Once upon a time, Summer used to be my all time favorite season. I love the fourth of July, I have a summer birthday, and a summer anniversary. Swimming, hiking, campfires in the mountains...so many of my favorite activities are summer activities.
But the thing is, that summers started to get really hard. Once Aubrey started preschool and Kindergarten, having her at school became a much needed respite time for me. She thrives so well in the structured setting of school. And once she started school all day....well, I started to feel like a person again. And over the last couple of years summer has become a bit of a nightmare.
Because. Because of so many things. Because it is incredibly hard to take Aubs anywhere. It literally takes a team just to go out and about with her. Because she doesn't have friends to play with. Because she doesn't know how to play with Charlie, or even entertain herself. Because her short attention span means that she ends up following me around all day crying and being naughty. Because she can be a destructive little (big) girl. Because sometimes I feel like I literally might die if I have to change another diaper. Because, because, because. Because of too many things that no one could ever really understand unless they had their own Aubrey.
And here is the truth. It's so very hard.
I love Aubrey. I love her with all of my heart. I am, because she is. You know? But it takes a village to raise Aubs. And during the summer, that village shrinks by a whole lot.
So this year when the snow melted, and the days started getting longer and warmer...panic started to set in. This quiet dread began to bubble in my belly. I tried to push away the thoughts, the memories of isolation and exhaustion. But it's always in the back of my mind like a bad word that really wants to be said. Summer.
Yesterday as I was driving home from my mom's house, with sleeping kids in the back seat, I had an hour of quiet to really think about all of this. I decided that I am not powerless. I am capable of making it better than it has been before. So as I drove, I made a mental plan. A list of goals that I hope will make the summer months better.
- I need to make sure I am taking care of myself. Sometimes I feel like a shell of the person I once was. Like I don't exist. But I need to be at my best, so I can give the very best parts of myself to my children and my husband. So I am going to start seeing a therapist. I've been thinking that it would help for a long time now...but I think I'm finally ready.
-I am going to start going to bed early. Because even though my kids have started waking up at 6:30 in the morning...I still have a nasty habit of crawling into bed at midnight. Makes for a rough day...
-I'm going to ask for help. It's a hard thing for me to do. But I really need to get over that. Maybe it means we'll drive to my moms house once a week. Maybe I'll hire one of my teenage nieces to spend a couple hours a week with Aubrey. We don't have to do this alone.
-I am going to increase my exercise from 3 times a week to daily. It's vital for my metal and physical health.
-I refuse to be isolated. That's all there is to it. We are going to go out. Even if Aubrey is going to cause a scene. Even if I have to change her diapers in the back of my car because there is no where else to do it. Even if it's hard. Sometimes hard out of the house is better than hard in the house. Sometimes :-)
Hopefully doing these things will help me to still feel human, and help us all have a better summer. I'll be sure to let you all (all three of you?) know how it goes. For now, spring break hasn't been so bad...and in a few days Matt and I are off to Mexico!
Adios
5 comments:
Bring her over here again!!! It's been way too long since our last board game adventure... we're overdue!
And call us some when you need some out time (especially a date with your hubby) ^_^ We will be happy to help when we can!
Megan, your blog brought Me to tears. I am so proud of you. You are an amazing young woman and a wonderful mother. I hope wee can spend some time together when I come out this summer. I love you. Grandma
yay for simple goals!!! I wish you all the best and a fun full of summer:)
Oh Megan! I admire you so much. You just keep going onwards and upwards. I'm rooting for you all. :-)
I think you are making some incredible plans. I have noticed a huge difference in my ability to cope with everything going on in my life now that I am actually addressing my own issues (needing antidepressants, more sleep, and exercise) rather than constantly back-burnering myself in favor of my kids. And I think it is a great idea to have a few hours a week where Aubrey can spend some with someone else who loves her and you can have some alone time or some Charlie time. One thing I really hated about all of the awfulness we've gone through with Nathan's eating habits was that it meant about 95% of my energy and attention was focused on him and I really hated not having that time with my other kids. It was hard on us all!
Good for you! I feel the same way when Spencer is off-track, he is so bored which = him being super naughty. And me being a super mean Mommy. We are always up for a play date, or a picnic somewhere! Let's definitely make some plans to get together. And I'm with you on the therapist. I'm going to be seeing one as well....and seriously counting down the days until Parker is weaned and I can go back on my anxiety meds!
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