In The Wee Small Hours

Hello blogging world!  I'm alive!

There have been so many times over the past week where I have really wanted to sit down and write.  Write, and write, and write.  But what I want to know is...when?  Back in the day, my favorite time to write was late at night after everyone had gone to bed.  My creative juices would flow, I could think really well, and no one would disturb me.

These days I am doing REALLY good just to get a shower.  Staying up late to write?  Sacrificing precious sleep?  Yeah right!

The huge gap between Aubrey and Charlie made me forget how different life is with a newborn.  Man is it different!  The no sleeping, constant nursing, soothing, changing of diapers, crying.  Logically I knew all of these things were coming, and I was looking forward to it.  But it is a big adjustment!  And not only is life with a newborn different...but oh my, Charlie is a much different baby than Aubrey was.  Aubrey was a very calm, docile baby.  Charlie is a little firecracker.  And by that I mean, he cries.  A lot.  He is also kind of an unpredictable baby (but really, all babies are when they are this young...right?).  Some days he will nap well, and be generally happy during the day...and then become a monster at night time.  Other days he will scream like a banshee all day, and then sleep like an angel at night.  Sometimes he only wants to be held.  Other times he is only happy in his bouncy chair.  I never know what to expect.  He's already keeping me on my toes!

My favorite moments are when he is calm and bright eyed.  I love to sit with him in the rocking chair, and get tiny little smiles out of him.  He seems to save up his smiles for mornings after we've had a rough night.  Kind of like an "I'm sorry mom!  But it's gonna be ok!"  It has been challenging.  But regardless, I fall in love with him more and more everyday.  And I am amazed at how much love my heart can contain.  And even though he has only been with us for a month...it seems like he has always been a part of our family.

And so, I am slowly regaining my confidence in myself as a mother.  There have been so many times during the last month where I have uttered the words "I don't know what to do."  But this sudden lack of confidence has forced me to seek out guidance from Heavenly Father at every turn, and rely on his tender mercies and promptings from the spirit.  In the small hours of the morning when I am alone with Charlie, or during a particularly difficult day, I often find myself uttering a small prayer.  "Father, please bless that Charlie will be able to nurse well right now" or "Father, please show me how to get my baby to sleep" or "Father, if Charlie is in pain, please help me know how to fix it."  I don't always get a clear answer, but I almost always get a feeling that says "You can do this.  Everything will be alright." 

And if that isn't a tender mercy, I don't know what is.