Yesterday I received an amazing email from my dear cousin Sally, in response to my last blog post. Sally and I have such a sweet relationship that I have treasured all my life. We don't live near each other anymore, but she continues to be a woman that I look to as an example. Sally is a young mother of 4 beautiful children, so she has plenty of experience with the post-partum world. In her email she shared some real bits of treasured knowledge/advice that she has learned over the years. It meant so much to me, that I asked her for permission to share what she wrote on my blog (because I can't be the ONLY woman who could benefit from such lovely thoughts) and she said yes. She also gave me permission to correct her typos, because she herself was nursing HER baby as she typed. But I decided to leave the email as it is, because doesn't that seem more poetic? And also, I was too lazy :)
Thank you again, Sally. I know I will come back to these words over and over again over the coming weeks/months. Love you forever!
HI Megan. I just read your blog post. I was going to comment but realized what I have to say is much too long for a comment :). This is something I've thought a lot about (with each kid and every time one of my friends has a kid). There are some things I've learned through experience and through the experience of others. I've also listened to a lot of other people give some great advice. Here's my best attempt to share some of my thoughts with you. I don't know if it'll help, but it's worth a shot, right? You are such a beautiful mother (inside and out) and I am grateful to have you in my life even if we're far apart. You're a powerful example to me. Your sweet children are blessed to have you!
Ok, here goes:
1. You will survive.
Your body will heal and return to normal (if there is such a thing), you will quit hurting, your parts will eventually return to normal size, you will feel better. Right now you are TOTALLY and completely whacked out by chemicals, and you can feel free to blame ANYTHING on that fact. There might be times when you look around your neighborhood and think, "wow, look at Betty. She has THREE kids and she's still alive, walking around, breathing in and out all day long!" You'll get there. Our bodies were made to do this and it's miraculous!
2. The baby will survive.
He will have to wait a little more than Aubrey had to, have to cry a little more (and he won't die from crying......even though he WILL sound like it...) and as long as you don't leave him alone for too long, he will survive and grow up to be big enough to rip the head off Aubrey's doll and throw it down the stairs. You just keep him alive, and he will be okay....he will survive being sat on, poked, loved to death, carried by the head, etc.
3. Don't think about the future.
Don't even think about anything past maybe tomorrow. One potential deathtrap during this time is sitting there paralyzing yourself with thoughts about the future...how will i do this on my own? how will we ever sleep again? how will we get to church? how will we get out of the house? when did i get this fat?? how will we ever have more kids?" and more and more....not good. Take it one day at a time. One kid at a time. Go for one moment at a time.....this nursing session, this 10 minutes of one on one time with Aubrey, this shower, this meal, this nap, this time to let Charlie sleep on your chest....make the best or hope for the best this moment, just get through it, just survive it. It WILL get better, easier, smoother, but later.
4. Aubrey will survive.
She is young and resilient enough to deal with the changes and as you've already witnessed, she is all the better for it! And if you ever get annoyed with her, that's totally normal! All the times I've brought a new baby home I always think the big kids seem so big and loud and dirty and generally annoying-such a contrast to my quiet, perfect, sweet newborn. If you ever feel this way, YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM (remember, blame the hormones)! Seriously, emotions are all over the place right now! Sooner than later you'll develop a new rhythm to your day and you'll barely be able to remember not having Charlie around.
5. Put the parenting books away until he's at least 6-8 weeks old. Don't let it stress you out at this stage. Don't stress about "motionless" sleep....All my kids LIVED and slept most naps in the swing or the bouncy seat or the car....just WHEREVER they would sleep i would take it and let them do it and then we'd work our way into sleeping all the time in their bed and they are fine.....no kid after the 1st will ever get the same sleep quality and quantity, and that's ok. They survive.
6. Get help, take help, ask for help.
Take advantage of your mom and mother-in law being near, this is a GIFT!! Take help if it's really helpful....Let people bring in meals, let people take Aubrey, hire someone to come in and clean just for two months (one can wish, right?), talk to a therapist, talk to other women, talk to me, talk to anyone so you don't feel alone....we've been there! And then decline and say NO to what is not helpful.
7. Take the word "SHOULD" out of your vocabulary.
Don't feel like you SHOULD do anything. Just survive and get through and do what you can and want to do right now to keep you and baby alive and thriving. Anyone or anything that makes you feel like you should do more or do things a certain way or makes you feel even the slightest amount of guilt for ANYTHING should be eliminated for the time being. (including ME....i just used the SH word... feel free to throw this whole thing out! Take advice and help if you want it, but YOU are HIS mother, no one else, and no one knows his needs better than you.
8. Identity crisis
I've had an identity crisis after every baby (except maybe the first). Never about real serious things. I always know I'm a daughter of God but the day to day identity of a woman changes so much! I'm a wife, a mother, now a mother of two, now four... What's mine? What's for my family? What's the line between taking care of myself and being selfish? Every part of me is pulled in so many directions and I'm needed by so many people. This will all level out and eventually you'll feel grounded...and then something else will change and you'll go through this again. This is the lot a woman I think and though it's maddening at times I think it's what allows us to feel things so deeply and intensely. It's ok if you don't know who you are right now. You'll get there.
9. SWEAT PANTS ARE ALWAYS OK!!!!!!!
Hope this helps a little. I love you!
