A Different Road

I think it's time to interrupt this long blog hiatus to write a post I've been stewing and thinking on for quite a long time.

I think that there are a few different reasons why I've had a hard time sticking with blogging.  Some of it has to do with using different social media platforms to share bits of my life.  Some of it has to do with being distracted by other things.  But I think one of the biggest reasons that I don't really blog anymore is because this blog has always been a place where I come and share my life in a very open and honest way.  Writing honestly was always the most rewarding aspect of blogging for me.  I knew that this was a place where I could come and tell my truth.

But the truth is that there have been some big changes in my life and our life as a family that I just haven't felt safe sharing here.  I have been scared, not because they are bad changes...they are good changes for me/us...but because I know MANY of my friends and some family will see it as bad.  However, lately I've been feeling this bone deep desire to live my life as authentically as I can.  And for me that means not allowing the fear of what others will think about me and my decisions to dictate the choices I make, or how I live my life.  It means not hiding, or pretending that I am something that I'm not.

So, the big thing I am referring to is...that we have left the LDS church (or Mormon church for my few non-LDS readers).  When I say "left", I don't mean that we have removed our names from the records of the church, or that we have been excommunicated.  I simply mean that we are no longer believing members, and we no longer attend.  I have not attended for well over a year.  It has been almost a year for Matt.

I'm not going to get into all of the details or specific reasons why we left the church.  But, because Mormons tend to make a lot of assumptions about those who leave the church (I know...because I used to do it too!) I will clarify a few things.  We did not leave the church because we were offended by someone.  We did not leave the church because we didn't have enough faith/didn't read scriptures/didn't pray/didn't try hard enough.  We did not leave the church because we just wanted to "sin".

The most honest and simple thing I can say is that we left because we don't believe it anymore.  Over time and because of some experiences we've gone through, we really began to question certain doctrine and church policies.  So we studied and we prayed, and we kept going.  And we studied more, and prayed more, and kept going.  And then we came to a point where belief in much of what is taught was gone entirely.  But we kept going, holding out hope that we could find a middle way.

But the middle way isn't easy to come by.  Especially here is Utah.  The time when we were really trying to find a middle way...to make it work and stick it out despite our change in beliefs, was a really difficult time.  It was just painful.  But Matt and I have both been members for our entire lives.  Our parents are.  Many of our siblings are.  And when it's all you've ever known, you fight for it.  And we did.

But the fight stopped being worth it for us.  And after I heard a General Conference talk that was given in 2013...a talk that made me weep (not tears from feeling the spirit, but of feeling my heart be broken) I decided it was time to stop trying to make this square peg fit into a round hole.  Especially when it was making me so profoundly unhappy.

So it has been a while now.  It hasn't always been easy.  We have lost some friends.  It has been tricky for our families.  There have been a lot of times where we have either felt like outcasts or "projects".  If we lived in Michigan or some other place when we made this decision, it likely wouldn't be as big of a deal.  But not being an active/believing Mormon in Utah...well.

But for anyone out there who is worried about us, here is some good news.  We are doing really well! We're happy.  We're spending more time together as a family.  I feel really lucky that Matt and I have been together on this journey.  I'm so thankful for him and his ability to not just tolerate my questioning...but to encourage it.  All along the way we have given each other all the time and space needed to figure out where we stand and what we want from life spiritually and otherwise.  Going through this together really encouraged communication and openness, and brought us closer together in many ways.  And, it has been a really beautiful experience to learn new things about myself...especially my spiritual self.

I also want to go on record and say a few important things.  First, we are not anti-Mormon.  We love our Mormon families and friends.  We are thankful for our Mormon upbringing, we acknowledge the good parts of Mormonism, and we know that so much of it has shaped who we are today.  Second, we made a choice that was right for us, and our family...and just because we have made this choice doesn't mean that we think other people who choose differently are somehow wrong.  We believe in following your happiness wherever it takes you.

It feels good to write this.  I hope it will feel good to publish it, too.

Lots of Love,

Megan

Bits of Happiness

I've been thinking a lot lately about happiness.  More specifically, about whether or not happiness is a choice... and if so, to what extent.  I'm still not completely sure what the answer is, or if there is an answer to this question.  I think the closest I've come to answering this is to say there are choices we can make that will allow for more space and opportunity for happiness in our lives.  But whether or not we can just say "I'm going to be happy" and have it be so?  I don't think that's real.

But I thought I would take a second to write a few little things that have made me feel happy lately, because I think it's important to take time to acknowledge the good things.  I believe that giving a voice to happiness, big or small, allows it to grow.

-I was out yesterday running some errands and I decided to stop at Bath and Body Works, because I have been out of bubble bath for a few months now.  One of my life philosophies is that a bath can make just about anything better.  But a bath without bubbles is not a bath worth taking...in my opinion.  So I stopped, got a little carried away, and came home with a bunch of yummy smelling bubble bath and body spray.  Even a little aroma therapy.  Yum.  It should last me for a long while. (P.S. The Eucalyptus Tea aroma therapy is to die for.  And apparently it is meant for stress relief.  Just a little tip for you.)

-While I was gone, Matt took the kids over to his parents house so Grandma could cut Charlie's hair.  They were still gone when I got home, so I had a nice chunk of time alone in the house...which NEVER happens.  It was lovely.  And bonus...Matt came home with fresh chocolate chip cookies his mom had just baked.  Score!

-We took the kids up to Silver Lake this afternoon to enjoy the very fall-like weather we've been having lately.  I was really nervous about it, because the last time we took the kids to the mountains, Aubrey had been very stressed out, emotional and difficult.  I just didn't want to have a repeat experience.  But we had a wonderful time!  Both of the kids were very happy to be there.  Aubrey walked happily around the entire lake.  She wandered off the trail with us to explore.  She climbed over fallen trees and rocks.  She waved and smiled at every person we passed on the trail.  And we ended the evening without a single meltdown.  It was like a miracle.  I was so happy that I couldn't stop hugging her and telling her how proud I was of her.  Add to that the fact that we needed to wear hoodies, and I call that the perfect evening.

-Yesterday I was upstairs straightening my hair for a while.  Matt and the kids were downstairs eating a snack.  When I came down the stairs and Charlie saw me, he gasped and said "Mommy!  You so pretty!"  I think I'll keep him.

