What is it about being up late at night, all alone in the quiet house? I just love it. I swear I can never get to bed at a decent hour. And every morning as I'm dragging myself out of bed, I kick myself for staying up late, and swear that tonight I'll go to bed nice and early.
I have too much on my mind tonight. I load the dishwasher, wipe the counters, and pause for long periods of time...staring at a wall. Thinking, thinking, thinking.
Thinking about when we'll be able to afford to redo the kitchen. Thinking about all the anxiety and anger I've been feeling. Thinking about possibly seeing a therapist. Thinking about Stella, and whether we should get a new dog, and when.
The lights are low, the dishwasher hums, and I get out the broom to sweep.
And I think about my upcoming trip, and how excited I am, and everything I need to do in preparation. I think about the friends I don't see or talk to anymore, but miss terribly. I think about how I would like more friends in my life.
Then I pause from sweeping because Aubrey wakes up and wants a drink. Then I put her back in bed, and come downstairs to finish.
I sweep and I think about Aubrey. And I cry. And I think and I feel so much about that little girl.
I wipe down the stove, I throw away some old things in the refrigerator, and take out the trash.
I come inside, lean up against a counter, and stare. I think about God. I think about all the questions and doubts that plague me. I think about my mom. I think about my 30th birthday that is coming up. I think I will pull out the mop, but decide to wait until after the kids have had breakfast in the morning.
I write a love note for Matt to see when he eats breakfast in the morning.
I look around the kitchen and think about how much a person can get done when they have too much on their mind.
2 comments:
I really don't have anything to say, other than this is beautiful. you really do have a wonderful way with words.
Megan, just wanted to follow up with your comment on my blog--if you're thinking about going to see a therapist, I would definitely recommend it. I feel like it's been night and day for me--the last week has been one of the best I've had in years. I feel like I'm crawling out of a black hole and the world is wonderful again, even though none of the hard things in my life have gone away--I'm just able to deal with them and take them in stride rather than sinking into despair.
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