I have had so many thoughts and feelings come to me as I have contemplated all that I want to work on for the new year. I sat down and wrote some specific goals in my journal that I want to work towards over the next year, and I have already started working on them. It feels good. What I want to share here, are the philosophies behind my goals. The insight that gave birth to my specific resolutions, if you will.
Surrender and Live
One of the things I've become aware of lately, is how little living I did in 2010. Of course I did the usual things...mothering Aubrey, keeping my home together, loving my husband, fulfilling my church responsibilities. And of course those things count as living. But not entirely. You see, I was so focused on getting pregnant, that I didn't make any plans. I never took any risks, tried new things, or worked towards anything. Other than pregnancy. My sight was so set on that one thing, that everything else fell by the wayside. And when that didn't work out, I ended my year wondering what on Earth I had accomplished. But not anymore. I have made peace with my miscarriage. I have surrendered to the knowledge that I cannot control some things. And I am moving on. This year, I will never say no to something "because what if I'm pregnant?" I will make plans, and do new things, and enjoy my life. Of course, I will still hope for the gift of another child. But I will not anticipate it. I will not wait for it. And my happiness will not depend upon it.
Be Kind To My Body
You could say that I let myself go a little this year. But after some thorny introspection, I have learned a few things. The first, is that I stopped caring about myself. As month after month passed without the joy of a pregnancy, I began to hate myself a little more, and a little more. I punished my body for "failing" me. I dealt with my anger, frustration, fear, sadness, and uncertainty by treating myself to food. Where I used to exercise after a stressful day with Aubrey, I began escaping into television shows or movies instead. I gained weight, but I didn't care. My clothes started getting tight, but I didn't care. I got lazy, but I didn't care. I was consumed. I didn't have it in me to care. But with the gentle promptings of my Heavenly Father, I have remembered that my body is a gift. Something to be cherished a loved. So, I will be kind to my body. I will treat it well, and take care of it, and make it what it should be. I will do it because of love.
All Is Well
For Christmas Matt got me this beautiful necklace. I adore it. The words "All Is Well" have become my new motto. Because really, all is well. If I died tomorrow, I would be perfectly satisfied with the life I have had to this point. If nothing ever changed for the rest of my life, and everything remained as it is now, I would still consider myself blessed beyond measure. Because I am married to a man who is my best friend, and my lover. I have the most precious daughter I could ever hope for. I have knowledge of things spiritually, and temporally. Is life hard? Absolutely. Are there trials? Always. But the hardships, and challenges are not all that this life is made of. That is only a part of it. In the bigger picture, there is so much more. I will remember, that in this life I have right now, all is well.
Here is to making 2011, a truly spectacular year.
8 comments:
Great post! I feel the same way, this last year has been one of the weirdest, most difficult, and I feel like I did the same thing, letting it pass me by. I'm excited for a new year and a new beginning, it's gonna be great! We both have many many things to be thankful for! Let's play soon!!
love this post! probably b/c i feel the same way. thanks for your beautiful reminder to live life. you are amazing!
Beautifully put. So many reminders for me as well. Thanks for sharing your insights and goals.
Love this. You have such a way with words. Indeed you do have a beautiful daughter. The friendliest little girl I have ever met. So loving. Her waving is precious. It was so fun to see you guys, thanks for letting us stop by.
I absolutely love this. I know that life will become more enjoyable for you. I went through the same thing this summer when I realized how much my life sucked because all I could think about was getting pregnant. My quality of life went way, way up when I made the decision to not let that be the focal point of my life. I am rooting for you!
nice thoughts
So often I, like you, find myself just surviving the day to day instead of really living. It's sad when I think about it. Thanks for your reminder about living, along with all the other great reminders in this post :)
Hey friend, thanks for the shout out!! Love your blog.
crystal b
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