-Matt and I have been having conversations about what to do with the townhome we still own in South Jordan.  One of the things we've been thinking of is waiting to sell it until we can make a nice chunk of money, and then turning that money over and buying a cabin/cottage/vacation rental property in the mountains somewhere.  The idea being that if we're going to own two properties...we might as well own one that we can get some use/enjoyment out of.  Who knows if anything will materialize out of this dream...and even if it does it won't be for a good long while.  But it is a fun dream to have, and one that makes me happy.

-I have a board on Pinterest titled "Happiness".  I post anything from pictures to quotes to art...anything that makes me feel happy.  Here is a sampling.

I want to end this post by asking you, my readers, about your thoughts on happiness.  What do you think?  Is happiness a choice?  And if so, to what extent?  And if you are the type of person that think happiness is 100% a choice...what does that look like for you?  I genuinely want to know!  So if you have thoughts on the subject, comment below or on the FB link for this post.

xoxoxo

About Hope

A few weeks ago I had a dream where Aubrey spoke to me.  The details of what she said are now fuzzy, but I remember how it happened.  We were in the kitchen, and she was gesturing and babbling...making all of her weird expressive sounds just like she usually does.  And then the babbling gradually started to morph and shape into actual words.  And then the words formed into sentences.  In my dream, I stopped what I was doing and watched and listened.  And then I said "It happened!"

Then I woke up.  Tears stung my eyes, and I couldn't breathe.

Over the years many people have told me that they have had dreams where Aubrey talked to them.  Family members, friends, even random people that don't really know her that well have had dreams where she spoke.  It always kind of bothered me, because I never had dreams like that.  People would tell me about their dreams and then I would be left feeling envious of their communication with her, even though it wasn't real.  And I wondered why all these other people had these dreams and not me.

Sometimes I daydream about it.  Like when I'm sitting next to her on the couch or laying with her at bedtime.  Sometimes I'll just imagine that she will start talking to me about school, or whether or not a friend could come over to play.  And I imagine this whole back and forth conversation.  I don't know why I do this to myself.

Just today, I was in the car with the kids.  We were on the way home from the park, and I was talking to them about what we should have for lunch.  I asked Aubrey if she wanted a grilled cheese sandwich or chicken nuggets.  She can only respond with gestures for yes or no, so I asked separately."Do you want grilled cheese?"  She points out the window.  "Do you want chicken nuggets and apples?"  She points out the window.  I asked her again and again and all she does is point out the window. Finally I get frustrated and say, "How am I supposed to know what you want if you won't tell me?"  Then Charlie piped up and said "But Sissy can't talk, Mommy!"

Having that dream slayed me.  After I woke up and caught my breath, I laid there and wondered when it would stop hurting.  Will it ever stop hurting?

We no longer have hope that Aubrey will someday develop speech.  We know it won't happen.  We don't expect it, we don't pray for it, and we're trying to make peace with it.  The hope that lives on is a hope that one day Aubrey will learn enough to let technology do the talking for her.  The hope that there will be a time in her life where communication is easier.

And most of all, the hope that someday it won't hurt.  That one day she will be old enough, and we will be wise enough to only know her for who she is and all that she possesses.  Period.  That we will be able to let go of the pain of lost experiences and missed conversations...and just let it be what it is without the pain.

Plan of Action

Once upon a time, Summer used to be my all time favorite season.  I love the fourth of July, I have a summer birthday, and a summer anniversary.  Swimming, hiking, campfires in the mountains...so many of my favorite activities are summer activities.

But the thing is, that summers started to get really hard.  Once Aubrey started preschool and Kindergarten, having her at school became a much needed respite time for me.  She thrives so well in the structured setting of school.  And once she started school all day....well,  I started to feel like a person again.  And over the last couple of years summer has become a bit of a nightmare.

Because.  Because of so many things.  Because it is incredibly hard to take Aubs anywhere.  It literally takes a team just to go out and about with her.  Because she doesn't have friends to play with.  Because she doesn't know how to play with Charlie, or even entertain herself.  Because her short attention span means that she ends up following me around all day crying and being naughty.  Because she can be a destructive little (big) girl.  Because sometimes I feel like I literally might die if I have to change another diaper.  Because, because, because.  Because of too many things that no one could ever really understand unless they had their own Aubrey.

And here is the truth.  It's so very hard.

 I love Aubrey.  I love her with all of my heart.  I am, because she is.  You know?  But it takes a village to raise Aubs.  And during the summer, that village shrinks by a whole lot.

So this year when the snow melted, and the days started getting longer and warmer...panic started to set in.  This quiet dread began to bubble in my belly.  I tried to push away the thoughts, the memories of isolation and exhaustion.  But it's always in the back of my mind like a bad word that really wants to be said.  Summer.

Yesterday as I was driving home from my mom's house, with sleeping kids in the back seat, I had an hour of quiet to really think about all of this.  I decided that I am not powerless.  I am capable of making it better than it has been before.  So as I drove, I made a mental plan.  A list of goals that I hope will make the summer months better.

- I need to make sure I am taking care of myself.  Sometimes I feel like a shell of the person I once was.  Like I don't exist.  But I need to be at my best, so I can give the very best parts of myself to my children and my husband.  So I am going to start seeing a therapist.  I've been thinking that it would help for a long time now...but I think I'm finally ready.

-I am going to start going to bed early.  Because even though my kids have started waking up at 6:30 in the morning...I still have a nasty habit of crawling into bed at midnight.  Makes for a rough day...

-I'm going to ask for help.  It's a hard thing for me to do.  But I really need to get over that.  Maybe it means we'll drive to my moms house once a week.  Maybe I'll hire one of my teenage nieces to spend a couple hours a week with Aubrey.  We don't have to do this alone.

-I am going to increase my exercise from 3 times a week to daily.  It's vital for my metal and physical health.

-I refuse to be isolated.  That's all there is to it.  We are going to go out.  Even if Aubrey is going to cause a scene.  Even if I have to change her diapers in the back of my car because there is no where else to do it.  Even if it's hard.  Sometimes hard out of the house is better than hard in the house.  Sometimes :-)

Hopefully doing these things will help me to still feel human, and help us all have a better summer.  I'll be sure to let you all (all three of you?) know how it goes.  For now, spring break hasn't been so bad...and in a few days Matt and I are off to Mexico!

Adios

Because I haven't written in forever...

I keep wanting to sit down and write, but then I feel this irrational need to catch up completely on all the things I didn't blog about, but should have.  Which is a really daunting task.  So I'm just saying forget it.  If I try to catch up I'll never blog again.

