I want to share here, are the philosophies behind my goals.  The insight that gave birth to my specific resolutions, if you will.


Surrender and Live
One of the things I've become aware of lately, is how little living I did in 2010.  Of course I did the usual things...mothering Aubrey, keeping my home together, loving my husband, fulfilling my church responsibilities.  And of course those things count as living.  But not entirely.  You see, I was so focused on getting pregnant, that I didn't make any plans.  I never took any risks, tried new things, or worked towards anything.  Other than pregnancy.  My sight was so set on that one thing, that everything else fell by the wayside.  And when that didn't work out, I ended my year wondering what on Earth I had accomplished.  But not anymore.  I have made peace with my miscarriage.  I have surrendered to the knowledge that I cannot control some things.  And I am moving on.  This year, I will never say no to something "because what if I'm pregnant?"  I will make plans, and do new things, and enjoy my life.  Of course, I will still hope for the gift of another child.  But I will not anticipate it.  I will not wait for it.  And my happiness will not depend upon it.

Be Kind To My Body
You could say that I let myself go a little this year.  But after some thorny introspection, I have learned a few things.  The first, is that I stopped caring about myself.  As month after month passed without the joy of a pregnancy, I began to hate myself a little more, and a little more.  I punished my body for "failing" me.  I dealt with my anger, frustration, fear, sadness, and uncertainty by treating myself to food.  Where I used to exercise after a stressful day with Aubrey, I began escaping into television shows or movies instead.  I gained weight, but I didn't care.  My clothes started getting tight, but I didn't care.  I got lazy, but I didn't care.  I was consumed.  I didn't have it in me to care.  But with the gentle promptings of my Heavenly Father, I have remembered that my body is a gift.  Something to be cherished a loved.  So, I will be kind to my body.  I will treat it well, and take care of it, and make it what it should be.  I will do it because of love.


All Is Well
For Christmas Matt got me this beautiful necklace.  I adore it.  The words "All Is Well" have become my new motto.  Because really, all is well.  If I died tomorrow, I would be perfectly satisfied with the life I have had to this point.  If nothing ever changed for the rest of my life, and everything remained as it is now, I would still consider myself blessed beyond measure.  Because I am married to a man who is my best friend, and my lover.  I have the most precious daughter I could ever hope for.  I have knowledge of things spiritually, and temporally.  Is life hard?  Absolutely.  Are there trials?  Always.  But the hardships, and challenges are not all that this life is made of.  That is only a part of it.  In the bigger picture, there is so much more.  I will remember, that in this life I have right now, all is well.


Here is to making 2011, a truly spectacular year.

Mother Heart

When Aubrey was about 2 weeks old Matt went out of town for a week for a school project.  My mom came and stayed with me while he was gone, because at the time, being alone with a newborn for a week scared the crap out of me.  While she was there we decided to take a little trip to the mall.  I had some things I needed to return, and we thought it would be a nice way to spend some time out of the house.  But not long after we got there something very strange happened to me.  

I totally wigged out.

Everywhere we went all I could hear was blaring music, and all I could see was germy people, and ultra bright lights.  And all I wanted to do was get my precious new baby out of that place and back into her home.  I started to cry a little (can we say HORMONES?) and told my mom that I couldn't do it.  I needed to go home.  She understood, reassuring me that it was too soon...and someday I would feel normal again.

You could call it post par-tum anxiety, you could blame it on hormones, or you could call me a helicopter mom.  But I have since learned better.

I can vividly remember walking back into our then tiny apartment, and feeling immediate peace.  It was quiet, and clean, and there seemed to be a soft glow...some sort of intangible tenderness the lingered for weeks after Aubrey arrived.  I let it envelope me.

