Walking Shadows

Today, I had had enough.  Aubrey had been screeching at me all day.  It's her new "thing".  Whenever she dislikes something, doesn't want to do something, needs help with something, or is generally irritated by anything...she screeches.  I try to set a good example by quietly responding with "Please don't yell at me, Aubrey.  Say you are sorry."  So she will sign that she is sorry.  Then five minutes later she will screech at me about something else.  Eventually she will get a time out, because I can only respond pleasantly so many times before I get mad.

So, this afternoon I decided we had to get out of the house.  The sun was shining, so we got all bundled up and took Stella for a walk.  And from Aubrey's reaction you would think she had never set foot outside in her entire life.  Girl was in heaven.

So we walked and walked.  All the while Aubs was laughing and giggling and making all sorts of noises that didn't involve screeching.  Bliss.  Then after a while I decided we should turn to make the circle back home.  I figured if we walked too long and Aubrey got tired she would want to be carried all the way home...which is pretty impossible considering that she is ridiculously tall and I had Stella on a leash (who, by the way, also acted like she had never been outside before in her life.)

But as soon as I started turning, Aubrey thew the most epic tantrum of her life.  I'm talking, throw herself on the ground, screaming bloody murder, snot running down her face, sort of tantrum.  And, did I mention that we were out at the same time the elementary school was getting out?  So all the moms who were waiting outside to pick up their kids got to witness the joy of this horrific tantrum.

So I decided we would keep walking North for a while.  She clearly wasn't done with the walk.  But each time I tried to turn it was the same thing.  I couldn't figure out what she was so upset about.  I tried asking her if she wanted to walk to the park, to the church, etc.  But she was only happy when we were walking North.  Finally, I bit the bullet and said we had to turn around and go back home.  So I started heading South.  Again with the screaming.

(I promise this is going somewhere)

On the way back home we stopped momentarily so Stella could do her "business".  While we were stopped I watched Aubrey.  She turned to face North again.  I thought she would walk away, but she didn't.  She just faced North.  And then she lifted up her arms and started laughing.  Then she would bend down and touch the ground right in front of her, then hop up and start laughing.  Then I got it.

She was playing with her shadow.

So, all along she had been watching our shadows as we walked north.  But whenever we turned she couldn't see the shadows anymore, and it wasn't as fun to walk anymore!  So we stayed put for a while.  I sat down on a big rock, and watched her play with her shadow some more.  She waved at it, and bounced her arms up and down.  She tried to grab it, and laughed each time she couldn't get to it.  I tried to explain what a shadow is...but she didn't care.  To her, it was the coolest thing in the world.

I had so many wishes in that moment.  I wished that she could have told me all along that what she wanted was to see her shadow.  I wished that we could have avoided all the tantrums.  I wished that we could have a conversation about it.  I wished that I didn't have to live such a huge portion of my life in constant state of guessing.

But most of all, I wished that I could just learn how to listen to Aubrey the way that she needs me too.  To listen "Aubrey Style".  By taking a few moments to stop, and look, and pay attention to the details.  To observe, and fully open my heart and my mind to what I see, rather than what I perceive.  To take all the small pieces and put them together, forming the words that she can't speak physically...but still needs me to hear.

It is such a counter-intuitive way of communicating.  And it is just so dang hard.  That's all.