 So.

We recently took up the challenge of trying to find a diagnosis for Aubrey.  Again.  Which was a mistake.  We keep saying we're going to let it go.  And we do for a while.  Then something new starts, like new behaviors or new compulsions, and we think...hey!  This could be something!  And we ring up her doctor and her doctor refers us to a specialist that we haven't seen yet.  This time it was a Neuro-Psychologist.

Then we get all excited at the prospect of learning something new.  Something that can enlighten us a little more about our mysterious girl, or shed some light on what to expect for her future.

And inevitably, the specialist is unable to tell us anything we didn't already know...which is to say, not a whole lot.

The neuro-psychologist did tell us a few things.  1) Aubrey will never talk (which we already pretty much knew...but ouch!).  2) 90% of children who have severe developmental issues will never know the reason why.  And Aubrey is one of the 90%.

I sat on the couch this evening after the kids went to bed, and thought about it all for a while.  And I don't really know why it matters so much to me.  But it does.  I want to know why!  Even though it's not going to change her life or course of treatment, and it probably won't change ours that much either...I still just want to know.

Even after almost 7 years, it's inconceivable to me that Aubrey can't speak.  That she will go her whole life having never uttered the word Mommy.  That she isn't potty trained, still struggles to feed herself, can't dress herself, that her 2 year old brother is light years ahead of her developmentally.  And we don't know WHY.

And I know.  You don't have to tell me.  There is all kinds of unexplained suffering in this world.  So many terrible things happen to people, and there is never a reason why.  But that doesn't make me feel better.  And it doesn't make me feel better to say the reason for her challenges is so she can teach us.  So we can learn from her.  blah blah blah.  It's not cutting it anymore.

What it really boils down to, is that Aubrey and Charlie are my whole world.  It's my job.  And the job of being Aubrey's caretaker isn't ever going to end.  Its always going to be me and Matt, but mostly me.  And I just want to be able to make some sense of it all.  I don't think I'll ever stop wanting to know why.

But, here we go again.  On another nice long break from searching.

Naptime Writing

Charlie is napping and normally this is my time to read a book, or catch up on my favorite shows while I eat lunch.  Today I am just thinking thinking thinking.  So I thought I would write a stream of consciousness post.

-Last night I went to a parents night at Aubrey's school.  LeeAnn Taylor, the author of the book The Fragile Face of God was the guest speaker. LeeAnn has five children, and three of them have the genetic disease Fragile X syndrome and autism.  The flier hung on my refrigerator for days and I kept saying, "I'm not going to that."  And then the day before I decided I should go.  If nothing else it would get me out of bedtime duties.  There was only a small group of us, but it was perfect.  LeeAnn shared her stories with us.  We laughed, and wept, and nodded our heads in understanding.  We hugged each other.  No one else really knows.  No one else really understands, except other mothers and fathers who are raising children like yours.  It is so validating and important to make connections with these people.  Every time I walk into Aubrey's school, I feel at home.  Those people know me without having to really know me.  It feels safe.

-Charlie is exploding with knowledge.  He repeats everything I say.  A sponge, is what he is.  Oh, but he and I are in a tough patch right now.  He has reverted to his horrible sleeping habits, screaming for hours at bedtime, needing me to sit by his crib and rub his back while he falls asleep...and then slowly crawl out when I think he's out.  Then he wakes up in the night and the process starts all over.  It goes on and on.  Nap time is a little easier.  But he just wants to be with me, near me, touching me at all times.  All day long he follows me around the house saying "Catch you!  Catch you!"  I know I should just give in, because this time of him wanting to always be with me isn't permanent...but it is exhausting.  By the time he (finally) goes to bed at night, I feel like I can't handle one more second of human contact.  Which is a real treat for my husband!

-Aubrey is sweet.  Is there a better word to describe her?  I can't think of one.  Lately I've been thinking about her spirit.  I've been thinking about how her body and mind are not in perfect working order, but that her spirit is.  Her spirit is whole, I know it, and it is serving a purpose.

-I'm going through some transitions in my life.  Things that maybe should be scary or stressful.  But I am feeling really peaceful and calm and blessed.  Please, God...don't take that as an opportunity to turn my life upside down.  *Knock on wood*

-Matt and I took a road trip to Idaho for an Avett Brothers concert.  It was so much fun.  Matt and I are really very different.  So I love to spend time with him doing things that we both really love.  No matter what, Matt is really good company.  I think we're really lucky to have each other.

Charlie just woke up.  Time to get back to reality.

I Should Be In Bed

What is it about being up late at night, all alone in the quiet house?  I just love it.  I swear I can never get to bed at a decent hour.  And every morning as I'm dragging myself out of bed, I kick myself for staying up late, and swear that tonight I'll go to bed nice and early.

I have too much on my mind tonight.  I load the dishwasher, wipe the counters, and pause for long periods of time...staring at a wall.  Thinking, thinking, thinking.

Thinking about when we'll be able to afford to redo the kitchen.  Thinking about all the anxiety and anger I've been feeling.  Thinking about possibly seeing a therapist.  Thinking about Stella, and whether we should get a new dog, and when.

The lights are low, the dishwasher hums, and I get out the broom to sweep.

And I think about my upcoming trip, and how excited I am, and everything I need to do in preparation.  I think about the friends I don't see or talk to anymore, but miss terribly.  I think about how I would like more friends in my life.

Then I pause from sweeping because Aubrey wakes up and wants a drink.  Then I put her back in bed, and come downstairs to finish.

I sweep and I think about Aubrey.  And I cry.  And I think and I feel so much about that little girl.

I wipe down the stove, I throw away some old things in the refrigerator, and take out the trash.

I come inside, lean up against a counter, and stare.  I think about God.  I think about all the questions and doubts that plague me.  I think about my mom.  I think about my 30th birthday that is coming up.  I think I will pull out the mop, but decide to wait until after the kids have had breakfast in the morning.

I write a love note for Matt to see when he eats breakfast in the morning.

I look around the kitchen and think about how much a person can get done when they have too much on their mind.

I Hope

Have you ever stopped to consider what a gift it is to be able to speak?  To communicate your thoughts, feelings, frustrations, joy, or pain?  Stop and think about the things your kids say.  What they want to eat, wear, do.  What they dreamed about at night.  Questions, questions, questions.  What they did at school, who their friends are, who hurt their feelings, what things they love or hate.  How they feel, physically.