During that week I talked with my mom at length about my feelings as a new mother...expressing numerous times that I felt like a helping of bliss and a serving of crazy were thrown into a ziplock bag, shook around for several minutes, and called Motherhood.  The bliss came from cuddling, nursing, sniffing, and getting to know Aubrey.  The "crazy" came from a staggering, almost crippling protectiveness that I felt about my new baby.  It surged out of me with full force from the moment I laid eyes on her in the delivery room.  It was powerful and unexpected.

My mom, in all her wisdom taught me that this particular brand of "crazy" wasn't really "crazy" (although it was not helped by my raging hormones).  It was simply my developing Mother Heart.  She explained that those feelings are a gift to mothers.  They help us feel bonded to our children, and provide an immediate protection for our young...just like wild animals, and that over time I would feel more in control of my emotions.

And of course, she was right.

The reason I bring this up again, is that 3 1/2 years later I am still learning to understand my Mother Heart.  Of course it is different now.  We go to all different kinds of places and see all different kinds of people, and thankfully I don't start crying in the middle of American Eagle anymore.  But the protectiveness?  The desire the shield Aubrey from suffering?  The urge to keep her close to me?  Those feelings still exist, to an extent.  As I am sure they always will.

I put Aubrey on the bus to preschool this morning.  Then I walked inside, and spent the next fifteen minutes trying to swallow the lump in my throat.  I got down on my knees and asked my Heavenly Father to help my Mother Heart.  To let me let go when I need to, and to hold on when my grasp needs to be tighter.

This afternoon, after Aubrey was home again, we snuggled up together on my bed.  I had just finished folding the clean clothes, we were listening to soft music, and the curtains were flowing in the breeze.  Aubrey laid her head on my chest.  And I felt a soft glow.  Some sort of intangible tenderness that lingered in the room.

And I thanked God for my Mother Heart.

3 Years of Motherhood

June 30th 2006
It is a Friday afternoon.  I have one more home visit to do before I leave work for the day.  I am one day late, and hoping that I am pregnant.  But, certain that I'm not, I decide I will wait a few days before I take a test.  Then, as I am driving past my doctor's office, I change my mind.  I quickly call my client and say I am running late.  I pull into the parking lot, rush inside, and ask for a pregnancy test.  I pee in a cup, then sit in the waiting room for the results.  I offer a silent prayer.  "Heavenly Father, I'll understand if it doesn't happen right away...but please let me get pregnant soon."  The nurse comes out with a big smile on her face.  I am pregnant.  She helps me determine my due date, I schedule an OB appointment, and off I go to my home visit...with tears of joy and gratitude in my eyes.

January 2007 
I am gigantic, and still have over a month to go until my due date.  I am carrying a really big baby, and I also have more amniotic fluid than normal.  I experience daily braxton hicks contractions, and am getting weekly non-stress tests.  I am miserable and depressed and know that I will be pregnant forever.  I ask Matt to give me a priesthood blessing, and he does.  What I hope will be a blessing of comfort turns out to be more of a blessing of warning.  Things will not be easy, he says.  There are trials ahead, he says.  Take care of yourself so you will have the strength you need to care for your child, he says.  Then a promise.  Stay close to the spirit, pray, remain faithful, and you will be blessed.

March 2007 
Aubrey Mae is born.  10 lbs and  13 oz of perfection sent straight from heaven.  Matt and I are instantly in love with her.  My days are spent on the couch nursing, cuddling, watching reruns of The Gilmore Girls.  I have never been happier.

August 2007
Aubrey is 5 months old, and still not holding up her head.  Our pediatrician has referred us to a physical therapist.  We take her to the therapist who examines her.  The next evening, around 5:00 pm I check my cell phone and see that I have missed a call from my pediatrician's office.  He left me a voice mail.  He says that after speaking with the therapist and reviewing the evaluation he is concerned.  He says Aubrey may have a rare disease that affects her muscles.  He says it may be neurological.  He gives me his direct number and asks me to call him.  I call him and he tells me his concerns...namely hypotonia.  He refers me to a neurologist, physical therapists, and early intervention.  Matt is not home from work yet.  Aubrey is napping.  I sit down on the kitchen floor, alone, and weep.

