Tonight while we were driving home from a particularly challenging evening spent with Matt's family (not challenging because of them, but because of Aubrey) I just happened to be bawling my eyes out. I mean really...I thought my eyes might actually fall out. It was the ugly cry. You know the one.
Anyway. There I was, crying away. Not even caring what the passing cars might be thinking. And Aubrey (who had previously been screaming) took one look at me and burst into giggles! Then her giggles turned into full on belly laughing. And what else could I do besides start laughing myself? And so for about 10 minutes we all laughed and cried together.
It was then that I realized how crazy this motherhood stuff really is. Never in my life have I felt so many oppositional feelings at one time. Only as a mother have I felt the urge to throw in the towel and walk away, while simultaneously wanting to hold on tight and never let go. Only as a mother have I felt like the most lucky and blessed woman on earth, while also feeling like the trials won't stop piling up. I could go on...but I think you catch my drift.
Today in Relief Society we talked about gifts of the spirit. I don't really know a lot about gifts of the spirit, but it got me thinking about the gifts of mothers. The job of being a mother is not an easy one. I think of my own mother, and Matt's mother, and all the trials they went through while raising their children. I look at other women I know and I see how they pass through trials with faith and patience. And I see my nieces and nephews...and the other little ones in my ward. I see how they are turning out well despite our doubts and flaws.
And I see Aubrey. I see how she can bring a smile to my face and laughter to my lips just when I thought the tears wouldn't stop. And I know. I know that The Lord gives us mothers special gifts. To some the gift of unconditional love. To others the gift of patience. To some the gift of endurance, and to others the gift of energy.
And even as I'm writing this post, at 10:24 pm, and Bree has just woken up for the 4th time in 2 hours...I and hoping that Heavenly Father will help me realize my gifts as a mother.