Today I was working on sorting things with Aubrey. We have some magnet toys that she likes to play with, and there are 4 different colors. Red, blue, yellow, and green. Aubrey doesn't know her colors (as far as I can tell), so I was trying to teach her each color, and how to sort them into different containers. Put all the yellow ones here, all the red ones there, etc. She didn't get it. She just wanted to put them all in one container. So, I showed her how to do it a couple of times, and then asked her to try. She still didn't get it. She would pull apart the magnets and put them into whatever container she wanted. When she randomly put one in the right container I would cheer and clap for her, and then she would keep putting every magnet into that container, even though it wasn't the right color.
After that we changed gears and started working with shapes. We have a giant puzzle that was given to us by the early intervention program. There are only 4 wooden puzzle pieces, and they are huge. A circle, square, rectangle, and triangle. Aubrey couldn't do this either. She kept putting the circle where the square went because it fit there nicely. So I helped her put it in the right place, and then she tried to put every other piece on top of that one.
We spent about 20 minutes total working on these two tasks, and by the end Aubrey was so stressed out that she was shaking and crying. She doesn't like to do these things. They are incredibly hard for her.
And you know what? I don't like doing those things either. It is incredibly hard for me too. I don't want to do it. Most mothers of 3 year old children play pretend, and playdough, and dress up. They can make crafts, bake cookies together, and have conversations.
What we did during those twenty minutes was not play. It was work. For both of us.
So I find myself in the impossible position of having to draw a line everyday. The line between challenging my daughter and trying to help her learn, and damaging my relationship with her. How hard is too hard to push her, and when is it not enough? And most of all...how do I gauge my expectations?
What it really boils down to is the massive amount of guilt I feel at the end of every day no matter what. As the mother of a child with "special needs", all of Aubrey's growth and development is my responsibility. And when my head hits the pillow at the end of the night I always have to ask myself if I did enough? Did I challenge her, push her out of her comfort zone, praise her enough? Did she watch too much t.v., spend too much time alone, have enough stories read to her?
I frequently wonder at this motherhood experience that the Lord chose for me. What could He possibly see in my battered and imperfect soul that would lead him to entrust such a sacred and special task to me? And how can I find the strength and determination within myself to rise to the occasion with grace and patience?
How can I see in myself, what He sees?
7 comments:
Megan, I'm not a parent, and I can't understand exactly what you have to deal with, but I do know guilt. Very well. And I know this: you have nothing to feel guilty for.
Aubrey may get frustrated when you push her...name me any parent with any child, special needs or not, who hasn't had to deal with that. (You may not remember, but we sent mom to the car in tears on more than one occasion...). Yet, despite that, look at our relationship with our parents now.
As for damaging your relationship with your daughter? I don't see it happening. Aside from the fact that it's apparent to anyone who knows even the slightest bit about you that you love your daughter with incredible abandon, Aubrey has a special spirit. There are people who read this blog because of you and the spirit of that little girl...a little girl they've never even met in real life. She draws people to her.
She may get mad and frustrated at you when you push her (just ask mom about the summer where I had to do extra math homework over the summer...I still can't think about it without either breaking something or devolving into ugly sobs) but she will ALWAYS love her mama. When something's wrong, she'll still come to you. You're MOM.
You're incredible. It's an honor to watch you and Jake raise your families. I'm sure it's hard. But I'm sure you're being blessed and driven. Give yourself a little room to make mistakes. The great thing about kids is that they're pretty adaptable. And you've been blessed with a first child who will be extremely forgiving of any "mistakes" you may make. (Goodness knows I was.) (Also, humble.)
Love you!
Amen to Matt's comments. You are Aubrey's mama because you can love her and give her what she needs in a way that no one else can. That means you know just what the right balance is for you and her to continue to thrive (and survive!) together, so ease up on the guilt! Easier said than done, I know...
Matt pretty well summed things up, but I just wanted to add that you're not alone in dealing with this. All parents go through stages like this throughout their child's development. Aubrey may be spending more time in each stage than some other children you observe, which undoubtedly is frustrating for you both, but nevertheless, this is a time for us all to learn, however long it takes.
Megan, you're an inspiration to me on so many levels. I've never met Aubrey, but I pray for her because of you. You have always had the strength to do this...it's just remembering where to find it that's the trick. You are a great mother!
Megan,
Thank you for writing such an interesting and insightful post.
I think Two Dot Crew is right. You are doing the same things as other parents, it's just that Aubrey's phases are taking longer. I struggle all the time with how hard to push my kids in school. Sometimes they just don't get stuff and then it's all emotional and frustrating. That's when I know we need to take a break and come back later. If Aubrey doesn't get colors now, she probably will later. I remember when I first met her she didn't walk, but now she does, just later than you thought it would be.
I'm just guessing here, but it seems like alot of the frustration and struggle of having a special needs child is in the unknown. You don't know if her "development" is on track. You don't know what her future will be. In our old neighborhood I knew quite a few adult special needs children. It was enlightening to see what their families were like. Do you know any families like that? Have you ever had a chance to talk to a mother who is much farther down that road than you? It might be interesting to hear what they have to say about raising a special needs child.
I struggle alot with the unknown as well, but I think part of the deal with earth life is to just learn to relax and trust Heavenly Father. He has a plan and in the end it will all turn out okay, even if I didn't turn out in the way you thought or planned.
Okay, that was a super long comment, sorry. But thanks again for sharing that post. :)
Jamie and Susan, I appreciate your thoughts, and I agree that all parents have to struggle with how much to push their children, but I think the dynamic that comes with having a "special needs" child adds a whole new dimension to this common parental question. Jamie, I think you nailed it on the head when you mentioned the unknown. It is hard to know how hard to push Aubrey when there is no real way of knowing when and if she will ever be able to learn something. And the frustration of doing something over and over and over again, with no results is sometimes more than I can take.
In regards to meeting with a mother who has an adult child with special needs, no...I have never done that. First, I don't really know anyone. Second, I kind of try to avoid things like that because I never want to start comparing Aubrey with other people. There is such a great spectrum of challenges, and so many levels of disabilities. It makes me nervous to start looking at someone else's experiences and using that as a guide for Aubrey, because there is no one out there just like her. Yes, it is incredibly frustrating to have no idea what to expect for her future. But at the same time, I don't really know that comparing our situation to anyone elses is really going to be all that helpful.
I think what I need is a support group. Unfortunately there aren't really support groups for parents of children who have no diagnosis.
Megan, I'll repeat what I always say here, you are a super strong woman and mom and an inspiration. I feel so inadequate with Olivia as well... I know that she is very different than Aubrey and I don't want to compare them or me and you, but I also go to bed everyday asking myself what could I have done to help her learn more, grow more, be better... I think I fail as a mom every day. And i am pretty sure I do. But I guess that's why we have tomorrows? I hope so! Thats my prayer anyway.
hugs to you!
and would you like to take the girls to the Pool here in Provo this week? Olivia wakes up around 5.
hugssss
(((hugs))) megan. You are such an wonder and inspiring person. You seriously have one of my very favorite blogs every. I know I say that like, every single time I come to your blog, but it's still true. Sorry about the guilt about not pushing enough, pushing too much...now that I understand. I'm sure you're right, though...I'm sure being a mom of a special needs child brings those to a whole level.
As for the Avett Brothers concert, thank you SO MUCH for the heads up! I lived in OK until about a year ago when we moved up to Kansas City, which is super-convenient b/c they're actually performing up here too! yay! yay! yay!
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