The truth is that things between Aubrey and I have been difficult lately. We're struggling. You see, sometimes I feel like I have a special insight when it comes to my special girl. There are times when our spirits speak clearly to each other. During those times, I understand her. And her lack of speech really means nothing to our daily lives or our relationship. In those moments I feel like I am the perfect mother for Aubrey, and that things will always be alright. It is a content, peaceful feeling.
But those times don't last forever. I wish they did.
There are other times, like the past few weeks, where I feel completely lost. Like I am wandering around in a dark room, searching blindly for a light switch that doesn't exist. I am guessing about everything, and getting it wrong. I am confused about what my girl understands and refuses to do, versus what she just can't comprehend. The whining is grating at my nerves. To say we are having a complete communication breakdown would be an understatement. It is as if the avenue by which I once understood is completely closed off to me now.
In turn, other aspects of daily life are suffering. Aubrey's sleep schedule is a mess, with her waking up an hour earlier than usual...and refusing to go to bed until hours past her bedtime. Then she will be up a few times during the night. I think maybe we need a break from each other, but then anytime Matt gives me a night off (which he has been so good about), she will scream while I walk out the door. When he puts her to bed instead of me, she screams when I go downstairs.
We're all out of sorts.
I guess there are no clear answers when it comes to motherhood. We learn by trial and error, don't we? I just hope that despite the difficulty we have been experiencing lately, that Aubrey will always know that everyday...all I want is for her to have a happy life. And maybe soon we will get back to that place of understanding and clarity.
And in the meantime, I guess it's a good thing that Matt and I are leaving for Florida in 9 days. Good luck Grandma and Grandpa!
6 comments:
this too shall pass. Reiny went through a phase where she was getting up 2, 3, 4, even 5 times a night. I was losing my mind and felt like I'd exhausted every option I could think of. Finally I just gave up and kept putting her back to bed with a kiss each time she got up. She finally stopped and went back to sleeping through the night.
Kids are kids and despite their circumstances, all go through phases of change in their lives. Aubrey will even out again soon. She'll begin to take strides in new places and things will be happy again before you know it.
There are always bumps in the road, unanswerable questions, and times of feeling lost and confused. This too shall pass. You are an excellent mother who loves the beautiful girl Heavenly Father entrusted to you.
Good luck and breathe...one last thing, cutting out Reiny's nap during the day also helped her sleep better at night...is Aubrey still napping? Just a thought...lots of LOVE, Megan!!
Definitely trial and error.... Yes! I am having a hard time lately with Q. Today he got so mad he told me he hated me and to 'just leave'. And that daddy is the one he likes. Stuff like that. This was not the first time either. It breaks my heart to be out of sync with him too! I think I need a break too. Thank you for telling the truth, your words always help me identify with something.
It seems like Evie and I have similar weeks - where I just can't understand what is her malfunction or how to deal. I haven't found any magical formula to set all back to right, but I hope the same thing for her: that she knows I love her and want the best possible life for her. I just try to do my best, ask forgiveness when I screw up and tell her I love her 100+ times a day.
Hang in there! There's always a rainbow after rain :)
ps I adore your background!
Meg I always new you were special, and not just because your my girl-:), You are blessed to be the mom of someone so sweet because Heavenly father knew(knows)that you could do this. And I have to say that Aubrey is very lucky to have parents like you guys. It shows how much you love her-even when at odds- that you never stop worrying or loving her. Keep your chin up and the Lord will strengthen you. YOU ARE DOING AN AMAZING JOB! YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!Sometimes you just need to hear it:) Love Ya girl!
...sounds tough, and I'm sorry. But if it's any consolation, I'll quote my Mom- "There is usually a period of major frustration right before a period of major growth with a child". I need to remind myself of that these days too...those times when you feel like you have special insight and awesome understanding of her WILL come back!
Post a Comment