We recently took up the challenge of trying to find a diagnosis for Aubrey. Again. Which was a mistake. We keep saying we're going to let it go. And we do for a while. Then something new starts, like new behaviors or new compulsions, and we think...hey! This could be something! And we ring up her doctor and her doctor refers us to a specialist that we haven't seen yet. This time it was a Neuro-Psychologist.
Then we get all excited at the prospect of learning something new. Something that can enlighten us a little more about our mysterious girl, or shed some light on what to expect for her future.
And inevitably, the specialist is unable to tell us anything we didn't already know...which is to say, not a whole lot.
The neuro-psychologist did tell us a few things. 1) Aubrey will never talk (which we already pretty much knew...but ouch!). 2) 90% of children who have severe developmental issues will never know the reason why. And Aubrey is one of the 90%.
I sat on the couch this evening after the kids went to bed, and thought about it all for a while. And I don't really know why it matters so much to me. But it does. I want to know why! Even though it's not going to change her life or course of treatment, and it probably won't change ours that much either...I still just want to know.
Even after almost 7 years, it's inconceivable to me that Aubrey can't speak. That she will go her whole life having never uttered the word Mommy. That she isn't potty trained, still struggles to feed herself, can't dress herself, that her 2 year old brother is light years ahead of her developmentally. And we don't know WHY.
And I know. You don't have to tell me. There is all kinds of unexplained suffering in this world. So many terrible things happen to people, and there is never a reason why. But that doesn't make me feel better. And it doesn't make me feel better to say the reason for her challenges is so she can teach us. So we can learn from her. blah blah blah. It's not cutting it anymore.
What it really boils down to, is that Aubrey and Charlie are my whole world. It's my job. And the job of being Aubrey's caretaker isn't ever going to end. Its always going to be me and Matt, but mostly me. And I just want to be able to make some sense of it all. I don't think I'll ever stop wanting to know why.
But, here we go again. On another nice long break from searching.
4 comments:
Hugs! I know you ache to know. I'm sorry. I know it's hard in ways you can't even express.
I'm singing it in my head now...all she wants for Christmas is her two front teeth! What a great picture.
Truthfully, I wish you could have received the answers to your well deserved questions for Christmas. {{{HUGS}}}
I'm sorry you're left without answers yet again. That must be incredibly frustrating and painful. Recently, I've been thinking about how peace is an internal thing, not the result of external factors (though they can certainly help or hurt the process!!). I hope you're able to find peace in your heart despite the lack of answers. I don't what it's like to be in your shoes but I know you're a fiercely devoted mother who will continue to advocate and care for her family. May you have the energy and strength and vision to do what you're needed to do.
It was so good to see your family at Christmas. I regret that we weren't also able to do lunch! I just like you!
Megan,
I had know idea about Aubrey. That is such a hard thing and I totally sympathize with you wanting answers. I am sure the social worker in you wants to know what to do to "fix" it. But she is so lucky to have you as her mommy. You "fix" it by giving her all the love she needs. Stay strong friend.
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