A Different Road

I think it's time to interrupt this long blog hiatus to write a post I've been stewing and thinking on for quite a long time.

I think that there are a few different reasons why I've had a hard time sticking with blogging.  Some of it has to do with using different social media platforms to share bits of my life.  Some of it has to do with being distracted by other things.  But I think one of the biggest reasons that I don't really blog anymore is because this blog has always been a place where I come and share my life in a very open and honest way.  Writing honestly was always the most rewarding aspect of blogging for me.  I knew that this was a place where I could come and tell my truth.

But the truth is that there have been some big changes in my life and our life as a family that I just haven't felt safe sharing here.  I have been scared, not because they are bad changes...they are good changes for me/us...but because I know MANY of my friends and some family will see it as bad.  However, lately I've been feeling this bone deep desire to live my life as authentically as I can.  And for me that means not allowing the fear of what others will think about me and my decisions to dictate the choices I make, or how I live my life.  It means not hiding, or pretending that I am something that I'm not.

So, the big thing I am referring to is...that we have left the LDS church (or Mormon church for my few non-LDS readers).  When I say "left", I don't mean that we have removed our names from the records of the church, or that we have been excommunicated.  I simply mean that we are no longer believing members, and we no longer attend.  I have not attended for well over a year.  It has been almost a year for Matt.

I'm not going to get into all of the details or specific reasons why we left the church.  But, because Mormons tend to make a lot of assumptions about those who leave the church (I know...because I used to do it too!) I will clarify a few things.  We did not leave the church because we were offended by someone.  We did not leave the church because we didn't have enough faith/didn't read scriptures/didn't pray/didn't try hard enough.  We did not leave the church because we just wanted to "sin".

The most honest and simple thing I can say is that we left because we don't believe it anymore.  Over time and because of some experiences we've gone through, we really began to question certain doctrine and church policies.  So we studied and we prayed, and we kept going.  And we studied more, and prayed more, and kept going.  And then we came to a point where belief in much of what is taught was gone entirely.  But we kept going, holding out hope that we could find a middle way.

But the middle way isn't easy to come by.  Especially here is Utah.  The time when we were really trying to find a middle way...to make it work and stick it out despite our change in beliefs, was a really difficult time.  It was just painful.  But Matt and I have both been members for our entire lives.  Our parents are.  Many of our siblings are.  And when it's all you've ever known, you fight for it.  And we did.

But the fight stopped being worth it for us.  And after I heard a General Conference talk that was given in 2013...a talk that made me weep (not tears from feeling the spirit, but of feeling my heart be broken) I decided it was time to stop trying to make this square peg fit into a round hole.  Especially when it was making me so profoundly unhappy.

So it has been a while now.  It hasn't always been easy.  We have lost some friends.  It has been tricky for our families.  There have been a lot of times where we have either felt like outcasts or "projects".  If we lived in Michigan or some other place when we made this decision, it likely wouldn't be as big of a deal.  But not being an active/believing Mormon in Utah...well.

But for anyone out there who is worried about us, here is some good news.  We are doing really well! We're happy.  We're spending more time together as a family.  I feel really lucky that Matt and I have been together on this journey.  I'm so thankful for him and his ability to not just tolerate my questioning...but to encourage it.  All along the way we have given each other all the time and space needed to figure out where we stand and what we want from life spiritually and otherwise.  Going through this together really encouraged communication and openness, and brought us closer together in many ways.  And, it has been a really beautiful experience to learn new things about myself...especially my spiritual self.

I also want to go on record and say a few important things.  First, we are not anti-Mormon.  We love our Mormon families and friends.  We are thankful for our Mormon upbringing, we acknowledge the good parts of Mormonism, and we know that so much of it has shaped who we are today.  Second, we made a choice that was right for us, and our family...and just because we have made this choice doesn't mean that we think other people who choose differently are somehow wrong.  We believe in following your happiness wherever it takes you.

It feels good to write this.  I hope it will feel good to publish it, too.

Lots of Love,

Megan