Sometimes I forget.  I forget how much Aubrey sacrifices in her inability to speak.  Usually it takes something like her being sick to remind me.  Those are the times I wish the most that she could tell me how she feels, what helps and doesn't help.  What I can do to help her feel better.  We do a lot of non-verbal communication, but it only goes so far.

This usually results with me giving her a dose of Tylenol just in case she hurts.  Letting her take an extra long bubble bath at bedtime, because there is nothing a bubble bath can't cure.  Sitting outside her bedroom and listening to her cough, wondering if I should go in and give her a drink of water or just let her sleep.  I check her teeth everyday to see if any of them are loose.  I have her wear slippers in case her feet are cold.  I slather her with lotion in case her skin feels dry and itchy.  I try to cover my bases, I try to think of everything, I guess a lot and hope that I'm not missing something.

Sometimes I think about how challenging life is for Aubrey, how much she misses out on, and I wonder how she ever smiles or laughs.  But she does.  A lot!  She is teaching me an awful lot.

I struggle with faith.  After almost 6 years of life with a special needs child, it's hard not to.  But I hope.  I hope that someday when this life is over she will sit down and tell me everything.  I hope she will tell me every time that she was happy, or sad.  Her favorite memories.  I hope she will tell me about the times when I messed up, when she was mad at me, or when we got things right. 

And most of all...I hope she will tell me that we did enough.

Choices

One of biggest challenges that Aubrey deals with is an incredibly short attention span.  It makes everything difficult for her, for us, and for her teachers.  At every IEP (individul education plan meeting with teachers and therapists) it is the topic most discussed.  Her inability to atttend to anything for any length of time effects every aspect of her life...from meal time, to potty training, to class time, and church.  She cannot sit still.  She cannot focus.  She cannot follow directions.  And it seems to be getting worse.

I can't even really begin to describe how hard this is for us as her parents.  It has gotten to the point where we pretty much don't even take her to sacrament meeting anymore, because she cannot sit down, stop whining, and trying to escape.  So we don't go as a family most of the time.  Matt and I take turns going with Charlie while the other stays at home with Aubs until it is time for her to come Primary.

We have always been reluctant about trying medication.  Always.  We always thought (hoped, prayed) that there would be a better way.  But sometimes...you reach the end of your rope, and desperation sets in.  And unfortunately, that is where we are. 

So, for the past few months we have been talking with Aubrey's pediatrician, and researching options for ADD medication in hopes that we could find something that would help...even just a little.

A few weeks ago, we started her on a medication.  We were nervous.  Scared of side effects.  Worried that it wouldn't help.  Afraid of losing any part of Aubrey's sparkle.

On the first day we watched her like a hawk.  And it helped.  I noticed small differences throughout the day.  She sat easier for her meals.  I wasn't repeating myself over and over and over again when I gave her directions.  The differences were subtle...but they were there.

And then?  Then she didn't sleep at all for 28 hours.  We put her to bed that night...and she never went to sleep.  Finally, the next day the medicine left her system entirely and she just crashed.  It was horrible.  So we called the doctor and she suggested we try cutting the dose in half so see if we could still get the bennefits of the medication, but still allowing her to sleep.  Well, it didn't work.  She was able to sleep, but there were no improvements in her attention.

And so, these are the choices we make.  Medicate to help her focus at home and school?  Or don't medicate, but allow her to have an appetite and sleep at night?  For us, we choose quality of life.  Aubrey already has so many battles to fight.  So much is asked of her already.  She lives a life of constant frustration.  There are so many things she cannot enjoy, and experiences she will never have.  The least we can do is let her eat and sleep.  Right?

Experiences like this can be so discouraging.  It is almost as though every time we try something new, we hold out hope that this could be the miracle that we've been waiting for.  The pill that will improve her attention span.  The therapy that will help her start talking, the specialist that will help her potty train.  Sometimes I wonder, at what point do we stop being hopeful?

I am so weary.  I feel old and tired.  Every morning when I wake up, I feel like I am preparing for a battle that will never end.  And sometimes the only thing that gets me out of bed, and keeps me going, and keeps me hoping, is the desperate love I have for my daughter.  It is what I wake with, it is what I sleep with, it is what holds me together on days when I think I might break into a million little pieces.  And it is behind every choice I make.

Good Days

I sat down to write...hoping that something interesting would come to mind.  But all I really want to say is that today was a good day.

Aubrey has been awfully affectionate lately, which is nice.  She has been giving me a lot of hugs and kisses.  Sloppy kisses, because she has been sick and therefore drooly and snotty.  But I don't mind.  She comes up and kisses me on the cheek, and then giggles like crazy.  Like she did the funniest thing.  Other times she tackles me to the floor, wraps her legs around me, and gives me the biggest, sqeeziest (that's a real word...) hug.   We could do this all day.

Charlie is so much fun.  Sometimes I cannot believe how much fun we have.  He is so busy, and curious, and funny.  He empties cupboards and drawers, splashes in the dog's water dish, blows kisses to Aubrey's bus driver, and climbs everything.  He is my favorite little shopping buddy.  My favorite times are when we go out and run errands together while sister is at school.  He is so happy wherever we go.  And he has started pointing at things.  More like...lifting his arm, palm up, in the direction of something and going "eh?"  It kills me dead.  There cannot be anything cuter than a baby learning.

Christmas is in full force around these parts.  We picked out our tree on Monday, and decorated Tuesday night.  Our house smells so good.  While Matt and I were hanging the last of the ornaments, I asked him if he thought we should ever have a fancy tree with posh decorations.  He said "Those kind of Christmas trees are nice and everything, but I like our tree because it tells a story".  And that is the man I married.  A hard hat wearing, football watching, construction dude who gets sentimental about Christmas ornaments.  Jackpot!

There have been a lot of little things that have made me smile today.  Teaching Aubrey how to play hide and seek (FYI she always has to be the seeker).  Getting the Christmas cards addressed.  Cutting out paper snowflakes to hang on the back door while we listen to the Pandora Christmas channel.  Running out of deodorant, then using a swipe of Matt's, and smiling every time I get a whiff of myself because I smell like him:-)

It was a good day.

Miss Understood

I'm all out of sorts.  Do you ever have days (weeks, months) like that?  Ugh.

Lately I've felt so misunderstood.  Everywhere I go I feel like I don't fit in.  Like the way I think and feel is so different than the way everyone else thinks and feels. 

