About Hope

A few weeks ago I had a dream where Aubrey spoke to me.  The details of what she said are now fuzzy, but I remember how it happened.  We were in the kitchen, and she was gesturing and babbling...making all of her weird expressive sounds just like she usually does.  And then the babbling gradually started to morph and shape into actual words.  And then the words formed into sentences.  In my dream, I stopped what I was doing and watched and listened.  And then I said "It happened!"

Then I woke up.  Tears stung my eyes, and I couldn't breathe.

Over the years many people have told me that they have had dreams where Aubrey talked to them.  Family members, friends, even random people that don't really know her that well have had dreams where she spoke.  It always kind of bothered me, because I never had dreams like that.  People would tell me about their dreams and then I would be left feeling envious of their communication with her, even though it wasn't real.  And I wondered why all these other people had these dreams and not me.

Sometimes I daydream about it.  Like when I'm sitting next to her on the couch or laying with her at bedtime.  Sometimes I'll just imagine that she will start talking to me about school, or whether or not a friend could come over to play.  And I imagine this whole back and forth conversation.  I don't know why I do this to myself.

Just today, I was in the car with the kids.  We were on the way home from the park, and I was talking to them about what we should have for lunch.  I asked Aubrey if she wanted a grilled cheese sandwich or chicken nuggets.  She can only respond with gestures for yes or no, so I asked separately."Do you want grilled cheese?"  She points out the window.  "Do you want chicken nuggets and apples?"  She points out the window.  I asked her again and again and all she does is point out the window. Finally I get frustrated and say, "How am I supposed to know what you want if you won't tell me?"  Then Charlie piped up and said "But Sissy can't talk, Mommy!"

Having that dream slayed me.  After I woke up and caught my breath, I laid there and wondered when it would stop hurting.  Will it ever stop hurting?

We no longer have hope that Aubrey will someday develop speech.  We know it won't happen.  We don't expect it, we don't pray for it, and we're trying to make peace with it.  The hope that lives on is a hope that one day Aubrey will learn enough to let technology do the talking for her.  The hope that there will be a time in her life where communication is easier.

And most of all, the hope that someday it won't hurt.  That one day she will be old enough, and we will be wise enough to only know her for who she is and all that she possesses.  Period.  That we will be able to let go of the pain of lost experiences and missed conversations...and just let it be what it is without the pain.