3 Years of Motherhood

June 30th 2006
It is a Friday afternoon.  I have one more home visit to do before I leave work for the day.  I am one day late, and hoping that I am pregnant.  But, certain that I'm not, I decide I will wait a few days before I take a test.  Then, as I am driving past my doctor's office, I change my mind.  I quickly call my client and say I am running late.  I pull into the parking lot, rush inside, and ask for a pregnancy test.  I pee in a cup, then sit in the waiting room for the results.  I offer a silent prayer.  "Heavenly Father, I'll understand if it doesn't happen right away...but please let me get pregnant soon."  The nurse comes out with a big smile on her face.  I am pregnant.  She helps me determine my due date, I schedule an OB appointment, and off I go to my home visit...with tears of joy and gratitude in my eyes.

January 2007 
I am gigantic, and still have over a month to go until my due date.  I am carrying a really big baby, and I also have more amniotic fluid than normal.  I experience daily braxton hicks contractions, and am getting weekly non-stress tests.  I am miserable and depressed and know that I will be pregnant forever.  I ask Matt to give me a priesthood blessing, and he does.  What I hope will be a blessing of comfort turns out to be more of a blessing of warning.  Things will not be easy, he says.  There are trials ahead, he says.  Take care of yourself so you will have the strength you need to care for your child, he says.  Then a promise.  Stay close to the spirit, pray, remain faithful, and you will be blessed.

March 2007 
Aubrey Mae is born.  10 lbs and  13 oz of perfection sent straight from heaven.  Matt and I are instantly in love with her.  My days are spent on the couch nursing, cuddling, watching reruns of The Gilmore Girls.  I have never been happier.

August 2007
Aubrey is 5 months old, and still not holding up her head.  Our pediatrician has referred us to a physical therapist.  We take her to the therapist who examines her.  The next evening, around 5:00 pm I check my cell phone and see that I have missed a call from my pediatrician's office.  He left me a voice mail.  He says that after speaking with the therapist and reviewing the evaluation he is concerned.  He says Aubrey may have a rare disease that affects her muscles.  He says it may be neurological.  He gives me his direct number and asks me to call him.  I call him and he tells me his concerns...namely hypotonia.  He refers me to a neurologist, physical therapists, and early intervention.  Matt is not home from work yet.  Aubrey is napping.  I sit down on the kitchen floor, alone, and weep.

November 2007 
Matt and I are getting ready to go out on a date, when I decide to check the mail.  I notice a letter from our insurance company.  After reviewing our medical records they have found (ridiculous) cause to terminate our coverage, and refuse to pay for the previous 3 months of Aubrey's therapy and neurological testing...leaving us with thousands of dollars of unpaid medical bills, not to mention, no earthly way to pay for all of her future treatments and testing.  I have an anxiety attack of magnificent proportions.

January 28, 2008
We take Aubrey to the children's hospital for a sedated MRI (thank you very much Medicaid).  After the MRI, she is sleeping off the sedation.  Matt leaves to find some food, and I am alone with Aubrey, watching her in the hospital crib.  I have an "out of body" experience, in which I am able to look down at the scene from above.  I see myself sitting in a hopsital room, with my baby in a metal crib...asleep because of drugs.  This is the moment that I leave the stage of denial, and move on to pain.

May 2008
At 14 months old, Aubrey has just begun sitting up on her own.  We are simultaneously thrilled with her progress, and nervous about how much therapy and time will be required to get her crawling and walking.
 

May 2009
Aubrey is working really hard on walking, but isn't quite there.  I want another baby so bad I can barely see straight, but the answer to our prayers is always the same...not yet.  So instead we get a puppy.  Stella saves the day.


August 2009 
Aubrey really starts walking for real, and a whole new world opens up before us.  The possibilities seem endless.  All feels right with the world.  We are so so happy.

December 2009 
I have an emotional breakdown at a family Christmas party.  Aubrey's cousins are busy with grandma's gift exchange and decorating gingerbread men.  All Aubrey wants to do is take cans and ziplock bags out of Grandma's drawers.  I ache so badly for her to be a part of the festivities, and care about things like cousin gifts and cookies.  The hurt is real, my emotions are raw, and we leave early because it's just too hard.  I'm embarrassed and sad and discouraged.  This is the beginning of a really dark time for me.

March 2010 
Aubrey has her first day of preschool.  I am really excited.  I am proud of my big girl, and looking forward to 2 hours of time to myself.  I drop her off, and before I'm even out of the parking lot there are tears streaming down my face.  What if she gets hurt?  What if the kids are mean to her?  What if she wanders out of the classroom when her teacher isn't looking?  But none of those things happen, and I am so proud of her.

 May 7th, 2010
It is a really hard day.  Aubrey is whining, whining, whining.  I don't know what she wants.  I am sick of the constant screeching.  I want her to leave me alone for five minutes and play peacefully by herself.  I lose my temper and yell.  I tell her she needs to try harder to tell me with words or signs.  I tell her I can't read her mind (even though sometimes I can).  I tell her that I refuse to be her personal interpreter for the rest of her life (even though that isn't true).  I lock myself in my room, while she lays outside the door screaming.

Last night 
I wake to loud thump.  Aubrey has fallen out of her bed.  I go into her room, get her back in bed, and lay down beside her.  I rub her hair, and put my nose in her neck.  I close my eyes and offer up a silent prayer.  "Heavenly Father, I'll understand if it doesn't happen right away...but please let me have another one soon."