November 2007 
Matt and I are getting ready to go out on a date, when I decide to check the mail.  I notice a letter from our insurance company.  After reviewing our medical records they have found (ridiculous) cause to terminate our coverage, and refuse to pay for the previous 3 months of Aubrey's therapy and neurological testing...leaving us with thousands of dollars of unpaid medical bills, not to mention, no earthly way to pay for all of her future treatments and testing.  I have an anxiety attack of magnificent proportions.

January 28, 2008
We take Aubrey to the children's hospital for a sedated MRI (thank you very much Medicaid).  After the MRI, she is sleeping off the sedation.  Matt leaves to find some food, and I am alone with Aubrey, watching her in the hospital crib.  I have an "out of body" experience, in which I am able to look down at the scene from above.  I see myself sitting in a hopsital room, with my baby in a metal crib...asleep because of drugs.  This is the moment that I leave the stage of denial, and move on to pain.

May 2008
At 14 months old, Aubrey has just begun sitting up on her own.  We are simultaneously thrilled with her progress, and nervous about how much therapy and time will be required to get her crawling and walking.
 

May 2009
Aubrey is working really hard on walking, but isn't quite there.  I want another baby so bad I can barely see straight, but the answer to our prayers is always the same...not yet.  So instead we get a puppy.  Stella saves the day.


August 2009 
Aubrey really starts walking for real, and a whole new world opens up before us.  The possibilities seem endless.  All feels right with the world.  We are so so happy.

December 2009 
I have an emotional breakdown at a family Christmas party.  Aubrey's cousins are busy with grandma's gift exchange and decorating gingerbread men.  All Aubrey wants to do is take cans and ziplock bags out of Grandma's drawers.  I ache so badly for her to be a part of the festivities, and care about things like cousin gifts and cookies.  The hurt is real, my emotions are raw, and we leave early because it's just too hard.  I'm embarrassed and sad and discouraged.  This is the beginning of a really dark time for me.

March 2010 
Aubrey has her first day of preschool.  I am really excited.  I am proud of my big girl, and looking forward to 2 hours of time to myself.  I drop her off, and before I'm even out of the parking lot there are tears streaming down my face.  What if she gets hurt?  What if the kids are mean to her?  What if she wanders out of the classroom when her teacher isn't looking?  But none of those things happen, and I am so proud of her.

 May 7th, 2010
It is a really hard day.  Aubrey is whining, whining, whining.  I don't know what she wants.  I am sick of the constant screeching.  I want her to leave me alone for five minutes and play peacefully by herself.  I lose my temper and yell.  I tell her she needs to try harder to tell me with words or signs.  I tell her I can't read her mind (even though sometimes I can).  I tell her that I refuse to be her personal interpreter for the rest of her life (even though that isn't true).  I lock myself in my room, while she lays outside the door screaming.

Last night 
I wake to loud thump.  Aubrey has fallen out of her bed.  I go into her room, get her back in bed, and lay down beside her.  I rub her hair, and put my nose in her neck.  I close my eyes and offer up a silent prayer.  "Heavenly Father, I'll understand if it doesn't happen right away...but please let me have another one soon." 

Something Hard

(Photo: Big Cotton Wood Canyon, cell phone quality)

Well friends, in less than 2 months I will be hiking the Grand Canyon from the North rim to the South rim with my husband and my father in-law, who do this hike every fall. The hike is roughly 25 miles. Did I mention that they do this in one stretch? What I mean is that all 25 miles will be hiked in one day...and the last 5-6 miles are the steepest incline. I am SO excited, but also so nervous that thinking about it sometimes makes me want to barf.

