Never Too Big

It seems like so much of my day is spent watching the clock and waiting for bedtime. Not that we don't have fun, and giggle, and play. But the days seem so long sometimes, and Aubrey gets so tired. Bedtime is a relief, for both of us. A bubble bath, stories and prayers with daddy, a bottle and lullabies, and then 13 hours of peace and quiet.

Tonight after Matt and I said goodnight I got up to leave. He asked me where I was going, and I said "I'm going to go hold our baby." Then he said "Someday she's going to be too big to hold." To which I replied "Never".

I proceeded with my nightly ritual of going into Aubrey's room. I looked at her for a moment, then gently picked her up and rocked her while she slept. I felt her breath on my face, and I touched my cheek to hers. I kissed her nose, and cheek, and lips. I stared at her. I thought about what Matt said. Someday she will be to big to hold like this.

Because of Aubrey's condition, we focus so much on trying to help her be independent. We measure her progress by the level at which she needs us. We make goals that will help her need us less. I complain of my aching back, my tired arms, and my inability to do things like run in to the Library without having to get out my stroller.

But what a blessing to hold my baby a little longer. To feel her arms around my neck, and her head on my shoulder. To know that she finds peace, and surrender, and comfort in the arms of those she depends on so much.

Aubrey, if you ever read this, please know that no matter how independent you may become, or how little you may need us...you will never be to big for us to hold. Never.