Albert Einstein once said "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Do you think Einstein knew any mothers?
Well, I think that I must be insane. Today Aubrey had therapy...yet again. Right now we are really trying to work on her attention span. Aubrey moves from one thing to another after about 30 seconds...unless it is something she is fixated on like a cell phone, the door knobs, or some other really random but interesting (to her) object. Her short attention span really makes therapy impossible. How can she learn anything if she won't stick with it for longer than a few seconds? How will she ever go to school? Ugh...I can't even go down the path that those questions lead me.
So back to today. We've been working for about 30 minutes or so, Aubrey is throwing another tantrum. The therapist is manipulating her hands for her...forcing her to use a toy hammer and pound a block through a hole. "Come on, just three more Aubrey! You can do it!" Aubrey is fighting. Wiggling out of her arms, crying, not even trying in the slightest, and not even looking at the toy.
And I went out of my mind a little bit. I completely stopped paying attention to what was going on, and I retreated into my thoughts. It went something like this. "This is just stupid. Why am I doing this. We do the same things over and over again and nothing changes. Then we try new things and nothing changes. I have therapists in my house all the time, and it is making my life and Aubrey's life hell. And those new signs she learned? She learned them from a damn video. I can't do this anymore."
Of course I didn't say any of this to the therapist, but I think she caught on when I left the room for a few minutes.
I know that Aubrey needs these therapies, and in the long run we both benefit from it. But I am tired. Tired of these people coming into my home and making my child cry. Tired of them giving us homework all the time. I'm tired of the guilt I feel when I can't do an hour of PT, OT, and ST with my child everyday because I want to do the dishes, fold the laundry, go grocery shopping, or I don't know...play!
And it sucks knowing that we will never take a break from these therapies. Because when you're a mom you do hard things, and you don't give up. No matter how insane you feel.
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I hesitated posting this, because I realize how negative it sounds. And Aubrey is doing really well right now, and making some good progress. We are thankful for the therapists and other specialists who have been such a help to us. It's just that sometimes we wish we could ignore the reality and just let Aubrey be Aubrey.
9 comments:
I love when people post REAL things. If it means anything I think you are awesome! I totally admire you and what you go through on a daily basis. You are a rock and a fabulous example to everyone. And it doesn't hurt that Aubrey is THEE cutest thing I've ever seen! And oh, before I forget, they DO make pills for this kind of thing....it's called Lexapro! ;)- It works wonders!!
I agree, you do not have to hesitate in posting things like this. Your honesty in your posts about both the joys and trials in your life have a greater impact on your readers than you probably even realize.
Simply put, you.are.amazing.
I'm hugging you through the computer right now... that sounds dumb... but I wish I could do more to let you know you are the greatest.
Please know you aren't alone in your feelings. Its hard! Everyone admires you for knowing that and doing it anyway. Maisy and I took a week off therapy one time and it was great. We just told them all that we needed a vacation and we went to the zoo, the aquarium, hung out in our jammies, whatever. The whole family needed it. It is tough having to welcome people into your home every day for a relatively unhappy experience.
Hugs! It is hard. It is hellish. It is what it is. Sending validation and a big dose of "you're an awesome mom" your way in case you forgot how to pat your back!
I agree... I love when you share stuff like this because it helps me to realize that other people have struggles too, and I'm totally normal for having my own. I think you are pretty amazing for all you do for Aubrey. She is lucky to have you as a mom!
This is one of the most honest and touching blog posts you've ever made. I think that someday, Aubrey will be able to look back on this and see both how much you love her just the way she is, and how much want only the best for her.
That little girl lucked out when she got sent to you and Matt.
You have a gift for bringing the reality right into a situation. I think I would be feeling exactly like you. But I'm sure that I'd never be able to do all you do. Thank you for sharing. I loved your negative post! You and Aubrey and Matt are a team. It is so evident in everything you write.
I don't envy the situation you're in...but if it helps, I gain strength from you. Despite all you and Aubrey are forced to endure, you remain centered on a goal. I just wish I had an ounce of your courage and determination.
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