I've been going to the gym trying to prep for the cardio/endurance and lifting some weights. Matt and I have also done a bit of hiking this summer...but not nearly enough. Our weekends fill up with obligatory things, and then on those rare free Saturdays it's hard finding someone who can babysit for hours and hours. But I know if I don't kick things into high gear I'm going to be hating life come October. So my plan right now is to increase my work outs to 5 nights a week for the next 8 weeks (minus the 3 days I will be a girls camp). I'll continue running and walking at an incline as well as lifting weights, and I think I will start alternating running one night and biking the next. We're going to try and get at least two more hikes in before the big one, and hopefully that will be enough prep to get me out of the canyon without a helicopter!

I know some of you may be wondering why I would do such a thing. I know my mom thinks I'm crazy, and sometimes I have to wonder what I've gotten myself into, but there are a lot of reasons that I want to do this. Because it is a challenge, because it will be a great accomplishment, because it will be something I will never forget, etc. But I think the main reason I want to do this is because it will be hard. Throughout my life I think I have shied away from things that seem to be too hard because I just lack the self confidence to try. For whatever reason, I've gotten in the habit of taking the easy way out. That doesn't mean that I haven't done hard things in my life, because I certainly have. But more often than not fear keeps me from trying new things and stretching myself.

When I was making the decision as to whether or not I would attempt the hike this fall, I really thought about Aubrey. My little Aubrey who has been having physical therapy since she was five months old. My little Aubrey, who is just learning to walk at 2 and a half years old. It has not been a easy road for that little girl. It has been very hard for her. We ask so much of her, and we expect so much from her. And despite her low muscle tone, she learned to sit unassisted when she was 1, she learned to crawl when she was 17 months old, she learned how to bare weight on her legs, cruise along furniture, balance, and eventually walk. She did it, and she is still doing it, and it has NEVER been easy for her. She inspires me to do hard things. She teaches me to keep trying, and she has taught me not to be afraid. I am doing this because of her.

Mom

Dear Mom,

I hate Mother's Day. I know you understand, because we've talked about it before. But despite my distaste for the holiday, I am really quite fond of you...as a matter of fact I may just be your number one fan! So I hope this letter will help your day feel special.

I know that it is common for us moms to feel unappreciated. we stay home, we cook and clean, run errands, cultivate little minds, facilitate spiritual growth, and do all this on top of sustaining relationships, fulfilling callings, and keeping our sanity. So much of what mother's do goes unnoticed.

So today I think I would like to say thank you for some things. Because there is nothing like becoming a mother, to help you understand your own mother.

Thank you for...

-showing me how to make a meal plan
-not giving up on me during those bratty teenage years
-showing me what it looks like to be a loving wife
-always keeping our house clean and organized
-rescuing me during my darkest and scariest times as a new mother with a special child
-showing me how to make meatloaf (Matt is thankful for that one too...)
-buying me the prom dress of my dreams even though it was too expensive and immodest:)
-having such a special relationship with my baby
-respecting me as a women and mother, while still loving me like I'm your baby.
-always fulfilling your callings and church responsibilities 100%
-going to the temple
-talking to me on the phone...almost daily
-being my best friend.

Most people are upset or unnerved to find that they are more and more like their mothers the older they get. Not me. I hope to be more like you all of the time.

I love you lots.

My Awesome Dad

A few days ago I was going through some things in my closet, and I came across this little "note" that my dad had written to me when I was in high school. He was basically trying to tell me to stop being such a pig and clean my room already, but being the master of verbal diatribe that he is, he wrote it in a poem.

When you were just a young girl
on the southern Michigan Plains,
you should have kept your room clean
and cleaned your window panes.

The bathroom you left atrocious
your bedroom was quite the mess,
and though you are somewhat precocious
your performance has been somewhat less.

Dirty socks and undies on the floor
and sweatshirts and hats under the bed
pants and sweaters over the door
fill my head and heart with dread.

So pick up this messy collection
and do it before it's too late,
if you work real hard and be diligent,
like your father you too can be great!

Love you Dad!