Socially, I feel like I've lost my groove.  Once upon a time, I used to be the life of the party.  And these days I just feel like sitting in a corner and watching.  Why is it so hard to make new friends?

Not that it really matters.  Most days I would rather sit at home and watch Downton Abbey than go be around people.  Typing that was sad.

At church if I make a comment in Sunday school, it feels like it's going against the grain.  And then when I'm done I sit and wonder...did anyone understand what I was trying to say?

I'm just trying to be myself.  My honest to goodness, truest self.  It feels hard sometimes.

Matt likes me the way I am, is what he says.  He likes that I am a little sassy, a little contrary, a little liberal, and different.  Bless him.

A few weeks ago I sent him a text with this picture...

 Me:  What do we you think of this yellow coat?
Matt:  It's bold, but it's sassy

So naturally, I bought it.

Name Them One By One

I imagine that I will experience this feeling many times over the coming years.  And maybe someday it won't impact me as much as it does now.  But right now?  It feels kind of incredible.

You see...Charlie is starting to get around.  He is in the early stages of crawling.  It just happened.  Today!  Pushing up on those hands, and toes.  Sometimes up on his knees.  And scooting himself.  Sometimes backwards, and sometimes forward.  Always toward something he wants to reach and put into his mouth.  I think it's called army crawling.

I know, I know.  It's what babies do.  Big deal, right?  Well, yeah.  It's huge.  It's a miracle.  And I tell you what, when I watched Charlie push up on his hands and knees and scoot himself across a blanket to reach a toy today, tears sprung to my eyes.  And I thanked God for allowing me to witness something so special.

Because we've never experienced something like this before.  Something so effortless and natural.  Gross motor development that didn't require months/years of physical therapy, prayers, tears, and fears.  It just...happened.

I remember when we were in the throws of Aubrey's physical therapy.  She wasn't walking yet.  Things were very hard.  One Sunday when we were at dinner with Matt's family, Matt and I stood together in the back yard and watched Aubrey's cousin (who is three months younger than her) hold on to the sides of a slide and walk up it.  And we both just looked at each other and shook our heads in amazement.  Astonished at the feat he had just accomplished.  At that moment, I knew that I would never look at another "typically developing" child again, without totally understanding the miracle of such a thing.

So today when Charlie scooted around on the floor I called Matt, and we celebrated.  Everything that Aubrey has accomplished is incredible because of everything that she has to fight against to accomplish it.  And everything that Charlie is accomplishing is incredible because the ease with which it is accomplished is truly a blessing.

Either way you look at it, these two kids are incredible.  Today we count our blessings.

So...

We moved!

And then I got shingles...

So I am going to go take an oatmeal bath.  And as soon as I am better, and my house is fully put together, I'll tell you all about it.  With pictures!  (Not of the shingles, mind you)

In the meantime, isn't this the cutest picture you've ever seen?  I know!

Someone Get Me A Doughnut

(experimenting with the idea of a redhead rocking red lips.  the jury is still out.)

I'm a mess of stress.  Let me explain.

We are moving.  We found renters for our town home (halleluja!), and bought another home about 10 minutes from here.  The new place is great!  More space, huge yard, awesome neighborhood.  We're so excited.  The only problem is that the house was a bank owned home.  And it's a bit of a fixer-upper.  Which is cool...because Matt loves projects, and it was a really good deal.

So the plan was to close at the end of May, spend all of June fixing the place up (while we still lived here), and then move in to the new house at the end of June, just in time for our renters to move in here on July 1st.  Perfect, right?  I know!

But (there's always a big but), it turns out that buying a bank owned home is complicated.  And it takes a long time.  And lender's are slow.  And here it is, June 11th...and we still haven't closed.  Because of stupid stuff.  Like, there's a broken window in the new house.  And the lender won't let us close until the window is fixed.  But the seller won't fix the window, because it's sold as is.  And the seller won't let us touch the house or do anything to it, until we close.  DO YOU SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING?!

In the meantime, here we are packing up and getting ready to move (because remember, we have renters coming in here), and we're not exactly sure where we are going!  Will we close in enough time for us to do the major work before we move into the new house?  Are we going to have to move, put everything in storage, move in with Matt's parents, then fix up the house, and then move AGAIN?!

And it turns out that June could not have been a worse month for moving.  Matt is running the Ragnar (gone for a whole weekend), and another race that will pretty much take up the whole Saturday after we have to be out of here.  And then it turns out we also have Avett Brother's tickets for a show that is taking place on what should probably be our moving day.  Which we totally can't give up...because it's the only thing I've had to look forward to all summer!

Meanwhile (deep breath)...Aubrey is out of school for the summer, and driving me absolutely insane.  She does nothing but whine and cry at me all day long, and does naughty stuff while I am trying to put Charlie down for a nap or take a shower.  There is no reasoning with her, or disciplining her.  She doesn't get it.  And if she does get it, she doesn't care.  And Charlie...despite being an absolute doll, is still a horrible napper, eater, and sleeper.  And he wants to be held ALL the live long day.  I can't put him down for a few minutes without him screaming and crying at me.  But as long as he is in my arms, he is a sweet little cupcake.  But that makes packing kind of impossible!  I love my children to death.  But right now I am feeling like I could not have more difficult, demanding kids.

So what does this all mean?  It means I am drinking a lot of Diet Dr. Pepper, and crying, and breaking out with zits, and asking for a lot of help from family.  And emotional eating.  And too much yelling, and having to say I'm sorry.

And I just can't wait for it all to be over.  I keep imagining our new house.  Opening up the back door, and sending Aubs out to play on the swing set.  Filling up a pool and spending the afternoon in our swim suits.  Laying out a blanket and having a picnic for dinner every night!  We need that.  And we need it now. 

Before I poke my eye out with a fork.

*Thanks for the vent, Blog.  Next time I promise to have something good to say

About Our Charlie Boy

Charlie will be four months old in a few days, and I just can't believe it.  Where did the last four months go?  I'll tell you where.  The last four months flew by in a fog of sleeplessness and survival.  But we're here!  We're alive!  And we have a really adorable little guy to show for it.

Charlie is still a pretty ornery little guy.  He cries a lot.  Mostly because he doesn't sleep well, and is overtired much of the time.  And also because he wants to be held ALL THE TIME.  And as much as I try to accommodate that...I can't do it all the time.  Plus, he doesn't appreciated being worn in a sling/carrier/wrap. When he is happy...he is really, really happy...and lights up the whole room with his smiles and squeals.  When he is grumpy...he is really, REALLY grumpy.