Sally
Ok, here goes:
1. You will survive.
Your body will heal and return to normal (if there is such a thing), you will quit hurting, your parts will eventually return to normal size, you will feel better. Right now you are TOTALLY and completely whacked out by chemicals, and you can feel free to blame ANYTHING on that fact. There might be times when you look around your neighborhood and think, "wow, look at Betty. She has THREE kids and she's still alive, walking around, breathing in and out all day long!" You'll get there. Our bodies were made to do this and it's miraculous!
2. The baby will survive.
He will have to wait a little more than Aubrey had to, have to cry a little more (and he won't die from crying......even though he WILL sound like it...) and as long as you don't leave him alone for too long, he will survive and grow up to be big enough to rip the head off Aubrey's doll and throw it down the stairs. You just keep him alive, and he will be okay....he will survive being sat on, poked, loved to death, carried by the head, etc.
3. Don't think about the future.
Don't even think about anything past maybe tomorrow. One potential deathtrap during this time is sitting there paralyzing yourself with thoughts about the future...how will i do this on my own? how will we ever sleep again? how will we get to church? how will we get out of the house? when did i get this fat?? how will we ever have more kids?" and more and more....not good. Take it one day at a time. One kid at a time. Go for one moment at a time.....this nursing session, this 10 minutes of one on one time with Aubrey, this shower, this meal, this nap, this time to let Charlie sleep on your chest....make the best or hope for the best this moment, just get through it, just survive it. It WILL get better, easier, smoother, but later.
4. Aubrey will survive.
She is young and resilient enough to deal with the changes and as you've already witnessed, she is all the better for it! And if you ever get annoyed with her, that's totally normal! All the times I've brought a new baby home I always think the big kids seem so big and loud and dirty and generally annoying-such a contrast to my quiet, perfect, sweet newborn. If you ever feel this way, YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM (remember, blame the hormones)! Seriously, emotions are all over the place right now! Sooner than later you'll develop a new rhythm to your day and you'll barely be able to remember not having Charlie around.
5. Put the parenting books away until he's at least 6-8 weeks old. Don't let it stress you out at this stage. Don't stress about "motionless" sleep....All my kids LIVED and slept most naps in the swing or the bouncy seat or the car....just WHEREVER they would sleep i would take it and let them do it and then we'd work our way into sleeping all the time in their bed and they are fine.....no kid after the 1st will ever get the same sleep quality and quantity, and that's ok. They survive.
6. Get help, take help, ask for help.
Take advantage of your mom and mother-in law being near, this is a GIFT!! Take help if it's really helpful....Let people bring in meals, let people take Aubrey, hire someone to come in and clean just for two months (one can wish, right?), talk to a therapist, talk to other women, talk to me, talk to anyone so you don't feel alone....we've been there! And then decline and say NO to what is not helpful.
7. Take the word "SHOULD" out of your vocabulary.
Don't feel like you SHOULD do anything. Just survive and get through and do what you can and want to do right now to keep you and baby alive and thriving. Anyone or anything that makes you feel like you should do more or do things a certain way or makes you feel even the slightest amount of guilt for ANYTHING should be eliminated for the time being. (including ME....i just used the SH word... feel free to throw this whole thing out! Take advice and help if you want it, but YOU are HIS mother, no one else, and no one knows his needs better than you.
8. Identity crisis
I've had an identity crisis after every baby (except maybe the first). Never about real serious things. I always know I'm a daughter of God but the day to day identity of a woman changes so much! I'm a wife, a mother, now a mother of two, now four... What's mine? What's for my family? What's the line between taking care of myself and being selfish? Every part of me is pulled in so many directions and I'm needed by so many people. This will all level out and eventually you'll feel grounded...and then something else will change and you'll go through this again. This is the lot a woman I think and though it's maddening at times I think it's what allows us to feel things so deeply and intensely. It's ok if you don't know who you are right now. You'll get there.
9. SWEAT PANTS ARE ALWAYS OK!!!!!!!
Hope this helps a little. I love you!
Sally
7 comments:
What good advice. If I ever have four children, I hope that I can become that wise.
I love this! Beautifully said. Thanks for sharing.
That was definitely well said! One thing I wanted to mention that you said in your last post was when the sun goes down, the water works begin. This is EXACTLY how I was. Everyone would come visit me during the day and then leave by dinner. I told my sister in law this one time and she called my mom and made her come over and she stayed until midnight. It was a huge help! So don't be afraid to ask someone to come over at night! That is the toughest time. And actually the second time around is a bigger adjustment I think, but the adjustment period did not seem to last as long. You are an amazing mom and incredibly patient!
Thanks for posting this. I kept meaning to respond to your other post but haven't gotten to it yet. But your friend put it so well. Even I needed to hear some of that! I know we are all doing the best we can as mothers and we are not perfect. I've decided there is no normal, everything is always changing and we just have to go with it and enjoy as much as we can.
Wisdom, indeed! I SO needed to hear this today. It's been a rough one! :) Thanks for sharing, Megan!
I am so glad you posted this. I have been having similar feelings as you. This is a good cousin you have. I read your birth story and it made me tear up. I am totally emo, but I think I would have teared up anyway! What a beautiful thing.
Love you Megan.
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