Charlie is changing a little bit everyday.  Matt and I try not to pay too much attention to the speed of his development.  But we are already blown away at how he is growing and getting stronger all the time.  We don't want to constantly compare Charlie with Aubrey, but we can't ignore the fact that Charlie is strong.  He is so so strong.  He holds his head so steady, and rolls (only a few times), loves his tummy time, and prefers sitting upright (while held) to reclining.  I can hold him in ways that I couldn't hold Aubrey until she was close to a year old.  It's amazing to watch him reach these little milestones with such ease!  No physical therapy involved!  We're so very thankful that so far, he is not exhibiting any muscle tone issues.

Speaking of Aubrey, she is completely captivated with Charlie.  Every morning when she sees him for the first time she squeals and points and makes all kinds of excited sounds.  It's like every morning she remembers that she has a brother, and it makes her happy all over again.  Such fun.  She is a good sister.  She likes to try and give him his binkie, brings me diapers, and gives a whole lot of loves.  Her very favorite thing to do is hold Charlie's hand.  She likes it when he squeezes her finger.

As for me?  Well, shoot.  I'm tired, ya'll.  Last week I experienced my very first bout of mastitis...and it was no joke.  I was SO sick.  Fevers, body aches, chills, exhaustion...not to mention a ridiculous amount of pain.  Then I got a plugged milk duct, which equals more pain and a decrease in milk supply.  And I have to tell you, by the end of that week I was shaking my fist at the heavens and cursing this female body of mine.  But thankfully I am on a round of antibiotics, and that combined with some rest has made a huge difference...and things are pretty much back to normal. 

I am still trying to figure out this new life of having two children.  Two very difficult children.  I don't get out much.  Charlie screams in the car, unless he falls asleep.  But if he does fall asleep, he always wakes up whenever we reach our destination...and then he screams.  We have been looking at a lot of houses lately, and have made a few offers that we are waiting to hear about.  The most important thing to us on our search for a new home is a big, fenced yard.  A place where we can go and get out of our house without having to leave.  A safe place for Aubrey to run around.  It is a little bit of freedom that will make a huge difference for every member of our family.  So, wish us luck!

All in all things are going alright.  It feels like a very transitory time for us.  We are right in the middle of so many changes...but nothing has fully changed yet.  Refinancing and preparing for renters...but no renters yet.  Searching for and making offers on homes...but not knowing our final destination for sure.  There are all kinds of changes on the horizon.  I'm not sure whether to be terrified or thrilled.  So I guess I'll land somewhere in the middle.

Charlie's Birth

I am writing this account of Charlie's birth solely for the purpose of keeping a personal record.  I realize it may be a boring (and LONG) read for some...but for me it was one of the most special days of my life, and I don't want to forget a single second of it.

At my final doctors appointment, our baby was still in a breech position.  Head up, feet up, and bum down...folded up like a little taco.  So it was decided that we would move ahead with a scheduled c-section.  Despite all my planning and hoping for a natural v-bac, I was really quite peaceful about the decision.  It felt right, so I spent very little time fretting over "what could have been".  I am so thankful now that I was able to go into my birth experience with feelings of contentment, when it would have been so easy to start out feeling disappointed or sad.

My c-section was scheduled for 7:30 in the morning, so we had to be at the hospital at 5:30 am.  It was so surreal driving through the dark streets with Matt, so early in the morning, knowing that in just a few short hours we would be meeting our son.  I had butterflies in my tummy during the whole car ride.

We got to the hospital, checked in, and got settled in our room.  The next 2 hours are a bit of a blur.  I know they started my I.V. and monitored the baby's heart rate and my contractions for a while.  Even though I knew I was having a c-section, I still wrote a c-section specific birth plan.  I am so glad that I did.  I was able to go through the birth plan with my nurses, the baby's nurses, the anesthesiologist, and my o.b.  They all answered my questions, and asked their own questions...so that everything in my birth plan would be clarified before the c-section took place.  It was so nice to know that we were all on the same page, and that the people helping us that day were committed to helping me have a positive birth experience.

When it was time, I walked myself to the operating room.  Matt was dressed in his white surgical attire, and he came right in to the room with me.  They sat me on the table, and had me lean over with my arms around Matt's neck (he was sitting right in front of me), while the anesthesiologist gave me the spinal.  It may sound silly, but this was a really sweet moment between Matt and I.  I buried my face in his neck and whispered that I was scared.  He held me tight, and told me that everything would be fine.  He reminded me to breathe, and told me that he loved me.  He kept telling me that Charlie would be here soon.

The spinal started working immediately, and I couldn't even get my legs up on the table myself when it was time to lay down.  When they laid me down and put up the curtain, I realized that I had forgotten my music.  So Matt asked if he could run back to the room really quick and get my phone so I could listen to music during the procedure.  While he was gone I started feeling really nauseous.  (As a side note, I threw up during my c-section with Aubrey...and it was so miserable).  I told the anesthesiologist how I was feeling, and he put some magic potion in my i.v. that made me feel better right away!  Matt came back with my phone, turned on the music, and laid it by my head so I could hear.  This was the first song that came on, then this, and then of course, some of this.

Once they began everything went really fast.  While I listened to the music, Matt rubbed my face with his hand, and kissed my cheek.  He kept asking me how I was doing.  Then the doctor told Matt to get the camera ready, because he would be out really soon.  She also told us that he had turned at some point because he was head down, but that he also had the cord wrapped around his neck twice.  She held him up over the curtain so I could get a good look at him.  He was so cute!  And I distinctly remember thinking..."Wow!  There really was a baby in there!"

They brought him over to the little warming bed, which was right next to me...so I got to see everything.  Matt went over and was taking pictures.  Charlie was crying like crazy, which was a real relief for me.  I loved hearing his powerful little cries.  But he was really blue, and they kept him over there for a little longer than I had hoped because he needed a little bit of oxygen to help him pink up.  But as per my request, they wrapped him up and let Matt bring him over to me before they weighed and measured him or gave him any eye ointment.

Matt held him up to my face, and I kissed him, and put my hands on him, and let him hear my voice.  I told him I loved him, and how we had waited so long for him to get here, and how happy I was that he was finally here.  Matt and Charlie stayed with me the entire time while they were closing me up.  Finally they took him over to weigh and measure.  9 lbs 12 oz, 20.5 inches.  Big baby, but not as big as Aubrey!

Then, they got me onto the regular hospital bed, put Charlie in my arms, and wheeled us both to the recovery room.  And he didn't leave my side again.  This was a huge difference between his birth and Aubrey's birth.  When Aubrey was born, I had to wait a good hour alone in the recovery room before she was brought to me.  With Charlie,  I was able to hold him skin to skin right away and try nursing him for the first time right when we got to the recovery room.

While this was not the birth story I always envisioned writing, it was still an absolutely beautiful experience worth remembering.  I should note that even though he had turned before he was born, I still feel very peaceful about the way he was born.  After my doctor told me that he had been head down, I never once felt betrayed or bitter.  I still felt like he was born the way that he needed to be born, and I was just infinitely grateful that he got here safely.  And I sincerely believe that these feelings are a gift from my Heavenly Father, who reminds me that all things happen for a reason.

And so, here I sit with a new baby boy, wrapped up like a little burrito and sleeping in a bassinet just a few feet away.  I have a son!  He is beautiful, and angelic.  He nurses like a champ (although it took a few days to get it right), he smells like heaven, and he looks like me.  His sister worships him, his Daddy adores him, and he makes everything in our home feel more special.

To My Son

Dear Baby Boy,

You are coming so soon, and we are so very excited!  On Monday night your Daddy took me out on a special surprise date.  One last chance to get out just the two (and a half) of us, before you come and change our world forever.  We had such a wonderful time.  He took me on a carriage ride around temple square to see the Christmas lights.  It was cold, and short, and romantic.  It made you fall fast asleep.  Then we walked around temple square for a while...but not too long, because walking while you are in my tummy is pretty uncomfortable.  I love temple square.  Did you know that is where our little family began?  It is where we became an eternal family!  I love to go there because it reminds me that you and your sister and Daddy and I get to be a family forever.  It's a pretty good deal!

Then we went to the top of the Joseph Smith Memorial building and had dinner at the roof.  That was your favorite part of the night.  You must have loved the food I ate, because you were moving and kicking like a monkey.  Your daddy and I took our time, and in between our courses we talked about you.  How excited we are for you to come, how we think your sister is going to love you, how we hope everything goes well during your delivery, and our hopes and dreams for your health and happiness.

And here is a little secret, baby.  I ate so much food that your daddy almost had to roll me to the car!  Like Violet from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory!  Except I didn't turn purple.  You will know what I'm talking about some day.

As we were driving home, I was filled with more than just food.  I was filled with love.  Love for you, and for your special sister, and most of all for your daddy.  And the thought came to me, that even though life is very hard sometimes, and we have to go through trials and other things that we just don't want to do...there is never a shortage of love.  Isn't that the greatest gift, baby?

And so, that is what I want you to know.  No matter what...just remember that there is always more than enough love to make everything ok.  Love from me and your dad, and your sister, and our crazy dog Stella.  Abundant love from your grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins.  And especially love from your Heavenly Father.

I'm not worried about you baby.  Because I know this beautiful, crazy, special family that you are joining.  And you are going to be so happy here. 

And I'm not worried about the type of man you will be someday...because I know your daddy.  And he is the best there is.

An Update and Gratitude

Matt is at the BYU football game with his brother, Aubrey is fast asleep, Stella is snoring loudly in the corner, and baby brother is kicking so hard that it hurts.  What better time than this to sit down and blog, right?

Except when I started to think about what I could possibly write about the last two weeks, the only word I could come up with was "puke".  And who wants to read a blog post about that?  Not you!  Not even me!

Well, the last time I wrote, I chronicled the nasty stomach bug that made it's way through our house.  But it turns out that it never really went away.  Everything cleared up for Matt and I, thank goodness, but Aubrey was sick on and off for 17 days.  17 DAYS, Y'ALL!  Oh man, it has been rough.  It will last for a day or two, and then she will be completely fine for 3 or 4 days, and then all of a sudden...BAM.  Back again with a vengeance.  She even went for a stretch of 6 days where she was completely fine, went to school, etc.  Then it came back.  Again.  And I cried a lot.

Because, having a child with the stomach flu is super hard.  Having a completely non-verbal child with the stomach flu...while 8 months pregnant?  WAY HARDER!  And poor, poor Aubrey.  She has been through the ringer!  She missed her last two horse back riding lessons, has lost a lot of weight, and has spent way too much time drinking pedialyte in front of the t.v.  Not to mention that she could never tell us exactly how she was feeling.  We did finally take her to the doctor, because my mother heart kept telling me that something else had to be going on.  They've run some tests, but nothing has come back yet.  She hasn't been sick for a few days though, and we have made some serious restrictions to her diet for the time being, and started her on some pro-biotics.  So hopefully, it is over.

Please.  Please let it be over.

So, my grand plans to get all my Christmas shopping done by Thanksgiving so I could spend the rest of December getting ready for the baby?  Ha!  So funny.

So to combat the totally crap-tastic month that November has been, and the equally crap-tastic mood I've been in, I thought I should make a gratitude list.  You know, since it's almost Thanksgiving and all.  Here goes.

I am Thankful for:
-Matt and his willingness to help whenever and however he can.  He is the best man I know.
-My mom who calls and checks on us everyday, and let's me bawl my guts out on numerous occasions, even though she has serious stress of her own.
-Matt's Mom and Dad, who watched Aubrey so we could go on a date last night.  Man, we needed that.
-Aubrey's sweet disposition, despite her challenges and illness.
-Stella.  She is such a good girl, and so much a part of our family that I can't remember what life was like without her.
-Baby brother.  Despite all the hard things we've been going through lately, he is a constant source of joy to me.  I feel him kick and squirm and move all day long, and I never forget what a blessing he is.  We are SO excited for his arrival!
-A warm comfortable home, and reliable cars.
-Good Health Insurance!
-My washer and dryer.  I've used them so much lately that I'm surprised the Salt Lake valley hasn't sun out of water.
-Kind and thoughtful text messages from friends and neighbors.
-The beautiful snow we got last night.  It was so magical.
-Matt's sexy beard.
-My big bath tub, and hypnobirthing tracks.  Who knows if it will be helpful while I'm in labor...but it sure does help me relax now!
-Netflix and their endless supply of Sesame Street and Super Why episodes.
-Matt's nightly foot massages.  Did I mention that I don't know a better man?

Well, I feel better already.  There really is so so much to be thankful for.  And hopefully (knock on wood, cross your fingers, and pray like crazy) the sickness will be over for good, and we can get on with enjoying the holiday season and getting ready for this baby.  Have a happy Thanksgiving!

Why I Love My Husband #2,371

 

The stomach flu made it's way to our house this week.

It started with Aubrey.  Matt went to check on her Tuesday morning before he left for work, and discovered that she had thrown up in her bed.  So he got me up, and I took all the bedding off of her bed while he got her in the shower.  Then he decided that he would stay home from work to help me with her during the day.  He was busy, but did a lot of work from home that day.  And whenever my fetal girth made a job like showering with Aubrey or making her bed difficult, he stepped right in and took over.  It was a huge help.

Well, despite my mad efforts at sanitizing and my constant demands to "wash your hands!", I woke up at 3:00am on Friday morning with what I can only describe as a violent case of the pukes.  I'm talking full body heaving, at 31 weeks pregnant.  Which should totally be against the rules of the universe.  What commenced was the absolute worst stomach flu I have ever experienced in my entire life.  And I'm not exaggerating.

So, yet again my husband called in to work, and stayed home to take care of me and Aubrey (who was all better at that point, but still needed parental supervision...which I was totally incapable of giving).  He went to the store and bought me Sprite, Coke, Gatorade, popsicles, and jello.  He rubbed my feet and legs with coconut oil.  He ran me a bath.  He gave me a blessing.  When I became to weak to walk to the bathroom each time I was sick, he brought me a "barf bucket", and then cleaned it out for me every time I needed him to.  He urged me to drink, drink, drink.  When it became abundantly clear that I was not going to keep anything down, he went and picked up an anti-nausea prescription that my doctor called in for me.  When I begged him to "put me out of my misery" and "just put a bullet in my head", he said "why don't we just wait for another 15 hours before we consider that too seriously...ok, Honey?"  Now, that's true love!

And all the while, he took Aubrey to her horse back riding lesson, fed her 3 meals and several snacks, dressed her, did her hair (sort of ;), did all of her potty visits, AND took a bunch of calls for work, and did some work from home on his laptop.

The anti-nausea medication started working last night, and I am feeling much better today...just quite weak, sore, and tired.  Matt had to leave and do some work for his Dad today, so he dropped Aubrey off at his parents house so I could have more time to rest and recover.  And during this quiet time that I've had to myself, I have really been able to reflect on the last 24 hours...and despite the HORRIBLE experience it was, I can only feel so grateful to have such a good man in my life.  I am so thankful for his willingness to help, his kindness, and his gentleness.

And even though I hope and pray that he doesn't get it next...if he does, I will gladly return the favor.

31 Weeks

**I realize that these pregnancy updates may be boring for some people to read, but I am going to do it anyway.  People keep asking me how this pregnancy compares to the one I had with Aubrey, and I honestly can't remember that much about my pregnancy with Aubs.  That was almost 5 years ago, I wasn't blogging back then, I was terrible at keeping a journal, and I have a bad memory.  So this is my attempt at record keeping, just in case it's another 5 years before I can have another baby.

Well, it seems that my hopes for having a smaller baby this time around are not likely to be realized.  I knew I was getting pretty big, but I had quite a shock when at my 29 week appointment I measured 34 centimeters.  What the what?  How is that even possible?  Just three weeks before that, I had measured 27 centimeters.  So in a matter of 3 weeks, I went from 27 cm to 34cm.  Holy growth spurt, Batman!  Needless to say, my doctor was just as shocked as I was.  Especially because I passed my glucose test with flying colors, and have not gained a ton of weight.  So she decided to schedule an ultrasound to measure the baby and my fluid levels.

So the next week (30 weeks along) I had the ultrasound.  The ultrasound was quite fun actually.  Matt and Aubrey came along and we all got to see baby brother.  He was very active, and cute as a button.  It's always so fun to see them when they're further along, and actually look like a baby.  We got a few good looks at his face, and confirmed again that he is indeed a boy.  The ultrasound showed him measuring about 33 weeks and 2 days.  Their estimate for his weight was 4lbs 10oz.  Which is kind of really a lot for only being 30 weeks.  They said that their measurements can be off by as much as a pound in either direction.  And as much as I would like to think that they were off by a pound smaller...I know what this baby feels like inside of me.  And it feels ginormous.  Really, really ginormous.

So what does this all mean for my hopes of a natural VBAC?  Well, I don't really know yet.  My desire to have a vbac has not changed at all.  My fear/insecurity about whether or not I will be able to do it has.  So I think for now I am still going to plan on and prepare myself for the natural childbirth experience that I am looking for (as a matter of fact, I just typed up my birth plan today) and just hope and pray that I can go into labor a few weeks early (everyone send out positive vibes for December 20th!).  Because I really don't want to try to push out a 10-11 lb baby.  We will see how it goes.  But ultimately, I just want this boy to get here as safely as possible.  And no matter how he gets to us, if he can get here healthy and whole...then I will be so thrilled.

How am I feeling?  Pretty darn uncomfortable.  I am just starting to get to the part of pregnancy where I am not enjoying myself very much.  Just yesterday I said to Matt "I'm really starting to get sick of being pregnant".  At least I made it to 31 weeks before saying that!  My biggest complaint at this point is back pain.  The heartburn has gotten better, I haven't been having leg cramps, and I can still get my shoes on.  But hauling this big baby around all day is really doing a number on my back.  It hurts when I stand, it hurts when I sit, and it hurts when I lay down.  The only times it doesn't really hurt are when I get on my hands and knees, or sit in a warm bath.

In other pregnancy news, I am beginning to feel super anxious about being ready for the baby.  I am constantly making to-do lists, and lists of things we need to buy.  We need to paint the nursery!  And get a new rocking chair!  And a breast pump!  And a new diaper bag!  Do we have enough clothes?  But the crappy thing is that I am also trying to get all of my Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving.  Christmas shopping and preparing for a baby at the same time?  Not so fun for my stress level.  Or the bank account.  But Matt keeps assuring me that it will all get done in time, and that we won't go broke in the process.  Thanks goodness for that calm headed man.

So, time keeps marching on.  I am still amazed at how fast this pregnancy has seemed to move along.  Here is to hoping that the next 9 weeks (or 7 weeks, wink wink!) go just as fast!